Respect to a Schwan

Yesterday was one of those hard days that I hope to never forget. I admittedly had to self-reflect, and except the present moment of life I’m in.

Yesterday I mourned over the death of a man I never met. My biological father. His name was Frank Q. C. He was 73 years old, and was an undiagnosed schizophrenic.

I would love to place a picture of him to

 show our possible resemblance, unfortunately I don’t have any to present. I have a few pictures in my belongings of him 24 years ago, that I’m sure are tucked away in an unappreciative storage unit somewhere, and In that same storage unit I have a trucker hat that belonged to him; however I don’t see them resurfacing anytime soon.

The feelings that pertain to my biological father have always been nonexistent. I’ve spent an exceptional amount of my time craving love, compassion, and acceptance from the man that I call my father, that I forget that there was another man out there who is the true reason why I am here.

He was sick, yes.

I obviously do not thank him for making me the woman I am today.

He was very sick.

He use to board up the windows in fear from hallucinations, and would disappear for weeks without any knowledge of where he was. He would throw full plates of food at the wall, and insist my sister did ridiculous chores.

However he had an incredibly difficult mental disorder. This man had no idea he had schizophrenia, and Lord only knows how long he went before he was even diagnosed (if he ever was). I admire my mother for getting herself and 3 children out of such a dangerous home. However I cannot blame my biological father for being the man he he was.

My mother called me yesterday at 2:15, while I was getting ready for work. Immediately I thought she was calling to tell me something had happened to my grandfather, who was just released from the VA hospital that day.

I didn’t pick up out of fear. I knew someone had died.

“Annie call me…”

I call her back, my heart beating out of my chest.

A lot of the stuff she said was blurred out in my mind. I just kept wishing she would get to the point. I don’t remember much from the phone call except “….. Frank passed away.”

No emotions, besides relief it wasn’t my grandfather.

The realization didn’t hit until I text my two best friends. They both immediately called me to confirm my feelings are justified and they were here for me.

I go to work and tell no one. Even though I wanted everyone to know.

My mother planned on telling my brother at dinner in person. I waited and waited to hear from him. Nothing.

at 8:00 I text him and asked how dinner was. “Did mom talk to you?” I truly needed someone to talk to about this. He is the only son Frank ever had.

“Oh lol yeah. Whateves, I didn’t know the dude haha.” 

My heart was gone. Through my feet on the floor. How am I suppose to feel right now?

I came home and casually mentioned I wanted to talk to him about it. However all I got out was, “My dad is way cooler.” and “It’s about time, he was what.. 72 years old.” and then quickly announced he was going to bed.

I cried all night long. Mourning shouldn’t be done alone. All I wanted to do was fall asleep and stop thinking about how disrespectful my brother was to the memory of the man who held our mother’s hand while we were both born. Even though he suffered from schizophrenia, that does not give anyone the right to disrespect his memory.

He has one other daughter who lives a few hours away. She is how my mother found out about his death. I plan to reach out to her, and learn as much as I can about this man.

Because without him, I would be but a figment.

And I will always show him honor for that.

 

 

 

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Dear 2017 me,

The sole reason I’m writing today, is to give me the opportunity to look back and be proud of myself.

Today, September 12th 2016, I find myself unemployed (by my own choice) and searching for the job that is going to make my life a joy. I’ve been in this new city for 42 days, and in that time I have 

  1. Trained at the karate school once a week 
  2. Started a job, and quit said job withing 4 weeks
  3. Made absolutely zero friends 
  4. Gained a considerable amount of weight
  5. Read 8 chapters of a fictional book 
  6. And really done absolutely nothing that I am proud of (besides climb a few waterfalls and mountains) 

 I’m now without a job, and unhappy with where I am personally right now.

So what next. Am I going to get that job that I’ve been praying and begging for? Am I going to continue to train for my Adult black belt? Or am I going to find myself settling for a low paying job, like so many people I’ve met here.

Only time will tell. And I am giving myself the opportunity to look back and see me at another low point in my life. 
All I can do is pray, and wait for God to open a door for me. He knows exactly where I need to be in life, and the opportunity will arise.  

I just hope it’s soon…

Flash — ahh

What do the artists, song writers, bloggers, and those people who write long status updates – all have in common;     suffering.

Okay, maybe a little too extreme.

But its true. These exceptional writers base words and lyrics on their struggles. So, what happens when those suffering, treacherous souls become — happy?

Well for me, I found myself with nothing interesting to write about. My heart didn’t ache with sadness anymore, my eyes didn’t overflow with tears of abandonment or loathing. All I do is count down until the next time I get so see my incredible husband. I spend my nights clung to his side, with constant gross mushy tones of infatuation.PB0_2717

However this has been an exciting past few months for us and our tiny little gypsy family (me, my husband, and our plants).

