I have this weird thing that I’ve been doing lately.
Whenever a man shows the slightest bit of interest in me.
I start to resent him.
I roll my eyes at every kind word, and question his every action.
It really doesn’t make much sense. I don’t do it on purpose, honestly these men care deeply for me, and I’m almost disgusted in them for doing so.
Then I realized – I resent them for not being the man that I use to love. I can’t stand the idea of anyone other than him treating me better.
I’m constantly shooting them down for no reason except that – They aren’t Him. And I hate that about me.
At last the surgery that I’ve been dreading for six months is over and done with.
Now I sit in my bed with copious bottles of pills open next to me. I sleep more than anything. I’m sure as soon as I finish writing this, my body will insist I drift back off to sleep again.
But sleep is good, it’s been quite rare for me to enjoy sleep these past few months, so I’m not bothered by this new and unusual sleeping pattern.
I don’t mind sleeping all the time, the more I sleep, the less I think, and that’s been doing me well.
Everyone gets lonely when they’re not feeling well, and I find myself craving someone that is no longer in my life.
I find myself with a man laying next to be, yet completely uninterested in him, even after he brought me adorable gifts, and is as sweet and charming as he can be.
I’m sorry.. There just isn’t anything there. But thank you. I suppose.
The thing about moving to the very place that use to be your sanctuary, is that it becomes painfully common.
We all have the place where we run to, the place where we hide. What if it has now become your everyday life, and there is nothing extraordinary about it anymore.
Twice I have done this.
Moved to the place where I use to constantly run to.
Asheville was my sanctuary from Franklin.
And Tampa was my sanctuary from North Carolina.
Both places had dwindled into my mediocre timeline.
HAPPY FIVE MONTHS SINGLE
Somehow the emphasis doesn’t seem sincere. Does it?
It’s been a long bumpy road these past five months. Five months of sleepless nights spent alone, wondering what went wrong five months ago, and when will things start getting easier.
In the past two weeks things have really been toppling over me.
Work has slowed down so much that it’s almost nonexistent.
I don’t even want to think of how few hours I’ve been working.
My wisdom teeth have to be pulled and I have to come up with about $1,400 for the extraction.
My car just broke down, and in the end I’m down $700, plus I’ve been without a car for an entire weekend.
My phone was stolen, and even with insurance I was $260 in the hole.
Almost two thousand dollars later I’m basking in my stress. Will things get easier?
My step mom happened to text me only hours after I ran my stressed heart out. “We can help you.” she says to me.
I want to cry just thinking about it. Such incredible people her and my father are. I’ve never had people be there for me like they are. Always when I need them most, they’re there.
My heart is overflowing with love right now. I can’t even think about money.
We lay there in the middle of the night.
My back turned to you.
My back is always turned to you.
Your arm rests heavily over waist.
I’m so uncomfortable but I refuse to turn over.
I refuse to face you.
Read my mind, make things better.
You’re not right for me.
They never are right for me.
In a matter of 8 days I’ve had a great deal happen to me that has caused a shift in my attitude. A shift in my approach towards men and life in general.
Before I moved, my mom pointed her finger at me and said, “Six months Annie. You can’t date for six more months!”
We both laughed, she would never have actually meant it, but at this moment I am creeping up on month number 5. The idea of being with a man makes me sick.
I can’t hold, or kiss, or care for any man that wants me to.
I spend so much effort pushing away the hearts of sweet innocent men that are only hoping for a chance to change my mind.
They can’t change my mind.
No one can change my mind.
The most perfect man could knock on my door right now, and I still would turn him away, with ease and grace.
Men are constantly pursuing me, and I am constantly running.
I’ve gained the reputation of being a horrible texter. A horrible replier. A horrible communicator.
When simply enough, I just do not want to communicate with them. I don’t want to communicate with any of them.
I don’t want to date them, or go out with them, or hug them, or sit next to them. Nothing. I just want to be alone. Please.
Please just leave me alone.
You boys are only going to get hurt.
Do you realize that you spend most of your life waiting. What could we possibly be waiting so long for.
Waiting for things to get better, get easier, get warmer, get colder?
Waiting for happiness, for love, for a sign, for a push?
I had an epiphany when I was 21 years old. I realized that I had spent the winter writing about how things would get better, yet excepting the fact that the way things were, was the way things would always be.
After far too long, I decided to finally put myself first. I decided to start living life to the very fullest I could possibly live it.
In two weeks time I had quit my job, packed up everything I owned, and moved 800 miles away in a little black Ford Focus.
I have a history of apologizing for not only my emotions and my every action – yet I cant seem to bring myself to apologize for taking off. I left every family, friend, and lover, to start new in a place I barely knew – But I had to get away.
Everyone needs to understand that not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly.
Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to us because their way of living forces us to compromise who we are, what we love, and our all around happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.
Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a happier life for yourself.
Those people may resent you, but one day they will understand. It takes nothing but time.