Dear 2017 me,

The sole reason I’m writing today, is to give me the opportunity to look back and be proud of myself.

Today, September 12th 2016, I find myself unemployed (by my own choice) and searching for the job that is going to make my life a joy. I’ve been in this new city for 42 days, and in that time I have 

  1. Trained at the karate school once a week 
  2. Started a job, and quit said job withing 4 weeks
  3. Made absolutely zero friends 
  4. Gained a considerable amount of weight
  5. Read 8 chapters of a fictional book 
  6. And really done absolutely nothing that I am proud of (besides climb a few waterfalls and mountains) 

 I’m now without a job, and unhappy with where I am personally right now.

So what next. Am I going to get that job that I’ve been praying and begging for? Am I going to continue to train for my Adult black belt? Or am I going to find myself settling for a low paying job, like so many people I’ve met here.

Only time will tell. And I am giving myself the opportunity to look back and see me at another low point in my life. 
All I can do is pray, and wait for God to open a door for me. He knows exactly where I need to be in life, and the opportunity will arise.  

I just hope it’s soon…

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Single. It’s so simple.

While trying to be perfect for someone else, you end up losing yourself the most.
I learned this during nine years of multiple serious relationships. Even though I’ve never been one that needed a man in my life, I always found myself jumping from one serious relationship to another. Each man offering me his heart, his life, marriage, a family, and basically everything a girl might want.
Mind you, I am 22 years old, and in those 22 years, I felt like I learned the most about myself when I was 20 and single for about 3 months. That’s as long as I lasted before I found my way back into the arms of my ex.

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Today I am nine beautiful months single. My stress dwindles away more and more each day. Since the last time I visited North Carolina, things have been getting better and better and better. Money in flowing in faster, my routine is becoming more comforting, my health is strong, my love life is pure. I can’t think of anything that could make things better.
Ever since I plucked the negative from my life, nothing but blessings have surrounded me. I’m so lucky.

As I said last year.

I enjoyed going back and reading my post from this day last year. The coldest December I can ever remember, December 2012.

But now today, on December thirty-first 2013, things are a little different — It id the very last day I will ever spend in 2013. It’s over guys, and I’d like to officially declare this year:

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The astounding year of firsts
On firsts
On firsts
On firsts

I’m living the 20’s life! The life of constant excitement and entertainment! There is rarely a dull moment, and even those dull moments are simply considered peaceful, beautiful, and full of blessings.
My post last year was so full of heart ache and anger, yet I was proud of the changes I had made, yet it was quiet obvious that I wasn’t happy with those changes.
But hot damn look at me now!
God is a strategic God, you must never forget that, no matter how long and bumpy the ride gets.
This year I have chosen to forget the grudges and heartache that I found myself dealing with in the past. You may wonder, “How can you forget something that’s happened to you?” But one definition of the word forget is to disregard intentionally or to overlook.
In other words, you have to choose to disregard your nasty past so that it doesn’t keep you from moving forward. That means the good and the bad. Sometimes our past victories keep us from rising higher as much as past failures.
If we don’t let go of the old, we’ll never be able to embrace the new.
It doesn’t matter what’s happened in your history, it’s time to forget what lies behind.

Today is the perfect day to make the choice to live forward. Trust that God has a better future in store for you. Trust that He’s working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you forget what lies behind and press forward, you’ll move forward. You’ll see increase and blessing and live the abundant life He has in store for you!

Going Home.

20131120-003958.jpg The other day I found myself silently celebrating my 6 month anniversary in Florida. 6 months of complete and total independent living, without my family or help of anykind.

I’ve been sailing a one manned ship for 6 very bumpy months, and I’ve managed to make it work every single day.
One thing I’ve learned in my life is that God likes to outdo Himself.
God has taken me places that I never thought possible. He has opened up doors that I never imagined and has brought me closer to my brother than I have ever in my life.
Staying up hours on end talking about the future, our lives, and our dreams. I truly believe that we put behind us the difficulties that we always had over the years.

Going home (North Carolina) for however long the trip might be, I always find myself feeling refreshed and relieved once I returned back to Florida. I can only handle so much of the past before it really eats at my heart. I spent 20 years racking up bad memories in a tiny 4 mile long town. Every building, every road, every person, has a memory attached to it. This last trip home was possibly the hardest, to date. I spent two long weeks in the mountains, trying my hardest to spend quality time with each and every person I loved. Well; mission accomplished.

Even though I was able to see everyone I had hoped to, I still spent most of my 9 hour drive home in tears. I had made a very difficult choice on my last day in North Carolina. A choice that I can see effecting me for years into the future. Truthfully I do not regret that decision, and I/m happy of my choice.

No lies, No facade, No fake smile. Exactly what you wanted.

The Sanctuary.

The thing about moving to the very place that use to be your sanctuary, is that it becomes painfully common.
We all have the place where we run to, the place where we hide. What if it has now become your everyday life, and there is nothing extraordinary about it anymore.

Twice I have done this.
Moved to the place where I use to constantly run to.
Asheville was my sanctuary from Franklin.
And Tampa was my sanctuary from North Carolina.
Both places had dwindled into my mediocre timeline.