In the beginning of June, Brad and I promised to love and cherish each other for the rest of our lives.

Our marriage was everything I ever dreamed of (If I ever planned my wedding before getting engaged like normal women do).

In July, Brad was offered and incredible opportunity in the very city we were married, Asheville, North Carolina. In a matter of two weeks we packed up everything we owned, signed a lease, and moved to Asheville!

On the way from Florida to North Carolina I got in a minor car accident, and had my 25th Birthday. Nothing like keeping us on our toes! But our house is beautiful, and is in a beautiful part of town. I’ve been out of the job for what feels like a lifetime, however it’s given me the time to unpack and make this place a little homey.

Within only a few days I got a call for the very job I had been hoping for, and climbed two waterfalls ( this is not a metaphor, I really did).

And this is where we settle (for now). In the same town I’ve written so much about already. But now with an entirely different perspective on life and love.

So many of these roads bring back glimpses of memories, most of which I cant fully remember, or have suppressed for the past 3.5 years. But nothing makes me happier to be here.

With our family only an hour away, and a beautiful roof over our heads, we are set — at least for a while!


 

Much thanks, very full

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

My eyes opened at 9:20 Thanksgiving morning. I immediately roll over my boyfriend, full weight, body sprawled.image

Thanks to the fact that we went out the night before, to support my coworker’s birthday at an insane party/rave, that our old 24 year old bodies were not able to handle – Brad promptly awoken with a hangover.
PERFECT! I finally am the one taking care of HIS headache instead of the other way around. Pancakes are made, kayak rentals are called, and plans are brewing!

We drove to Tampa, we took pictures on the beach, we ate guacamole, and goat cheese, and ramen, and cabbage soup. Then at 5pm, Brad had to tuck his blue shirt in and make his way to Best Buy, to probably the worst shift he is ever going to have at work. I understand BlackFriday, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it. And now, at 7:30 pm, I’m watching stand up comedy and so thankful for this entire, stress free, drama less, loveful Thanksgiving.image

This Thanksgiving was different from every other Thanksgiving we ever experienced, but it was close, and full of joy, and eachother.
I couldnt be more grateful for this day we can look back on and say,
“Heh, remember when we were 24 and poor and in so much love.”

 

 

You may now kick the Bride.

DSC_1708 According to Wikipedia, bridezilla (a neologistic portmanteau of bride and Godzilla) is a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride who leaves irritated family, friends and bridal vendors in her wake. She is often called greedy, selfish and spoiled, not caring about the people that she hurts to get exactly what she wants on her perfect day.

A  year ago, I became a maid-of-honor.

Notice how I chose my words carefully, because I was not asked to be a maid-of-honor, nor was it my my bestfriend. I was told that I was going to be the maid-of-honor by a woman who has really no friends.

This experience was one of the most terrible and stressful experiences of my life.

I found myself cursing love. I found myself a doormat. I found myself sobbing in the arms of the man I hope to one day marry, and yelling that I would never have my own wedding. DSC_1679

After the heartless wedding ended, I cut myself from the bride and groom completely.

Still, three months later, I have yet to speak a word to them.

Never let the poisonous people in your life take control. Get out, get away, and never look back. Forgive them, but never look back.

 

Brad

DSC_0799I can’t picture my life without Brad. He’s ultimately become a part of me, after so many years of relationships, friendships, benefitships, awkwardships, and infatuationships, he’s my someone I couldn’t see myself without.DSC_0754

The way his work shirts always smell of his cologne, no matter how dirty or clean they are.

The way I hear him call me ‘sweet angel’ in the mornings when he leaves for work, even without me opening my eyes.
The way he opens every door, and kisses me every morning. The way he always warns me if he is going to sleep facing away from me. The way he brings me breakfast just to get me up to spend time with him. The way he knows how I like my tea and coffee, better than I know myself.

imageHe is my ultimate dream man. The man I use to always compare men to. The man I use to write about and dream about.

“I look for you in everyone”

I would write constantly.

Brad was my high school sweetheart. He was the first relationship I found myself in when I started school for the first time. I was known as “the girl that wouldn’t love”, yet he loved me unconditionally.

The first relationship that involved love, passion, selflessness, and highschool. After a few years of working together, living together, and our teenage jealousy issues, Brad and I broke up. Which could be considered the hardest and most emotional breakup of my life.

Brad went one direction in life, and I went another. Running into eachother seldomly thanks to the fact that we lived in a 4 mile long town.

After years of us growing, and changing, we were at a point to where we were IMG_3589good friends; and then better friends; and then even better friends; and then in a “no commitment” long distance relationship; and then he’s moving 600 miles away from our hometown to be with me.

Brad has always been the man to sacrifice everything for my happiness, and this time is was moving to Florida, away from his entire family, to be with me.

