Single. It’s so simple.

While trying to be perfect for someone else, you end up losing yourself the most.
I learned this during nine years of multiple serious relationships. Even though I’ve never been one that needed a man in my life, I always found myself jumping from one serious relationship to another. Each man offering me his heart, his life, marriage, a family, and basically everything a girl might want.
Mind you, I am 22 years old, and in those 22 years, I felt like I learned the most about myself when I was 20 and single for about 3 months. That’s as long as I lasted before I found my way back into the arms of my ex.

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Today I am nine beautiful months single. My stress dwindles away more and more each day. Since the last time I visited North Carolina, things have been getting better and better and better. Money in flowing in faster, my routine is becoming more comforting, my health is strong, my love life is pure. I can’t think of anything that could make things better.
Ever since I plucked the negative from my life, nothing but blessings have surrounded me. I’m so lucky.

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As I said last year.

I enjoyed going back and reading my post from this day last year. The coldest December I can ever remember, December 2012.

But now today, on December thirty-first 2013, things are a little different — It id the very last day I will ever spend in 2013. It’s over guys, and I’d like to officially declare this year:

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The astounding year of firsts
On firsts
On firsts
On firsts

I’m living the 20’s life! The life of constant excitement and entertainment! There is rarely a dull moment, and even those dull moments are simply considered peaceful, beautiful, and full of blessings.
My post last year was so full of heart ache and anger, yet I was proud of the changes I had made, yet it was quiet obvious that I wasn’t happy with those changes.
But hot damn look at me now!
God is a strategic God, you must never forget that, no matter how long and bumpy the ride gets.
This year I have chosen to forget the grudges and heartache that I found myself dealing with in the past. You may wonder, “How can you forget something that’s happened to you?” But one definition of the word forget is to disregard intentionally or to overlook.
In other words, you have to choose to disregard your nasty past so that it doesn’t keep you from moving forward. That means the good and the bad. Sometimes our past victories keep us from rising higher as much as past failures.
If we don’t let go of the old, we’ll never be able to embrace the new.
It doesn’t matter what’s happened in your history, it’s time to forget what lies behind.

Today is the perfect day to make the choice to live forward. Trust that God has a better future in store for you. Trust that He’s working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you forget what lies behind and press forward, you’ll move forward. You’ll see increase and blessing and live the abundant life He has in store for you!

Going Home.

20131120-003958.jpg The other day I found myself silently celebrating my 6 month anniversary in Florida. 6 months of complete and total independent living, without my family or help of anykind.

I’ve been sailing a one manned ship for 6 very bumpy months, and I’ve managed to make it work every single day.
One thing I’ve learned in my life is that God likes to outdo Himself.
God has taken me places that I never thought possible. He has opened up doors that I never imagined and has brought me closer to my brother than I have ever in my life.
Staying up hours on end talking about the future, our lives, and our dreams. I truly believe that we put behind us the difficulties that we always had over the years.

Going home (North Carolina) for however long the trip might be, I always find myself feeling refreshed and relieved once I returned back to Florida. I can only handle so much of the past before it really eats at my heart. I spent 20 years racking up bad memories in a tiny 4 mile long town. Every building, every road, every person, has a memory attached to it. This last trip home was possibly the hardest, to date. I spent two long weeks in the mountains, trying my hardest to spend quality time with each and every person I loved. Well; mission accomplished.

Even though I was able to see everyone I had hoped to, I still spent most of my 9 hour drive home in tears. I had made a very difficult choice on my last day in North Carolina. A choice that I can see effecting me for years into the future. Truthfully I do not regret that decision, and I/m happy of my choice.

No lies, No facade, No fake smile. Exactly what you wanted.

Where I Belong.

It’s funny how after so many years of feeling out of place and unhappy where I was, to be living somewhere where I am continuously overwhelmed with happiness, is such a refreshing feeling.
I truly feel that I belong here.
I truly feel that this is where I was meant to be.
After spending a week in North Carolina a few day ago, I realized how much I couldn’t help but dwell over everything while I was there.
I was constantly upset and distraught. I couldn’t get my mind off my exes and my old friends and everything that caused heartache and struggle in my life.
I only cried once, and if only my father could have understood that it wasn’t him that was causing the tears, but the pain that I had built up in my heart in a matter of 6 days.
It was actually painful to be there.
My heart constantly ached.

