Dear 2017 me,

The sole reason I’m writing today, is to give me the opportunity to look back and be proud of myself.

Today, September 12th 2016, I find myself unemployed (by my own choice) and searching for the job that is going to make my life a joy. I’ve been in this new city for 42 days, and in that time I have 

  1. Trained at the karate school once a week 
  2. Started a job, and quit said job withing 4 weeks
  3. Made absolutely zero friends 
  4. Gained a considerable amount of weight
  5. Read 8 chapters of a fictional book 
  6. And really done absolutely nothing that I am proud of (besides climb a few waterfalls and mountains) 

 I’m now without a job, and unhappy with where I am personally right now.

So what next. Am I going to get that job that I’ve been praying and begging for? Am I going to continue to train for my Adult black belt? Or am I going to find myself settling for a low paying job, like so many people I’ve met here.

Only time will tell. And I am giving myself the opportunity to look back and see me at another low point in my life. 
All I can do is pray, and wait for God to open a door for me. He knows exactly where I need to be in life, and the opportunity will arise.  

I just hope it’s soon…

Flash — ahh

What do the artists, song writers, bloggers, and those people who write long status updates – all have in common;     suffering.

Okay, maybe a little too extreme.

But its true. These exceptional writers base words and lyrics on their struggles. So, what happens when those suffering, treacherous souls become — happy?

Well for me, I found myself with nothing interesting to write about. My heart didn’t ache with sadness anymore, my eyes didn’t overflow with tears of abandonment or loathing. All I do is count down until the next time I get so see my incredible husband. I spend my nights clung to his side, with constant gross mushy tones of infatuation.PB0_2717

However this has been an exciting past few months for us and our tiny little gypsy family (me, my husband, and our plants).

In the beginning of June, Brad and I promised to love and cherish each other for the rest of our lives.

Our marriage was everything I ever dreamed of (If I ever planned my wedding before getting engaged like normal women do).

In July, Brad was offered and incredible opportunity in the very city we were married, Asheville, North Carolina. In a matter of two weeks we packed up everything we owned, signed a lease, and moved to Asheville!

On the way from Florida to North Carolina I got in a minor car accident, and had my 25th Birthday. Nothing like keeping us on our toes! But our house is beautiful, and is in a beautiful part of town. I’ve been out of the job for what feels like a lifetime, however it’s given me the time to unpack and make this place a little homey.

Within only a few days I got a call for the very job I had been hoping for, and climbed two waterfalls ( this is not a metaphor, I really did).

And this is where we settle (for now). In the same town I’ve written so much about already. But now with an entirely different perspective on life and love.

So many of these roads bring back glimpses of memories, most of which I cant fully remember, or have suppressed for the past 3.5 years. But nothing makes me happier to be here.

With our family only an hour away, and a beautiful roof over our heads, we are set — at least for a while!


 

Aiken to marry you.

It has been nine weeks today since Brad glided down to one knee, surrounded by ice and children; and asked me to continue this beautiful journey with him until the end of time.

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It’s been nine weeks of change, planning, excitment, and brokeness. At this point we have everything we need to enjoy our wedding day. Dress, rings, officiant, and of course our family and friends.

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My bridesmaids have their dresses, and have been such a support. I’ve already thrown down a huge chunk of change just in gifts for them, because honestly nothing could ever replace these girls.

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Little at a time we’re getting everything we need for our big day, and we couldn’t be more ecstatic.
Life is so beautiful, and we are so lucky to have eachother to move forward in life as one.

Only 87 more days!

Much thanks, very full

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

My eyes opened at 9:20 Thanksgiving morning. I immediately roll over my boyfriend, full weight, body sprawled.image

Thanks to the fact that we went out the night before, to support my coworker’s birthday at an insane party/rave, that our old 24 year old bodies were not able to handle – Brad promptly awoken with a hangover.
PERFECT! I finally am the one taking care of HIS headache instead of the other way around. Pancakes are made, kayak rentals are called, and plans are brewing!

We drove to Tampa, we took pictures on the beach, we ate guacamole, and goat cheese, and ramen, and cabbage soup. Then at 5pm, Brad had to tuck his blue shirt in and make his way to Best Buy, to probably the worst shift he is ever going to have at work. I understand BlackFriday, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it. And now, at 7:30 pm, I’m watching stand up comedy and so thankful for this entire, stress free, drama less, loveful Thanksgiving.image

This Thanksgiving was different from every other Thanksgiving we ever experienced, but it was close, and full of joy, and eachother.
I couldnt be more grateful for this day we can look back on and say,
“Heh, remember when we were 24 and poor and in so much love.”

 

 

You may now kick the Bride.

DSC_1708 According to Wikipedia, bridezilla (a neologistic portmanteau of bride and Godzilla) is a difficult, unpleasant, perfectionist bride who leaves irritated family, friends and bridal vendors in her wake. She is often called greedy, selfish and spoiled, not caring about the people that she hurts to get exactly what she wants on her perfect day.

A  year ago, I became a maid-of-honor.

Notice how I chose my words carefully, because I was not asked to be a maid-of-honor, nor was it my my bestfriend. I was told that I was going to be the maid-of-honor by a woman who has really no friends.

This experience was one of the most terrible and stressful experiences of my life.

I found myself cursing love. I found myself a doormat. I found myself sobbing in the arms of the man I hope to one day marry, and yelling that I would never have my own wedding. DSC_1679

After the heartless wedding ended, I cut myself from the bride and groom completely.

Still, three months later, I have yet to speak a word to them.

Never let the poisonous people in your life take control. Get out, get away, and never look back. Forgive them, but never look back.

 

Simply daydreaming.

Two years ago I was single and alone, I dreamed of my perfect man, in hopes that I might one day find him soon. Today I came across this description of my perfect man, and unbelievably enough.. it sounds exactly like the one I am with today.

