Leave my Lonely Heart Be.

In a matter of 8 days I’ve had a great deal happen to me that has caused a shift in my attitude. A shift in my approach towards men and life in general.
Before I moved, my mom pointed her finger at me and said, “Six months Annie. You can’t date for six more months!”
We both laughed, she would never have actually meant it, but at this moment I am creeping up on month number 5. The idea of being with a man makes me sick.
I can’t hold, or kiss, or care for any man that wants me to.
I spend so much effort pushing away the hearts of sweet innocent men that are only hoping for a chance to change my mind.
They can’t change my mind.
No one can change my mind.
The most perfect man could knock on my door right now, and I still would turn him away, with ease and grace.

Men are constantly pursuing me, and I am constantly running.
I’ve gained the reputation of being a horrible texter. A horrible replier. A horrible communicator.
When simply enough, I just do not want to communicate with them. I don’t want to communicate with any of them.
I don’t want to date them, or go out with them, or hug them, or sit next to them. Nothing. I just want to be alone. Please.
Please just leave me alone.
You boys are only going to get hurt.

When it isn’t right.

DSC_9687I will not let you become infatuated by me.
I will push you away as soon as you decide you want to be close.
I have come to realize that I am completely emotional unavailable. No matter how much I want to be in my head. Being available sounds like such a great idea, in theory.
No I am not ready to admit I care for you. I don’t even know how to care for someone anymore. Why do you make this so hard.
My heart is somewhere else. I don’t even truly know where that somewhere is, but it isn’t here. It isn’t with us.

This is wrong. This is so wrong.