We can help you.

Somehow the emphasis doesn’t seem sincere. Does it?
It’s been a long bumpy road these past five months. Five months of sleepless nights spent alone, wondering what went wrong five months ago, and when will things start getting easier.
In the past two weeks things have really been toppling over me.
Work has slowed down so much that it’s almost nonexistent.
I don’t even want to think of how few hours I’ve been working.

My wisdom teeth have to be pulled and I have to come up with about $1,400 for the extraction.
My car just broke down, and in the end I’m down $700, plus I’ve been without a car for an entire weekend.
My phone was stolen, and even with insurance I was $260 in the hole.

Almost two thousand dollars later I’m basking in my stress. Will things get easier?
My step mom happened to text me only hours after I ran my stressed heart out.
“We can help you.” she says to me.
I want to cry just thinking about it. Such incredible people her and my father are. I’ve never had people be there for me like they are. Always when I need them most, they’re there.

My heart is overflowing with love right now. I can’t even think about money.

Everything will be okay.


What’s an Emotion.

My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?

Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?

They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.

What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.

Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.

Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.

How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.

My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.

The Day Job.

Today we had a patient come in for a routine X-ray. As I brought her from her waiting room to the X-ray room, I noticed that she was dressed nicely with a pink cardigan and black slacks, she held a purse in one hand and a jacket in the other, she had short black hair with signs of greying. She heard me with little difficulty and walked just as fast as I did down the halls of the building. She was slightly short tempered but didn’t speak much. This woman was born on September 22, 1918. This would make her 94 years old.
I was astounded. When you work in an orthopedics office, you see people in there 50’s who look like they’re on they’re deathbed. But this lady was 94, and just a lucid as you and me.
Amazed by her, we asked, “What is your secret for looking so young at 94?”
Without hesitation, and almost irritation she answered, “I just don’t worry about things all the time.”
You can imagine the look on my face.
This woman’s unbelievable aging secret is not to stress. Not to stress about work, or money, or your shitty relationship.
Well I’m screwed… Why haven’t people figured this out earlier? It’s such a simple thing. Don’t stress. Just breath. Don’t stress.

Miner breakdown. All is well.

After reading my post yesterday, it’s pretty clear that I had an anxiety attack, not just splattered on my blog, but right there in my boyfriend’s car on my lunch break.
I just sat there shaking and crying. I couldn’t even explain why.
My attempt at words only came out in tears, painful tears that you feel in your throat. I don’t even know what was going on. By 7am I had already cried 3 separate times, and on my way to work, and while I was at work.
The only conclusion I could come up with was that I’ve just been extremely stressed out with work, lack of sleep, and home life, that I just had to have a break down.
I’m definitely still extremely tired, but not feeling like my world is coming to an end.

Trying to stay positive.

Santa is a rich bastard.

I think every year I expect the Christmas season to run smoothly, no stress, no money problems, no worrying about if enough gifts were bought for whoever I feel deserved the most for loving me. But damn cookies and milk, every year I’m wrong. This year especially. I’m finding myself so stupidly stressed out by the holidays this year, that I’m wondering when life went from “wooo bring on the gifts bitches!” to “Holy titties I have no idea what my crazy family wants.” The shortage of money and the urge to buy my friends/family/boyfriend everything I can possibly get my hands on, is not helping either. I’m honestly just ready for it to be over. Only one more week to go and then I can hopefully breath a little slower and wipe away my stress tears. Maybe even get this house clean!


Working hard or hardly… wait how did I get here?

Some of the most unbelievable things have happened in my lifetime.

At the age of 15 I achieved a black belt 

At the age of 20 I graduated college.

At the age of 21 I landed a job in a doctors office, and three months later I am working as an x-ray assistant. It’s interesting to think about. My doctor said that landing that job right out of college is absolutely awesome. I guess it is! I’ve never actually been PROUD of the job I had. Yes working in a doctors office is an achievement enough, after only working in restaurants for most of my life. But to truly sit back and be like.. damn… who would have thunk it. I’m practically an adult!… not. haha I’m actually the youngest one back there. Everyone in the back of the house with me are in their 30’s and 40’s. it’s interesting to see how I fit in that mix, the 21 year old who has action figures glued to her dashboard, and obsesses over scifi movies and television shows. 

Do not get me wrong, this is an extremely stressful job. Absolutely it is the most stressful job I have ever been tied down to. And now that my boyfriend has opened his own business  and isnt going to be getting a steady paycheck every week like we have been use to… I have a feeling that my dream of becoming a fitness instructor anytime soon, isnt going to be happening. Thats okay though. I’m prepared to work my ass off for as long as I can possible handle it. 

I think I just handle stress different than the average person. Bucky’s buddy and mentioned it a couple times how when I come home, I’m never in a bad mood. But as my doctors have told me many times…. I am very atypical, and even though I never think I’m stressed out, my body shows otherwise. I’ll be in constant pain, and break out in hives. It’s the weirdest thing, but it’s becoming obvious how stressed out I am at work, and how I’m able to bottle it up until it leaks out…. via health issues. 

I never complain about work. Honestly I never complain about anything. I’ve never been much of a complainer about serious issues like my job. Usually all it takes is a break down on my halfhour drive home everyday after work, and then I’m good to carry on for another. 

This is life I suppose. It is never beautiful and perfect all the time. In every aspect.

But I love my boyfriend dearly, and he takes care of me in everyway I could ask him to. 

Life is good. Life is successful