You cant spell “manipulation” without “man”.

Relationships are often imbalanced. Usually with one person feeling more, while the other does not. I happen to find myself in a very unbalanced relationship as of 2 weeks ago.

Lets reminisce. Remember that one time when I said to myself.. hmm, life is far too easy and comfortable. I would love to find the most absolute needy and insane man, with utmost baggage, a horrible temper, the ability to lie about anything and everything, the incapability to trust, cynical, conceded, two faced, hungry for pity, thirsty for attention, and the need to control your every moment. After we have found him, lets have him stay in my home for two months straight. Consider it a science experiment.

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Now, two months later and I look back. My friends were days away from holding an intervention to get me out, and even his own friends treat me with more respect now that its over. They watched me be manipulated for 2 months. Everything I loved and cared for was put on hold.

This was the first man I chose to date when I moved out to Florida. I brushed away all other attempts from men, and chose this one. Luckily I never went through any serious denial concerning whether he was the right guy for me or not. I knew damn well after two weeks that this constant struggle that we were calling a “relationship” was simply biding its time. He stubbornly hung onto me, and refused to let me go. Countless times I told him to leave, and countless times he refused. It was the most mentally draining relationship I had ever gotten myself into.

I definitely cant say I had a good time. He didn’t teach me anything except to stay far away from the crazies with baggage, and he didn’t give me anything except for a cactus named “Burrito”.

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Why. Why did I do that. Was it all the things he said to me? Was it all the lies and promises that seemed so surreal that they had to be true. Fortunately I learned very quickly that someone trying to control me at such an unbelievable extent, was not my type. After two weeks together, I had every bad thing that could happen, happen. My anxiety was at an all time high, and my luck was at an all time low. Everything was going wrong, and all I had was this mentally unstable man who spent all his time trying to convince me that we were a team, and we were going to get through everything together.

The very next day after we broke up, I managed to buy myself the exact car that I wanted, and only days after that I was hired at my dream job. Suddenly everything was beautiful again. I had my friends back, and I was doing the things I enjoyed again.

Unbelievable. Completely unbelievable.

As I said last year.

I enjoyed going back and reading my post from this day last year. The coldest December I can ever remember, December 2012.

But now today, on December thirty-first 2013, things are a little different — It id the very last day I will ever spend in 2013. It’s over guys, and I’d like to officially declare this year:

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The astounding year of firsts
On firsts
On firsts
On firsts

I’m living the 20’s life! The life of constant excitement and entertainment! There is rarely a dull moment, and even those dull moments are simply considered peaceful, beautiful, and full of blessings.
My post last year was so full of heart ache and anger, yet I was proud of the changes I had made, yet it was quiet obvious that I wasn’t happy with those changes.
But hot damn look at me now!
God is a strategic God, you must never forget that, no matter how long and bumpy the ride gets.
This year I have chosen to forget the grudges and heartache that I found myself dealing with in the past. You may wonder, “How can you forget something that’s happened to you?” But one definition of the word forget is to disregard intentionally or to overlook.
In other words, you have to choose to disregard your nasty past so that it doesn’t keep you from moving forward. That means the good and the bad. Sometimes our past victories keep us from rising higher as much as past failures.
If we don’t let go of the old, we’ll never be able to embrace the new.
It doesn’t matter what’s happened in your history, it’s time to forget what lies behind.

Today is the perfect day to make the choice to live forward. Trust that God has a better future in store for you. Trust that He’s working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you forget what lies behind and press forward, you’ll move forward. You’ll see increase and blessing and live the abundant life He has in store for you!

Pruning your life.

“He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful” (John 15:2, NIV)

In life, we all go through a pruning process. God will prune our lives so that we can bear much fruit. To “prune” means something is cut away, something is removed. In other words, maybe a good friend, maybe you moved to another city, or maybe a relationship went a different direction.

God knows what you need in your life in order to grow and flourish. Sometimes when things happen that we don’t understand, we have to just trust that He is working behind the scenes preparing you for increase, preparing you to go to another level. Don’t put a question mark where God has placed a period.

When you’re going through transition, don’t get bitter. Don’t get down and think it’s the end. Don’t start thinking that you’re a failure. Have the attitude, “God, I let this go knowing that it was only temporary provision, and what You have in my future will be greater than what I’m letting go of.”

The lyrics.

Music has changed so much for me in the past few months.
I don’t just listen to music anymore, I can’t help but to feel it.

Music means so much more to you when you’re in a struggling place, such as myself struggling with being alone. This is a whole new world for me, and even though I truly love the freedom of being single, it’s hard to be alone all the time. Feeling like you’ll never find that one.
The music I find myself listening to seems to breath emotional lyrics into my ear. I feel my heart ache for everyone else whose heart aches as mine.

Please tell me you’re the one.
Its the reason why I run.