You cant spell “manipulation” without “man”.

Relationships are often imbalanced. Usually with one person feeling more, while the other does not. I happen to find myself in a very unbalanced relationship as of 2 weeks ago.

Lets reminisce. Remember that one time when I said to myself.. hmm, life is far too easy and comfortable. I would love to find the most absolute needy and insane man, with utmost baggage, a horrible temper, the ability to lie about anything and everything, the incapability to trust, cynical, conceded, two faced, hungry for pity, thirsty for attention, and the need to control your every moment. After we have found him, lets have him stay in my home for two months straight. Consider it a science experiment.

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Now, two months later and I look back. My friends were days away from holding an intervention to get me out, and even his own friends treat me with more respect now that its over. They watched me be manipulated for 2 months. Everything I loved and cared for was put on hold.

This was the first man I chose to date when I moved out to Florida. I brushed away all other attempts from men, and chose this one. Luckily I never went through any serious denial concerning whether he was the right guy for me or not. I knew damn well after two weeks that this constant struggle that we were calling a “relationship” was simply biding its time. He stubbornly hung onto me, and refused to let me go. Countless times I told him to leave, and countless times he refused. It was the most mentally draining relationship I had ever gotten myself into.

I definitely cant say I had a good time. He didn’t teach me anything except to stay far away from the crazies with baggage, and he didn’t give me anything except for a cactus named “Burrito”.

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Why. Why did I do that. Was it all the things he said to me? Was it all the lies and promises that seemed so surreal that they had to be true. Fortunately I learned very quickly that someone trying to control me at such an unbelievable extent, was not my type. After two weeks together, I had every bad thing that could happen, happen. My anxiety was at an all time high, and my luck was at an all time low. Everything was going wrong, and all I had was this mentally unstable man who spent all his time trying to convince me that we were a team, and we were going to get through everything together.

The very next day after we broke up, I managed to buy myself the exact car that I wanted, and only days after that I was hired at my dream job. Suddenly everything was beautiful again. I had my friends back, and I was doing the things I enjoyed again.

Unbelievable. Completely unbelievable.

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Going Home.

20131120-003958.jpg The other day I found myself silently celebrating my 6 month anniversary in Florida. 6 months of complete and total independent living, without my family or help of anykind.

I’ve been sailing a one manned ship for 6 very bumpy months, and I’ve managed to make it work every single day.
One thing I’ve learned in my life is that God likes to outdo Himself.
God has taken me places that I never thought possible. He has opened up doors that I never imagined and has brought me closer to my brother than I have ever in my life.
Staying up hours on end talking about the future, our lives, and our dreams. I truly believe that we put behind us the difficulties that we always had over the years.

Going home (North Carolina) for however long the trip might be, I always find myself feeling refreshed and relieved once I returned back to Florida. I can only handle so much of the past before it really eats at my heart. I spent 20 years racking up bad memories in a tiny 4 mile long town. Every building, every road, every person, has a memory attached to it. This last trip home was possibly the hardest, to date. I spent two long weeks in the mountains, trying my hardest to spend quality time with each and every person I loved. Well; mission accomplished.

Even though I was able to see everyone I had hoped to, I still spent most of my 9 hour drive home in tears. I had made a very difficult choice on my last day in North Carolina. A choice that I can see effecting me for years into the future. Truthfully I do not regret that decision, and I/m happy of my choice.

No lies, No facade, No fake smile. Exactly what you wanted.

Going cold.

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks.
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I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster, heading mostly in the direction of complete and total disgust and unwavering anger towards the opposite sex. My last nerve has been pinched, and I’ve officially become the super heartless bitch that I always I knew could be, but never thought would be.

Usually you hear about women being the clingy emotionally draining psychopaths.
Unfortunately it’s those exact traits that the men that find me appealing seem to have.
I’m done being nice. I’m over being sweet.
Done and done.

Waiting is Toxic.

Do you realize that you spend most of your life waiting. What could we possibly be waiting so long for.
Waiting for things to get better, get easier, get warmer, get colder?
Waiting for happiness, for love, for a sign, for a push?
I had an epiphany when I was 21 years old. I realized that I had spent the winter writing about how things would get better, yet excepting the fact that the way things were, was the way things would always be.
After far too long, I decided to finally put myself first. I decided to start living life to the very fullest I could possibly live it.
In two weeks time I had quit my job, packed up everything I owned, and moved 800 miles away in a little black Ford Focus.
I have a history of apologizing for not only my emotions and my every action – yet I cant seem to bring myself to apologize for taking off. I left every family, friend, and lover, to start new in a place I barely knew – But I had to get away.

20130819-121046.jpg Everyone needs to understand that not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly.
Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to us because their way of living forces us to compromise who we are, what we love, and our all around happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.

Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a happier life for yourself.

Those people may resent you, but one day they will understand. It takes nothing but time.

I Don’t Miss You.

I feel good all the time.
Constantly.
I think it’s because I’ve been doing a lot of drinking lately.
Day drinking, night drinking.
Am I coping for something? Am I trying to blur you out? I remember you; But only in short painful bursts – like as if you set your phasers from kill to stun.

This isn’t easy. I know I come off as this being easy for me, baby, this is so hard.
The amount of times I’ve brought you up today is absolutely pathetic.

Someday I’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you. Someday I’ll know why you didn’t fight for me.

But I hope that you find the right one.
I hope she loves you for the weird way you brush your teeth and for the way you love the smell of cinnamon brooms.
I hope she makes sure you take your medication, and cooks you breakfast on Saturday mornings.
I hope she likes Mexican food and watching shows on Netflix.
I hope she knows that your lips shake when your upset, and that you will always, no matter what, open the car door for her.
I sincerely hope.

I don’t miss you. I don’t miss anything.