It’s good to know I made the right choice. Life here is so beautiful.

Chicks on Boards.

We all have things we turn too when we’re going through hard times.20130621-142431.jpg
Alcohol, friends, sex, or if you’re me, you go skateboarding. Sadly while I was going through difficulties with my ex boyfriend, I managed to snap my last board.
The first thing I was set on getting as soon as I moved to Tampa was a new board, and why not a longboard since it is Tampa I was moving to.
Yesterday I purchased my first Sector 9 longboard. And I’ve spent every free moment I have on it. Finally I feel like I’m back to the person I was before Asheville.
Finally getting back to being myself again and doing what I love.

Disguised as Rain.

In the two weeks of my preparing to leave North Carolina, the heavens had opened up and wept with me.
Perpetual tears rolled down my cheeks, that were always hidden by the rain that covered Asheville.
Cruel rain.
Unstoppable rain.
Rain that fell without remorse.
Rain had become the symbol of our breakup.

Today in Tampa, while we ran our errands and bought our groceries, the sky’s turned black, and the winds blew palm trees with full force.
We all stated the obvious.
Rain was soon to come. As soon as we pull in the driveway, plump drops of rain descend. I rush to the mailbox, bags in hand.
When women normally run for shelter, we smiled and laughed.
“The smell!” my bestfriend yelled over the beautiful sound of rain surrounding us, “Can you smell that, Annie? The smell of the rain!”
I was caught up in the moment.
That is the smell before the rain? That’s the so called petrichor, the scent of rain on dry earth?
We stood out there for a moment, “That smell,” I blurted out, “We don’t have that smell in North Carolina. That smell don’t even exist there.”
“Really? That’s funny.” She laughed as she proceeded to unlock the front door, and the air conditioned room hit our faces.
I spend the majority of the time going from window to window, watching the most beautiful rain take place.
The rain was literally easy on the eyes. It was calm and collected. It didnt feel like a punishment or a reminder of my heartache, but the perfect opportunity to play beautiful music and have long talks with my close friends.

Things are slowly changing.
Everything life is throwing at me is beautiful, sincere and breathtaking.

The Naked and New.

This morning I opened my eyes to a completely different world.
My life routine has been officially compromised and nothing will ever be the same again.
This faithful morning at 7:00am I awoke in Odessa, FL. About 20 minutes away from Tampa, my new home.
Last night I made the grueling 12 hour drive with all of my earthly possessions, toward the unknown and unsure.
I stepped 12 hours out of my comfort zone and into a world of possibilities.
My morning shower was slightly longer than usual, I washed and scrubbed and cleaning off every speck of what might have been left there from my past life. The life I was living in North Carolina. The unhappiness foamed up on my body in forms of soap bubbles, every pore was being washed clean of every unhappy night spent in a place that I never truly felt at home in.

Here I am. Facing this new world head on. I have zero worries, what could I possibly worry about with my Lord on my side. God has grabbed me tightly around the heart in a matter of a week (soon I will be able to tell that amazing story).
My new focus is on my new life that I have begun to build and form.
I am molding who I want to be for the remainder of my days.

This is it. Here I am.
Diving head first into the most beautiful pool of unknown.
What could possibly be more exciting?

What’s an Emotion.

My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?

Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?

They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.

What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.

Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.

Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.

How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.

My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.

Decisions.

526596_10151435218712155_1400496900_nOne of the hardest parts of life, is deciding whether to try harder, or walk away, and in some instances, those decisions end up being the greatest choices you’ve made for yourself in a very long time.
After months of fighting with my heart, and pushing aside the inevitable, I am finally doing what I have been planning for myself for years. Moving far, far away from North Carolina. Permanently. With no one to convince me to do otherwise, this is my life. For the first time in too long, my life is being controlled by me, and not the opinions of others.
Things will get easier.