The big Move

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A new home is like a new beginning. It gives you the same feeling the New Year gives you, imagewhen January 1st rolls around, and you’re flushed with the fictitious feeling that you can start fresh thanks to the date on the calendar.
Moving to a new home gives the the same perception. Any belongings that you feel unnecessary or cluttering, you dispose of. The things you find valuable, you wrap carefully and bring it with you.

Two weeks ago we stepped into our new home, and was able to call it ours

We were given the feeling of a new beginning, and the realization that even with all of our belongings combinded, we owned very little.
Sleeping in a hammock as our bed, and eating on the floor was an exciting start to our new lives on 60th street.

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You cant spell “manipulation” without “man”.

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Relationships are often imbalanced. Usually with one person feeling more, while the other does not. I happen to find myself in a very unbalanced relationship as of 2 weeks ago.

Lets reminisce. Remember that one time when I said to myself.. hmm, life is far too easy and comfortable. I would love to find the most absolute needy and insane man, with utmost baggage, a horrible temper, the ability to lie about anything and everything, the incapability to trust, cynical, conceded, two faced, hungry for pity, thirsty for attention, and the need to control your every moment. After we have found him, lets have him stay in my home for two months straight. Consider it a science experiment.

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Now, two months later and I look back. My friends were days away from holding an intervention to get me out, and even his own friends treat me with more respect now that its over. They watched me be manipulated for 2 months. Everything I loved and cared for was put on hold.

This was the first man I chose to date when I moved out to Florida. I brushed away all other attempts from men, and chose this one. Luckily I never went through any serious denial concerning whether he was the right guy for me or not. I knew damn well after two weeks that this constant struggle that we were calling a “relationship” was simply biding its time. He stubbornly hung onto me, and refused to let me go. Countless times I told him to leave, and countless times he refused. It was the most mentally draining relationship I had ever gotten myself into.

I definitely cant say I had a good time. He didn’t teach me anything except to stay far away from the crazies with baggage, and he didn’t give me anything except for a cactus named “Burrito”.

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Why. Why did I do that. Was it all the things he said to me? Was it all the lies and promises that seemed so surreal that they had to be true. Fortunately I learned very quickly that someone trying to control me at such an unbelievable extent, was not my type. After two weeks together, I had every bad thing that could happen, happen. My anxiety was at an all time high, and my luck was at an all time low. Everything was going wrong, and all I had was this mentally unstable man who spent all his time trying to convince me that we were a team, and we were going to get through everything together.

The very next day after we broke up, I managed to buy myself the exact car that I wanted, and only days after that I was hired at my dream job. Suddenly everything was beautiful again. I had my friends back, and I was doing the things I enjoyed again.

Unbelievable. Completely unbelievable.

Single. It’s so simple.

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While trying to be perfect for someone else, you end up losing yourself the most.
I learned this during nine years of multiple serious relationships. Even though I’ve never been one that needed a man in my life, I always found myself jumping from one serious relationship to another. Each man offering me his heart, his life, marriage, a family, and basically everything a girl might want.
Mind you, I am 22 years old, and in those 22 years, I felt like I learned the most about myself when I was 20 and single for about 3 months. That’s as long as I lasted before I found my way back into the arms of my ex.

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Today I am nine beautiful months single. My stress dwindles away more and more each day. Since the last time I visited North Carolina, things have been getting better and better and better. Money in flowing in faster, my routine is becoming more comforting, my health is strong, my love life is pure. I can’t think of anything that could make things better.
Ever since I plucked the negative from my life, nothing but blessings have surrounded me. I’m so lucky.

As I said last year.

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I enjoyed going back and reading my post from this day last year. The coldest December I can ever remember, December 2012.

