I watch from afar.

In the five months that I’ve been here, I’ve watched every one if my closest friends cry and struggle over the infatuation of a man.
I’ve held my friends tight, and poured them wine, and watched them puke into a toilet, as they sob over a man they thought cared for them.

This is why I’m single.

I find myself repeating over and over in my head.

I can’t bring myself to go through that heartache again. But at the same time, I realize how unusual it is for me to be heart broken. I’ve watched people do some crazy stuff over a relationship that had lasted as long as my period. I’ve never become so attached so quickly.

Sometimes it’s good to have a cold heart.
Sometimes it’s good to be heartless.

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Waiting is Toxic.

Do you realize that you spend most of your life waiting. What could we possibly be waiting so long for.
Waiting for things to get better, get easier, get warmer, get colder?
Waiting for happiness, for love, for a sign, for a push?
I had an epiphany when I was 21 years old. I realized that I had spent the winter writing about how things would get better, yet excepting the fact that the way things were, was the way things would always be.
After far too long, I decided to finally put myself first. I decided to start living life to the very fullest I could possibly live it.
In two weeks time I had quit my job, packed up everything I owned, and moved 800 miles away in a little black Ford Focus.
I have a history of apologizing for not only my emotions and my every action – yet I cant seem to bring myself to apologize for taking off. I left every family, friend, and lover, to start new in a place I barely knew – But I had to get away.

20130819-121046.jpg Everyone needs to understand that not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly.
Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to us because their way of living forces us to compromise who we are, what we love, and our all around happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.

Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a happier life for yourself.

Those people may resent you, but one day they will understand. It takes nothing but time.

I Don’t Miss You.

I feel good all the time.
Constantly.
I think it’s because I’ve been doing a lot of drinking lately.
Day drinking, night drinking.
Am I coping for something? Am I trying to blur you out? I remember you; But only in short painful bursts – like as if you set your phasers from kill to stun.

This isn’t easy. I know I come off as this being easy for me, baby, this is so hard.
The amount of times I’ve brought you up today is absolutely pathetic.

Someday I’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you. Someday I’ll know why you didn’t fight for me.

But I hope that you find the right one.
I hope she loves you for the weird way you brush your teeth and for the way you love the smell of cinnamon brooms.
I hope she makes sure you take your medication, and cooks you breakfast on Saturday mornings.
I hope she likes Mexican food and watching shows on Netflix.
I hope she knows that your lips shake when your upset, and that you will always, no matter what, open the car door for her.
I sincerely hope.

I don’t miss you. I don’t miss anything.

Be somebody instead of somebody’s.

Three months ago I became a single woman.
After 11 months I had to do one of the hardest acts, and simply walk away from a man that I once loved.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is accept the absence of happiness in a relationship. Which is what had happened to us.
We were simply existing near each other, the passion and effort had not only become nonexistent, but grudges began to take root. We became shadows in each others daily lives.
Our pride and egos caused us to deny any type of struggle. We slowly began to fade from each others hearts.

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But don’t worry baby, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, and I won’t blame anyone for what happened in the past.
Life is moving forward, and I have so much living ahead of me. Why would I blame one person for what happened in the past?
He had never hurt me.
It just wasn’t right.
We weren’t right.
And that’s perfectly okay.

Sometimes in relationships we don’t want to be found as the one that gave up, so we slowly disappear.
Only when the relationship comes to an end do we reappear again, because no one came looking for us.
(In my head this makes sense)
The choices I made, I did that for me. When you think about it, life truly begins when you allow your curiosity for the extraordinary to run wild. Which is exactly what my life is leading towards.

I refuse to search for someone to fill the void that Bucky filled. We as humans are surprisingly strong, and are capable of learning so much, not only about the world around us, but about ourselves. We are complex creatures. At times we don’t even fully understand our own emotions or actions.
In my own opinion, I feel that when you are in a serious relationship, the ability to learn about yourself becomes stunted. It is difficult find out the type of person you are when you are spending your time seeking validation from your significant other.
It is so unhealthy when we don’t give ourselves time to be somebody, instead of somebody’s.

Hopeless Romantic.

In my prime dating years, I’ve repetitively heard the term, “I’m a hopeless romantic.”
Particularly from men.
Okay, actually only from men.
Even just last night I had a man call me, and in his lonely frustration, cursed himself for being “a hopeless romantic”.
But what is it that you boys think a hopeless romantic is? Because the men that have been throwing that term around are truly the most selfish people Ive come to know.

So you want to find love? You want to find a soul mate? You want things to be easy?
Yet you push away the women that care for you and want to be there for you. You refuse to fight for that love, you want it to walk up to you and say “I’m here, I’ll take care of you, and I’ll stay right by your side even though you won’t treat me right.”
Basically from the men who have told me they were “hopeless romantics”, it pretty much means they are lonely and pity themselves because of it.tumblr_mnjkramoPh1r0o13po1_500
But that shouldn’t be the definition.
Hopeless Romantics should love, love. They should be passionate and romantic. They should put more effort into others than they do themselves. If you are lazy and self centered, then you probably had your heart broken, because someone you loved left you, you just can’t fathom why, and you pity yourself for it.
Hence, you using the term, “hopeless romantic”.

In my eyes, it just looks hopeless.
There is nothing romantic about a man being mad he’s alone.