God sends countless blessings, and he is my largest and most important.

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I can picture him perfectly.
His messy brunette hair, and clean shaven face offset his gauged ears and skillfully tattooed arms.
His slender fingers pluck softly at an acoustic guitar. His converse shoes tap the floor with the song.
His attention pulls away from the guitar. His deep blue eyes glance up, a smile slowly stretches across his face.
Two dimples appear on either cheek. His beautiful white teeth tuck back away as he glances back at his guitar.
His worn superman shirt grips his biceps tightly. His back muscles move with each fret.

Brad

DSC_0799I can’t picture my life without Brad. He’s ultimately become a part of me, after so many years of relationships, friendships, benefitships, awkwardships, and infatuationships, he’s my someone I couldn’t see myself without.DSC_0754

The way his work shirts always smell of his cologne, no matter how dirty or clean they are.

The way I hear him call me ‘sweet angel’ in the mornings when he leaves for work, even without me opening my eyes.
The way he opens every door, and kisses me every morning. The way he always warns me if he is going to sleep facing away from me. The way he brings me breakfast just to get me up to spend time with him. The way he knows how I like my tea and coffee, better than I know myself.

imageHe is my ultimate dream man. The man I use to always compare men to. The man I use to write about and dream about.

“I look for you in everyone”

I would write constantly.

Brad was my high school sweetheart. He was the first relationship I found myself in when I started school for the first time. I was known as “the girl that wouldn’t love”, yet he loved me unconditionally.

The first relationship that involved love, passion, selflessness, and highschool. After a few years of working together, living together, and our teenage jealousy issues, Brad and I broke up. Which could be considered the hardest and most emotional breakup of my life.

Brad went one direction in life, and I went another. Running into eachother seldomly thanks to the fact that we lived in a 4 mile long town.

After years of us growing, and changing, we were at a point to where we were IMG_3589good friends; and then better friends; and then even better friends; and then in a “no commitment” long distance relationship; and then he’s moving 600 miles away from our hometown to be with me.

Brad has always been the man to sacrifice everything for my happiness, and this time is was moving to Florida, away from his entire family, to be with me.

The big Move

A new home is like a new beginning. It gives you the same feeling the New Year gives you, imagewhen January 1st rolls around, and you’re flushed with the fictitious feeling that you can start fresh thanks to the date on the calendar.
Moving to a new home gives the the same perception. Any belongings that you feel unnecessary or cluttering, you dispose of. The things you find valuable, you wrap carefully and bring it with you.

Two weeks ago we stepped into our new home, and was able to call it ours

We were given the feeling of a new beginning, and the realization that even with all of our belongings combinded, we owned very little.
Sleeping in a hammock as our bed, and eating on the floor was an exciting start to our new lives on 60th street.

You cant spell “manipulation” without “man”.

Relationships are often imbalanced. Usually with one person feeling more, while the other does not. I happen to find myself in a very unbalanced relationship as of 2 weeks ago.

Lets reminisce. Remember that one time when I said to myself.. hmm, life is far too easy and comfortable. I would love to find the most absolute needy and insane man, with utmost baggage, a horrible temper, the ability to lie about anything and everything, the incapability to trust, cynical, conceded, two faced, hungry for pity, thirsty for attention, and the need to control your every moment. After we have found him, lets have him stay in my home for two months straight. Consider it a science experiment.

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Now, two months later and I look back. My friends were days away from holding an intervention to get me out, and even his own friends treat me with more respect now that its over. They watched me be manipulated for 2 months. Everything I loved and cared for was put on hold.

This was the first man I chose to date when I moved out to Florida. I brushed away all other attempts from men, and chose this one. Luckily I never went through any serious denial concerning whether he was the right guy for me or not. I knew damn well after two weeks that this constant struggle that we were calling a “relationship” was simply biding its time. He stubbornly hung onto me, and refused to let me go. Countless times I told him to leave, and countless times he refused. It was the most mentally draining relationship I had ever gotten myself into.

I definitely cant say I had a good time. He didn’t teach me anything except to stay far away from the crazies with baggage, and he didn’t give me anything except for a cactus named “Burrito”.

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Why. Why did I do that. Was it all the things he said to me? Was it all the lies and promises that seemed so surreal that they had to be true. Fortunately I learned very quickly that someone trying to control me at such an unbelievable extent, was not my type. After two weeks together, I had every bad thing that could happen, happen. My anxiety was at an all time high, and my luck was at an all time low. Everything was going wrong, and all I had was this mentally unstable man who spent all his time trying to convince me that we were a team, and we were going to get through everything together.

The very next day after we broke up, I managed to buy myself the exact car that I wanted, and only days after that I was hired at my dream job. Suddenly everything was beautiful again. I had my friends back, and I was doing the things I enjoyed again.

Unbelievable. Completely unbelievable.

Single. It’s so simple.

While trying to be perfect for someone else, you end up losing yourself the most.
I learned this during nine years of multiple serious relationships. Even though I’ve never been one that needed a man in my life, I always found myself jumping from one serious relationship to another. Each man offering me his heart, his life, marriage, a family, and basically everything a girl might want.
Mind you, I am 22 years old, and in those 22 years, I felt like I learned the most about myself when I was 20 and single for about 3 months. That’s as long as I lasted before I found my way back into the arms of my ex.

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Today I am nine beautiful months single. My stress dwindles away more and more each day. Since the last time I visited North Carolina, things have been getting better and better and better. Money in flowing in faster, my routine is becoming more comforting, my health is strong, my love life is pure. I can’t think of anything that could make things better.
Ever since I plucked the negative from my life, nothing but blessings have surrounded me. I’m so lucky.