But now today, on December thirty-first 2013, things are a little different — It id the very last day I will ever spend in 2013. It’s over guys, and I’d like to officially declare this year:

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The astounding year of firsts
On firsts
On firsts
On firsts

I’m living the 20’s life! The life of constant excitement and entertainment! There is rarely a dull moment, and even those dull moments are simply considered peaceful, beautiful, and full of blessings.
My post last year was so full of heart ache and anger, yet I was proud of the changes I had made, yet it was quiet obvious that I wasn’t happy with those changes.
But hot damn look at me now!
God is a strategic God, you must never forget that, no matter how long and bumpy the ride gets.
This year I have chosen to forget the grudges and heartache that I found myself dealing with in the past. You may wonder, “How can you forget something that’s happened to you?” But one definition of the word forget is to disregard intentionally or to overlook.
In other words, you have to choose to disregard your nasty past so that it doesn’t keep you from moving forward. That means the good and the bad. Sometimes our past victories keep us from rising higher as much as past failures.
If we don’t let go of the old, we’ll never be able to embrace the new.
It doesn’t matter what’s happened in your history, it’s time to forget what lies behind.

Today is the perfect day to make the choice to live forward. Trust that God has a better future in store for you. Trust that He’s working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you forget what lies behind and press forward, you’ll move forward. You’ll see increase and blessing and live the abundant life He has in store for you!

Going Home.

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20131120-003958.jpg The other day I found myself silently celebrating my 6 month anniversary in Florida. 6 months of complete and total independent living, without my family or help of anykind.

I’ve been sailing a one manned ship for 6 very bumpy months, and I’ve managed to make it work every single day.
One thing I’ve learned in my life is that God likes to outdo Himself.
God has taken me places that I never thought possible. He has opened up doors that I never imagined and has brought me closer to my brother than I have ever in my life.
Staying up hours on end talking about the future, our lives, and our dreams. I truly believe that we put behind us the difficulties that we always had over the years.

Going home (North Carolina) for however long the trip might be, I always find myself feeling refreshed and relieved once I returned back to Florida. I can only handle so much of the past before it really eats at my heart. I spent 20 years racking up bad memories in a tiny 4 mile long town. Every building, every road, every person, has a memory attached to it. This last trip home was possibly the hardest, to date. I spent two long weeks in the mountains, trying my hardest to spend quality time with each and every person I loved. Well; mission accomplished.

Even though I was able to see everyone I had hoped to, I still spent most of my 9 hour drive home in tears. I had made a very difficult choice on my last day in North Carolina. A choice that I can see effecting me for years into the future. Truthfully I do not regret that decision, and I/m happy of my choice.

No lies, No facade, No fake smile. Exactly what you wanted.

Going cold.

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It’s been an interesting couple of weeks.
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I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster, heading mostly in the direction of complete and total disgust and unwavering anger towards the opposite sex. My last nerve has been pinched, and I’ve officially become the super heartless bitch that I always I knew could be, but never thought would be.

Usually you hear about women being the clingy emotionally draining psychopaths.
Unfortunately it’s those exact traits that the men that find me appealing seem to have.
I’m done being nice. I’m over being sweet.
Done and done.

Pruning your life.

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“He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful” (John 15:2, NIV)

In life, we all go through a pruning process. God will prune our lives so that we can bear much fruit. To “prune” means something is cut away, something is removed. In other words, maybe a good friend, maybe you moved to another city, or maybe a relationship went a different direction.

God knows what you need in your life in order to grow and flourish. Sometimes when things happen that we don’t understand, we have to just trust that He is working behind the scenes preparing you for increase, preparing you to go to another level. Don’t put a question mark where God has placed a period.

When you’re going through transition, don’t get bitter. Don’t get down and think it’s the end. Don’t start thinking that you’re a failure. Have the attitude, “God, I let this go knowing that it was only temporary provision, and what You have in my future will be greater than what I’m letting go of.”

The lyrics.

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Music has changed so much for me in the past few months.
I don’t just listen to music anymore, I can’t help but to feel it.

Music means so much more to you when you’re in a struggling place, such as myself struggling with being alone. This is a whole new world for me, and even though I truly love the freedom of being single, it’s hard to be alone all the time. Feeling like you’ll never find that one.
The music I find myself listening to seems to breath emotional lyrics into my ear. I feel my heart ache for everyone else whose heart aches as mine.

Please tell me you’re the one.
Its the reason why I run.