You cant spell “manipulation” without “man”.

Relationships are often imbalanced. Usually with one person feeling more, while the other does not. I happen to find myself in a very unbalanced relationship as of 2 weeks ago.

Lets reminisce. Remember that one time when I said to myself.. hmm, life is far too easy and comfortable. I would love to find the most absolute needy and insane man, with utmost baggage, a horrible temper, the ability to lie about anything and everything, the incapability to trust, cynical, conceded, two faced, hungry for pity, thirsty for attention, and the need to control your every moment. After we have found him, lets have him stay in my home for two months straight. Consider it a science experiment.

20140529-235402.jpg

Now, two months later and I look back. My friends were days away from holding an intervention to get me out, and even his own friends treat me with more respect now that its over. They watched me be manipulated for 2 months. Everything I loved and cared for was put on hold.

This was the first man I chose to date when I moved out to Florida. I brushed away all other attempts from men, and chose this one. Luckily I never went through any serious denial concerning whether he was the right guy for me or not. I knew damn well after two weeks that this constant struggle that we were calling a “relationship” was simply biding its time. He stubbornly hung onto me, and refused to let me go. Countless times I told him to leave, and countless times he refused. It was the most mentally draining relationship I had ever gotten myself into.

I definitely cant say I had a good time. He didn’t teach me anything except to stay far away from the crazies with baggage, and he didn’t give me anything except for a cactus named “Burrito”.

20140529-235430.jpg

Why. Why did I do that. Was it all the things he said to me? Was it all the lies and promises that seemed so surreal that they had to be true. Fortunately I learned very quickly that someone trying to control me at such an unbelievable extent, was not my type. After two weeks together, I had every bad thing that could happen, happen. My anxiety was at an all time high, and my luck was at an all time low. Everything was going wrong, and all I had was this mentally unstable man who spent all his time trying to convince me that we were a team, and we were going to get through everything together.

The very next day after we broke up, I managed to buy myself the exact car that I wanted, and only days after that I was hired at my dream job. Suddenly everything was beautiful again. I had my friends back, and I was doing the things I enjoyed again.

Unbelievable. Completely unbelievable.

Single. It’s so simple.

While trying to be perfect for someone else, you end up losing yourself the most.
I learned this during nine years of multiple serious relationships. Even though I’ve never been one that needed a man in my life, I always found myself jumping from one serious relationship to another. Each man offering me his heart, his life, marriage, a family, and basically everything a girl might want.
Mind you, I am 22 years old, and in those 22 years, I felt like I learned the most about myself when I was 20 and single for about 3 months. That’s as long as I lasted before I found my way back into the arms of my ex.

20140109-035936.jpg
Today I am nine beautiful months single. My stress dwindles away more and more each day. Since the last time I visited North Carolina, things have been getting better and better and better. Money in flowing in faster, my routine is becoming more comforting, my health is strong, my love life is pure. I can’t think of anything that could make things better.
Ever since I plucked the negative from my life, nothing but blessings have surrounded me. I’m so lucky.

Going cold.

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks.
20131105-000722.jpg

I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster, heading mostly in the direction of complete and total disgust and unwavering anger towards the opposite sex. My last nerve has been pinched, and I’ve officially become the super heartless bitch that I always I knew could be, but never thought would be.

Usually you hear about women being the clingy emotionally draining psychopaths.
Unfortunately it’s those exact traits that the men that find me appealing seem to have.
I’m done being nice. I’m over being sweet.
Done and done.

The lyrics.

Music has changed so much for me in the past few months.
I don’t just listen to music anymore, I can’t help but to feel it.

Music means so much more to you when you’re in a struggling place, such as myself struggling with being alone. This is a whole new world for me, and even though I truly love the freedom of being single, it’s hard to be alone all the time. Feeling like you’ll never find that one.
The music I find myself listening to seems to breath emotional lyrics into my ear. I feel my heart ache for everyone else whose heart aches as mine.

Please tell me you’re the one.
Its the reason why I run.

I watch from afar.

In the five months that I’ve been here, I’ve watched every one if my closest friends cry and struggle over the infatuation of a man.
I’ve held my friends tight, and poured them wine, and watched them puke into a toilet, as they sob over a man they thought cared for them.

This is why I’m single.

I find myself repeating over and over in my head.

I can’t bring myself to go through that heartache again. But at the same time, I realize how unusual it is for me to be heart broken. I’ve watched people do some crazy stuff over a relationship that had lasted as long as my period. I’ve never become so attached so quickly.

Sometimes it’s good to have a cold heart.
Sometimes it’s good to be heartless.

We lay there in the middle of the night.
My back turned to you.
My back is always turned to you.
Your arm rests heavily over waist.
I’m so uncomfortable but I refuse to turn over.
I refuse to face you.
Read my mind, make things better.

You’re not right for me.
They never are right for me.

Leave my Lonely Heart Be.

In a matter of 8 days I’ve had a great deal happen to me that has caused a shift in my attitude. A shift in my approach towards men and life in general.
Before I moved, my mom pointed her finger at me and said, “Six months Annie. You can’t date for six more months!”
We both laughed, she would never have actually meant it, but at this moment I am creeping up on month number 5. The idea of being with a man makes me sick.
I can’t hold, or kiss, or care for any man that wants me to.
I spend so much effort pushing away the hearts of sweet innocent men that are only hoping for a chance to change my mind.
They can’t change my mind.
No one can change my mind.
The most perfect man could knock on my door right now, and I still would turn him away, with ease and grace.

Men are constantly pursuing me, and I am constantly running.
I’ve gained the reputation of being a horrible texter. A horrible replier. A horrible communicator.
When simply enough, I just do not want to communicate with them. I don’t want to communicate with any of them.
I don’t want to date them, or go out with them, or hug them, or sit next to them. Nothing. I just want to be alone. Please.
Please just leave me alone.
You boys are only going to get hurt.

Grow a Pair.

No. I don’t deal with awkward well.
I don’t deal well with boys who are so incredibly unsure, and constantly second guessing themselves.
If your not confident in yourself when it comes down to pursuing me, then consider yourself awkwardly pinning on the Friend Zone Badge.

I can’t stand when I actually decide to give a man a window of opportunity to pursue something between us, and he spends that window of opportunity doubting his every move.
I mean I can watch it happening! I can literally watch these men second guess themselves with every brush of contact they make with me.

No patience.
Need a man.

Detached.

I’m really more of the suffer in silence type. I don’t bother people with my problems, and on an average day I keep to myself. I find brushing things off easy to do, and I rarely need a shoulder to cry on, however sometimes I do wish I was still in a relationship. Waiting for someone you’re not even sure will show up is draining. Waiting for the unknown is like a fist in your heart, and a constant questionable ache. My attempts at a relationship is not exactly “progress”. My immediate response to every man wiling to fight for my attention is push and run. The few who understand my cruel sarcasm is still gunned down with harsh ammunition. Men are willing to fight for what they want, but only for so long.

I have to tip my hat to them though. Men do not get the credit they deserve. Men can be very observant in certain aspects, and will study you in great detail when they want to get closer to you.
They will hum and discuss music they feel I would enjoy.
They will bring up topics of quotes about interests they are aware that I have.
Men are clever, but very sneaky.
I have found myself impressed with a few men right now.
However I am working on not getting emotionally invested in people, and it’s actually been a complete success. It doesn’t take much for me to stay emotionally detached, apparently.

Johanna de Silentio once said, “You have your whole lifetime; time takes times. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”