I watch from afar.

In the five months that I’ve been here, I’ve watched every one if my closest friends cry and struggle over the infatuation of a man.
I’ve held my friends tight, and poured them wine, and watched them puke into a toilet, as they sob over a man they thought cared for them.

This is why I’m single.

I find myself repeating over and over in my head.

I can’t bring myself to go through that heartache again. But at the same time, I realize how unusual it is for me to be heart broken. I’ve watched people do some crazy stuff over a relationship that had lasted as long as my period. I’ve never become so attached so quickly.

Sometimes it’s good to have a cold heart.
Sometimes it’s good to be heartless.

Where I Belong.

It’s funny how after so many years of feeling out of place and unhappy where I was, to be living somewhere where I am continuously overwhelmed with happiness, is such a refreshing feeling.
I truly feel that I belong here.
I truly feel that this is where I was meant to be.
After spending a week in North Carolina a few day ago, I realized how much I couldn’t help but dwell over everything while I was there.
I was constantly upset and distraught. I couldn’t get my mind off my exes and my old friends and everything that caused heartache and struggle in my life.
I only cried once, and if only my father could have understood that it wasn’t him that was causing the tears, but the pain that I had built up in my heart in a matter of 6 days.
It was actually painful to be there.
My heart constantly ached.

It’s good to know I made the right choice. Life here is so beautiful.

Was it real.

DSC_8550People would constantly tell me, ” Wow, I had no idea you guys were struggling. You’re an incredible actress.”

They said these things because all they saw were loveless pictures, such as this one.

What they didnt know was that the majority of this day I spent holding back tears.

I remember the silent drive home, and crying myself to sleep that night. I was so unhappy and depressed. And he wasnt bothered by it.

Thats all I remember when I look at these pictures.

Were we even happy, baby? Was it all for show?

Simple Words.

I work with one man at the doctors office, other than he doctors themselves.
Today as I was sitting alone in the X-ray room, sipping coffee and watching nerdy YouTube videos, he comes in, sits down, looks over and says, “you know, I’m probably going to cry when you leave.”
I laughed and slapped my knee.
“I’m serious though. You don’t come across girls like you very often Annie. Everyday you come in here, in a good mood, with all your health problems and relationship issues that you’ve been dealing with. You’re always the most positive one here.”
I just laughed.
“I’m serious Annie. I think about how the men at the fire department would kill to have a woman like you.”
I laughed again.
“Did he not cry, or fight for you? I mean did he really just let you go..?”
I sighed, and nodded my head.
I told him my sob story. I smiled as I explained how I lost almost everything in the storm on Saturday, because my ex boyfriend insisted I had everything out by then.
He stared at me, mouth wide, eyes sad.
“You deserve so much Annie. You deserve to have the world given to you. Not taken away.”

I’m so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. They get me through the toughest of times.