The lyrics.

Music has changed so much for me in the past few months.
I don’t just listen to music anymore, I can’t help but to feel it.

Music means so much more to you when you’re in a struggling place, such as myself struggling with being alone. This is a whole new world for me, and even though I truly love the freedom of being single, it’s hard to be alone all the time. Feeling like you’ll never find that one.
The music I find myself listening to seems to breath emotional lyrics into my ear. I feel my heart ache for everyone else whose heart aches as mine.

Please tell me you’re the one.
Its the reason why I run.

Awake.

I can’t keep doing this.
I can’t keep lying awake at night.
Countless hours waiting for my eyelids to grow heavy.
Hours on hours to feel every ache and pain in my body.
I can’t do this much longer.

I watch from afar.

In the five months that I’ve been here, I’ve watched every one if my closest friends cry and struggle over the infatuation of a man.
I’ve held my friends tight, and poured them wine, and watched them puke into a toilet, as they sob over a man they thought cared for them.

This is why I’m single.

I find myself repeating over and over in my head.

I can’t bring myself to go through that heartache again. But at the same time, I realize how unusual it is for me to be heart broken. I’ve watched people do some crazy stuff over a relationship that had lasted as long as my period. I’ve never become so attached so quickly.

Sometimes it’s good to have a cold heart.
Sometimes it’s good to be heartless.

Drugs and a Foggy brain.

At last the surgery that I’ve been dreading for six months is over and done with.
Now I sit in my bed with copious bottles of pills open next to me. I sleep more than anything. I’m sure as soon as I finish writing this, my body will insist I drift back off to sleep again.
But sleep is good, it’s been quite rare for me to enjoy sleep these past few months, so I’m not bothered by this new and unusual sleeping pattern.
I don’t mind sleeping all the time, the more I sleep, the less I think, and that’s been doing me well.
Everyone gets lonely when they’re not feeling well, and I find myself craving someone that is no longer in my life.
I find myself with a man laying next to be, yet completely uninterested in him, even after he brought me adorable gifts, and is as sweet and charming as he can be.
I’m sorry.. There just isn’t anything there. But thank you. I suppose.

I Don’t Miss You.

I feel good all the time.
Constantly.
I think it’s because I’ve been doing a lot of drinking lately.
Day drinking, night drinking.
Am I coping for something? Am I trying to blur you out? I remember you; But only in short painful bursts – like as if you set your phasers from kill to stun.

This isn’t easy. I know I come off as this being easy for me, baby, this is so hard.
The amount of times I’ve brought you up today is absolutely pathetic.

Someday I’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you. Someday I’ll know why you didn’t fight for me.

But I hope that you find the right one.
I hope she loves you for the weird way you brush your teeth and for the way you love the smell of cinnamon brooms.
I hope she makes sure you take your medication, and cooks you breakfast on Saturday mornings.
I hope she likes Mexican food and watching shows on Netflix.
I hope she knows that your lips shake when your upset, and that you will always, no matter what, open the car door for her.
I sincerely hope.

I don’t miss you. I don’t miss anything.

Perfectly fine one minute.
In tears and wanting to hold you the next.
Complete 360 in a matter of moments.

Don’t ask me if I’m okay.

The Lonely Road.

If you know me, you know that typically, love spills out of me like a joyful glass of wine, filled to the brim with blessings .

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I find myself embracing everyone I see.
Every sentence is a compliment or a celebration of life. Life has so much to be celebrated about.

Rivulets of laughter bubble out of my lips, I simply cant restrain my happy heart.
Strangers thank me for being so in love with life. For reminding them that this is a good day, and they deserve to walk away from me with a smile.

However, those days are not everyday.
It is rare since I’ve moved to Florida, but it is known to happen.
It begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.
A feeling of physical pain caused by loneliness. My hands grip my warn out stealing wheel, I can hear me consciously tell myself that it is okay to cry.
It’s always okay to cry.

I won’t tell anyone I’m lonely, I wont mention I’m sad. This is simply a phase that we go through.

I’ll keep driving and keep moving on. But these Florida roads aren’t as peaceful as they were back in North Carolina.

Dear Man Across the Room.

Dear Man Across the Room,
It was a pleasure to make eye contact with you. I like the outfit you decided to wear today, and you have an incredible smile. But please don’t come over here.
You see, even though we both enjoy looking at each other, I sincerely don’t want to waste your time.
Thank you for asking for my number, it was great talking to you, I truly believe you’re interested in me.. but I don’t want to waste your time.
You see, sweet Man Across the Room, I’m a lost cause, and even though my father told me not to let my heart grow cold, I believe I already have.

Why don’t you believe me?
Okay, lets just say there is a spark between us, lets just say we date, lets just say you start to call me yours, and I call you mine.
You’ll come to learn that I’ll never let you say the word “forever” around me.
You’ll tell me you love me everyday, and I’ll never reply with the same.
You’ll never get to make love to me.
You’ll talk of marriage, and future, yet everytime I’ll laugh and change the subject.
I won’t let you get close, you’ll try, and you’ll fight, and I’ll sit in silence and you’ll walk away in disgust.
This is who I’ve become.
And the day you realize that, and the day you tell me, “We will overcome this cold silence”, is the day you will never lose me.

Because all I ask for is true effort.
True, unwavering, passionate, effort.
But we will never find out if you will give me that effort, because I will never give you the chance to prove yourself.

But thank you, Man Across the Room. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else.