Detached.

I’m really more of the suffer in silence type. I don’t bother people with my problems, and on an average day I keep to myself. I find brushing things off easy to do, and I rarely need a shoulder to cry on, however sometimes I do wish I was still in a relationship. Waiting for someone you’re not even sure will show up is draining. Waiting for the unknown is like a fist in your heart, and a constant questionable ache. My attempts at a relationship is not exactly “progress”. My immediate response to every man wiling to fight for my attention is push and run. The few who understand my cruel sarcasm is still gunned down with harsh ammunition. Men are willing to fight for what they want, but only for so long.

I have to tip my hat to them though. Men do not get the credit they deserve. Men can be very observant in certain aspects, and will study you in great detail when they want to get closer to you.
They will hum and discuss music they feel I would enjoy.
They will bring up topics of quotes about interests they are aware that I have.
Men are clever, but very sneaky.
I have found myself impressed with a few men right now.
However I am working on not getting emotionally invested in people, and it’s actually been a complete success. It doesn’t take much for me to stay emotionally detached, apparently.

Johanna de Silentio once said, “You have your whole lifetime; time takes times. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”

Where I Belong.

It’s funny how after so many years of feeling out of place and unhappy where I was, to be living somewhere where I am continuously overwhelmed with happiness, is such a refreshing feeling.
I truly feel that I belong here.
I truly feel that this is where I was meant to be.
After spending a week in North Carolina a few day ago, I realized how much I couldn’t help but dwell over everything while I was there.
I was constantly upset and distraught. I couldn’t get my mind off my exes and my old friends and everything that caused heartache and struggle in my life.
I only cried once, and if only my father could have understood that it wasn’t him that was causing the tears, but the pain that I had built up in my heart in a matter of 6 days.
It was actually painful to be there.
My heart constantly ached.

It’s good to know I made the right choice. Life here is so beautiful.

Twenty Two Years Not Dead.

Today is my twenty second Birthday.

My twenty second year corrupting this galaxy with my loud obnoxious lingo, and outrageous acts of weirdom. In these twenty two years I have found myself associated with some of the most extraordinary situations, and interesting people.
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If you know me, and listen to my story, you know that my life has been one lucky toss of the dice after another.
Constant blessings.
For most if my life I’ve considered myself to be one of the most blessed and lucky girls ever to walk this crazy weird planet. And to put it bluntly, this past two months have been the most exciting and entertaining of them all.
Everything has fallen into place so perfectly for so long, that I’ve found myself bracing for impact from some type of future oncoming Borge ship of bad news.
Am I seriously waiting for something bad to happen? That makes no sense.

Last week, one of my friends was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve spent a good portion of time with him in the past two days, and it’s really inspired me concerning the type of person I am, compared to most of our human race.
This man is 25 years old, and was told that he could die in 1, 5, 10 years- they truly don’t know. That’s usually how cancer works.

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But isn’t that how life is anyway?
Aren’t we just as unsure when our time is up when we are healthy, as we are if we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness?
Why is it that it takes a person telling us that we will be dying at some point in our life, that be begin to actually feel like we should be living our life?
Does that make any sense? No.

I can’t stand how some people approach life. As if movies and videogames will fill the void enough to pass the time, rather than going out and meeting and living and not just simply existing.
Some people disgust me. But we’ll get into that later.

The Lonely Road.

If you know me, you know that typically, love spills out of me like a joyful glass of wine, filled to the brim with blessings .

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I find myself embracing everyone I see.
Every sentence is a compliment or a celebration of life. Life has so much to be celebrated about.

Rivulets of laughter bubble out of my lips, I simply cant restrain my happy heart.
Strangers thank me for being so in love with life. For reminding them that this is a good day, and they deserve to walk away from me with a smile.

However, those days are not everyday.
It is rare since I’ve moved to Florida, but it is known to happen.
It begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.
A feeling of physical pain caused by loneliness. My hands grip my warn out stealing wheel, I can hear me consciously tell myself that it is okay to cry.
It’s always okay to cry.

I won’t tell anyone I’m lonely, I wont mention I’m sad. This is simply a phase that we go through.

I’ll keep driving and keep moving on. But these Florida roads aren’t as peaceful as they were back in North Carolina.

Be somebody instead of somebody’s.

Three months ago I became a single woman.
After 11 months I had to do one of the hardest acts, and simply walk away from a man that I once loved.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is accept the absence of happiness in a relationship. Which is what had happened to us.
We were simply existing near each other, the passion and effort had not only become nonexistent, but grudges began to take root. We became shadows in each others daily lives.
Our pride and egos caused us to deny any type of struggle. We slowly began to fade from each others hearts.

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But don’t worry baby, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, and I won’t blame anyone for what happened in the past.
Life is moving forward, and I have so much living ahead of me. Why would I blame one person for what happened in the past?
He had never hurt me.
It just wasn’t right.
We weren’t right.
And that’s perfectly okay.

Sometimes in relationships we don’t want to be found as the one that gave up, so we slowly disappear.
Only when the relationship comes to an end do we reappear again, because no one came looking for us.
(In my head this makes sense)
The choices I made, I did that for me. When you think about it, life truly begins when you allow your curiosity for the extraordinary to run wild. Which is exactly what my life is leading towards.

I refuse to search for someone to fill the void that Bucky filled. We as humans are surprisingly strong, and are capable of learning so much, not only about the world around us, but about ourselves. We are complex creatures. At times we don’t even fully understand our own emotions or actions.
In my own opinion, I feel that when you are in a serious relationship, the ability to learn about yourself becomes stunted. It is difficult find out the type of person you are when you are spending your time seeking validation from your significant other.
It is so unhealthy when we don’t give ourselves time to be somebody, instead of somebody’s.