You know, I started this entry with intentions of writing about my views on Valentines day, and how love should be shown everyday.
This would be the same speech I’ve carried on about since I was I was about 15.
But you know, every year I always hope for something unexpected.
I always hope that the man I was with would do a little something to show his appreciation. I always do so much in relationships, and never ask for anything in return.
I’ve had some pretty rough Valentines under my belt.
2012- Spent home alone. I ended up crying quite a bit if I remember correctly. I was “seeing” someone, but he lived hours away, and the most we exchanged was a Happy Valentines day over text.
2011- I was actually dating the same guy as mentioned in 2012, we went all antivalentinesand we did nothing but worked, he did take me to the gym, I find that pretty darn romantic.
2010- Spent at the guy mentioned in 2011 and 2012’s house, with all my best guy friends. I spend the night sobbing on the floor, while one by one the guys came in and comforted me. Total pity party.
2009- spend with the man I was with for almost 4 years (and who I was crying about in year 2010). He completely covered my room in roses and gifts.
2008- ditto to year 2009.
Before this is pretty much a blur. I’m sure I was dating men during valentines, but it wasn’t anything that mattered.
But to get to the point. This year was very different.
2013- This year I took my boyfriend out to eat.
After we made our way home, I laid in bed. He came upstairs for a short time, told me not to pout, and then left when I wouldn’t speak to him.
Words rarely come to me when my heart is heavy. I’m sorry I’m that way. I’ve always been that way. And baby, you know I’m that way.
It is 11:36 at night.
On valentines day.
And I am alone crying in my bed, while the man I love is unconcerned about the fact .
It’s gotten to the point to if he ever did find this blog, I hope he sees my struggle.
Yes, I am in the wrong for not using my words.
But you are in the wrong for not wanting me to use the words I try to muster. You can’t watch me cry, and then leave. This isn’t going to go away.
What is this relationship that we are in? Who does this. Who puts up with being so hurt for so long.
What do we have to gain from this relationship.
This is only going to end badly, because we have both already given up.
But please fight for me.
You promise you would fight for me.