Becoming my everyday – instead of my hideaway.

Twenty Two Years Not Dead.

Today is my twenty second Birthday.

My twenty second year corrupting this galaxy with my loud obnoxious lingo, and outrageous acts of weirdom. In these twenty two years I have found myself associated with some of the most extraordinary situations, and interesting people.
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If you know me, and listen to my story, you know that my life has been one lucky toss of the dice after another.
Constant blessings.
For most if my life I’ve considered myself to be one of the most blessed and lucky girls ever to walk this crazy weird planet. And to put it bluntly, this past two months have been the most exciting and entertaining of them all.
Everything has fallen into place so perfectly for so long, that I’ve found myself bracing for impact from some type of future oncoming Borge ship of bad news.
Am I seriously waiting for something bad to happen? That makes no sense.

Last week, one of my friends was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve spent a good portion of time with him in the past two days, and it’s really inspired me concerning the type of person I am, compared to most of our human race.
This man is 25 years old, and was told that he could die in 1, 5, 10 years- they truly don’t know. That’s usually how cancer works.

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But isn’t that how life is anyway?
Aren’t we just as unsure when our time is up when we are healthy, as we are if we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness?
Why is it that it takes a person telling us that we will be dying at some point in our life, that be begin to actually feel like we should be living our life?
Does that make any sense? No.

I can’t stand how some people approach life. As if movies and videogames will fill the void enough to pass the time, rather than going out and meeting and living and not just simply existing.
Some people disgust me. But we’ll get into that later.

Self Pity is Poisonous.

Certainly the most destructive vice that a person can have, more than pride (which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins), is self pity.20130803-110629.jpg
Self pity will ruin a person.
Will ruin a relationship.
Will ruin a friendship.
Will ruin your own metal stability.
Self-pity is the gift that keeps on robbing. The Black Plague of attitudes, a poisonous leech attached to one’s heart.
It is an acid which eats holes in not only your happiness, but everyone that associates with you.
Self-pity takes away the strength needed to escape the predicaments you’re in.
I’ve never been one for expressing self pity. Truthfully one of the biggest peeves I have is watching someone flounder in their own.
Complaining about where you are in life is the first toe-dip into the wide world of self-pity.
Make some damn changes.

Right now in my life I am struggling with something I don’t fully understand.
Yet when I do come to understand it a little better, I’ll be back to dig deeper into the cause and meaning of this struggle.

But for now, I’ll continue to open up to friends I don’t know, and men I’ve never met.

Communication Me.

I fixate on my phone screen. Scrolling through the slew of notifications I had received within one hours time.
First I started with my phone calls, listen to the short voicemail.
I check Instagram, Twitter, and if I’m feeling good, maybe even Facebook.
I open my text messages, I read them all. Yet reply to non.
I close out my phone and return it to the wall charger.
I turn on music and drift away from digital social life.
And I ask myself. Are all these new forms of communication really helping us communicate?
Yesterday I spent over 4 hours on the phone with people I thoroughly enjoy talking to.
In one of the conversations I had with a sweet gentleman from Tennessee, we discussed communication today, compared to when we were younger.
We are both in our twenties, and so we got to see both sides of the spectrum.

Talking for hours on the house phone with your best friend, pacing in a corner because the cord would only give you about two yards of leeway.
Today your bestfriend is the person you posted a meme on their Facebook wall, and LOL at.
Things change.
Usually for the worse.
Do we still know how to communicate?
Do we know how to have long conversations?
Discuss everything, and nothing.
No spellcheck, or editing.
Just our lips. Just the first thing that comes to mind.

Lets open up.
Lets dig deep into our hearts.
Lets talk about it.
Lets talk.

When it isn’t right.

DSC_9687I will not let you become infatuated by me.
I will push you away as soon as you decide you want to be close.
I have come to realize that I am completely emotional unavailable. No matter how much I want to be in my head. Being available sounds like such a great idea, in theory.
No I am not ready to admit I care for you. I don’t even know how to care for someone anymore. Why do you make this so hard.
My heart is somewhere else. I don’t even truly know where that somewhere is, but it isn’t here. It isn’t with us.

This is wrong. This is so wrong.

A Quick Listen.

I’m sitting down today without much inspiration to write to. I find it difficult to be inspired when I don’t have something I feel necessary to complain about. I realize that now I am settling into a place I love, with all the happiness I could ask for, it will take a toll on my writing.
What do you write about when everything is astounding? It’s interesting how I dont like to brag about my life, yet I have no problem complaining. In writing, that is.
It has been 7 weeks since I’ve been in a relationship.
It has been 6 weeks since I kissed a man.
And it has been so long since I was seriouslyinterested in anyone romantically.
For some, this seems like nothing to make a big deal about. But mind you, this is the longest I’ve ever gone without an emotional tie to someone. I’ve learned through experience that jumping from one relationship to another is just not giving yourself time to heal.
Time to figure out what went wrong and how can you avoid it.
It’s important to have that alone time, and to focus on yourself and no one else.

I’ve come to learn this in my mistakes.