Can’t sleep alone.

I’ve not slept in four days.
I can’t even think, I can’t form words to express how I feel. My mind is cluttered with nonsense.
Tears fall from my eyes, without emotions behind it. Everyone upsets me, everyone frustrates me. The tiny pet peeves I have that I choose to turn a blind eye too, now stands out like a searing burn.
My head throbs. My heart aches.
I blow up over the smallest things, and nothing makes sense.
Why can’t I sleep.

What’s an Emotion.

My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?

Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?

They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.

What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.

Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.

Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.

How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.

My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.

Mistakes made.

DSC_9187I cant do this anymore, baby.
This thing we call a relationship is falling apart before our eyes, and you don’t even seem care.
You have to see it. You have to see my hurt.

Baby, think I’ve given up.
I think I’ve stopped trying to impress you everyday.
I think I just can’t take your judgement anymore, baby. I just can’t shut up an watch you be demeaning towards — not only my friends, but your own.
I think I’m just done putting in every inch of effort I can muster, with nothing in return.
I think Im done expecting the minimum from you and getting even less
With hoping you would understand when you never even try too

I can’t stand telling you that I love you, or looking back on when you use to care for me over yourself
I’ve given you everything you wished for.. how could I possibly give up now.
I’ve never felt like I have been throwing so much of my life away, before.
This in the end
The end of my rope
The last of the straws
The finish of the spilt milk
I’m done

But please prove me wrong, baby.

The Hater of Love.

You know, I started this entry with intentions of writing about my views on Valentines day, and how love should be shown everyday.
This would be the same speech I’ve carried on about since I was I was about 15.
But you know, every year I always hope for something unexpected.
I always hope that the man I was with would do a little something to show his appreciation. I always do so much in relationships, and never ask for anything in return.
I’ve had some pretty rough Valentines under my belt.
2012- Spent home alone. I ended up crying quite a bit if I remember correctly. I was “seeing” someone, but he lived hours away, and the most we exchanged was a Happy Valentines day over text.
2011- I was actually dating the same guy as mentioned in 2012, we went all antivalentinesand we did nothing but worked, he did take me to the gym, I find that pretty darn romantic.
2010- Spent at the guy mentioned in 2011 and 2012’s house, with all my best guy friends. I spend the night sobbing on the floor, while one by one the guys came in and comforted me. Total pity party.
2009- spend with the man I was with for almost 4 years (and who I was crying about in year 2010). He completely covered my room in roses and gifts.
2008- ditto to year 2009.
Before this is pretty much a blur. I’m sure I was dating men during valentines, but it wasn’t anything that mattered.
But to get to the point. This year was very different.
2013- This year I took my boyfriend out to eat.
After we made our way home, I laid in bed. He came upstairs for a short time, told me not to pout, and then left when I wouldn’t speak to him.
Words rarely come to me when my heart is heavy. I’m sorry I’m that way. I’ve always been that way. And baby, you know I’m that way.
It is 11:36 at night.
On valentines day.
And I am alone crying in my bed, while the man I love is unconcerned about the fact .
It’s gotten to the point to if he ever did find this blog, I hope he sees my struggle.
Yes, I am in the wrong for not using my words.
But you are in the wrong for not wanting me to use the words I try to muster. You can’t watch me cry, and then leave. This isn’t going to go away.
What is this relationship that we are in? Who does this. Who puts up with being so hurt for so long.
What do we have to gain from this relationship.
This is only going to end badly, because we have both already given up.

But please fight for me.
You promise you would fight for me.