Where I Belong.

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It’s funny how after so many years of feeling out of place and unhappy where I was, to be living somewhere where I am continuously overwhelmed with happiness, is such a refreshing feeling.
I truly feel that I belong here.
I truly feel that this is where I was meant to be.
After spending a week in North Carolina a few day ago, I realized how much I couldn’t help but dwell over everything while I was there.
I was constantly upset and distraught. I couldn’t get my mind off my exes and my old friends and everything that caused heartache and struggle in my life.
I only cried once, and if only my father could have understood that it wasn’t him that was causing the tears, but the pain that I had built up in my heart in a matter of 6 days.
It was actually painful to be there.
My heart constantly ached.

It’s good to know I made the right choice. Life here is so beautiful.

That Georgia Back Road.

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I’ve been doing a lot of driving this week.

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It’s been a tradition of mine that the week of my birthday, I do a lot of solo traveling.

I’ve never consciously picked my birthday to do all this luscious traveling, it’s just worked out that way, and it’s usually right around 2,000 miles.

This year I traveled to four different states, made a lot of friends, and got to spend quality time with some of old ones. It was truly a wonderful birthday. A lot of thinking and reevaluating, which was much needed.

I was reading an old post I had written back in October (The peak of my excitement concerning moving to Asheveille), I had mentioned something that I found very interesting.
I wrote:

“Move away from Franklin. I had been preparing for seven years to get out of there, and not once did I ever picture it being with a man. It didn’t matter who I was dating, I always knew I would be moving, and I always pictured myself alone.”

I just wanted to put that there as a reminder, that I’ve always known that being alone was the more ideal way of life for me.

As I read on through my posts, it became more and more clear to me how much of an optimistic I am. My bestfriend and roommate told me something last night that was so ingenious that I’m stunned I never thought about it before.
After I had told her my long yet abridged story of my birthday week. She stopped me and asked, ” Now Annie, are you sure you really had a good time, or are you just trying to convince yourself you did? Because we both do this, we are such optimistic’s that we convince ourselves that we are happy and had this amazing time, even though I turned out lousy.”

Never heard truer words. I look back on my past relationships and it became even clearer.
Sometimes you have to take that bad as it is, and except that it was truly bad.
Life doesn’t need to be sugar coated anymore than it already is.

Twenty Two Years Not Dead.

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Today is my twenty second Birthday.

My twenty second year corrupting this galaxy with my loud obnoxious lingo, and outrageous acts of weirdom. In these twenty two years I have found myself associated with some of the most extraordinary situations, and interesting people.
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If you know me, and listen to my story, you know that my life has been one lucky toss of the dice after another.
Constant blessings.
For most if my life I’ve considered myself to be one of the most blessed and lucky girls ever to walk this crazy weird planet. And to put it bluntly, this past two months have been the most exciting and entertaining of them all.
Everything has fallen into place so perfectly for so long, that I’ve found myself bracing for impact from some type of future oncoming Borge ship of bad news.
Am I seriously waiting for something bad to happen? That makes no sense.

Last week, one of my friends was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve spent a good portion of time with him in the past two days, and it’s really inspired me concerning the type of person I am, compared to most of our human race.
This man is 25 years old, and was told that he could die in 1, 5, 10 years- they truly don’t know. That’s usually how cancer works.

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But isn’t that how life is anyway?
Aren’t we just as unsure when our time is up when we are healthy, as we are if we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness?
Why is it that it takes a person telling us that we will be dying at some point in our life, that be begin to actually feel like we should be living our life?
Does that make any sense? No.

I can’t stand how some people approach life. As if movies and videogames will fill the void enough to pass the time, rather than going out and meeting and living and not just simply existing.
Some people disgust me. But we’ll get into that later.

The Lonely Road.

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If you know me, you know that typically, love spills out of me like a joyful glass of wine, filled to the brim with blessings .

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I find myself embracing everyone I see.
Every sentence is a compliment or a celebration of life. Life has so much to be celebrated about.

Rivulets of laughter bubble out of my lips, I simply cant restrain my happy heart.
Strangers thank me for being so in love with life. For reminding them that this is a good day, and they deserve to walk away from me with a smile.

However, those days are not everyday.
It is rare since I’ve moved to Florida, but it is known to happen.
It begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.
A feeling of physical pain caused by loneliness. My hands grip my warn out stealing wheel, I can hear me consciously tell myself that it is okay to cry.
It’s always okay to cry.

I won’t tell anyone I’m lonely, I wont mention I’m sad. This is simply a phase that we go through.

I’ll keep driving and keep moving on. But these Florida roads aren’t as peaceful as they were back in North Carolina.

Be somebody instead of somebody’s.

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Three months ago I became a single woman.
After 11 months I had to do one of the hardest acts, and simply walk away from a man that I once loved.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is accept the absence of happiness in a relationship. Which is what had happened to us.
We were simply existing near each other, the passion and effort had not only become nonexistent, but grudges began to take root. We became shadows in each others daily lives.
Our pride and egos caused us to deny any type of struggle. We slowly began to fade from each others hearts.

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But don’t worry baby, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, and I won’t blame anyone for what happened in the past.
Life is moving forward, and I have so much living ahead of me. Why would I blame one person for what happened in the past?
He had never hurt me.
It just wasn’t right.
We weren’t right.
And that’s perfectly okay.

Sometimes in relationships we don’t want to be found as the one that gave up, so we slowly disappear.
Only when the relationship comes to an end do we reappear again, because no one came looking for us.
(In my head this makes sense)
The choices I made, I did that for me. When you think about it, life truly begins when you allow your curiosity for the extraordinary to run wild. Which is exactly what my life is leading towards.

I refuse to search for someone to fill the void that Bucky filled. We as humans are surprisingly strong, and are capable of learning so much, not only about the world around us, but about ourselves. We are complex creatures. At times we don’t even fully understand our own emotions or actions.
In my own opinion, I feel that when you are in a serious relationship, the ability to learn about yourself becomes stunted. It is difficult find out the type of person you are when you are spending your time seeking validation from your significant other.
It is so unhealthy when we don’t give ourselves time to be somebody, instead of somebody’s.

Self Pity is Poisonous.

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Certainly the most destructive vice that a person can have, more than pride (which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins), is self pity.20130803-110629.jpg
Self pity will ruin a person.
Will ruin a relationship.
Will ruin a friendship.
Will ruin your own metal stability.
Self-pity is the gift that keeps on robbing. The Black Plague of attitudes, a poisonous leech attached to one’s heart.
It is an acid which eats holes in not only your happiness, but everyone that associates with you.
Self-pity takes away the strength needed to escape the predicaments you’re in.
I’ve never been one for expressing self pity. Truthfully one of the biggest peeves I have is watching someone flounder in their own.
Complaining about where you are in life is the first toe-dip into the wide world of self-pity.
Make some damn changes.

Right now in my life I am struggling with something I don’t fully understand.
Yet when I do come to understand it a little better, I’ll be back to dig deeper into the cause and meaning of this struggle.

But for now, I’ll continue to open up to friends I don’t know, and men I’ve never met.

Can’t sleep alone.

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I’ve not slept in four days.
I can’t even think, I can’t form words to express how I feel. My mind is cluttered with nonsense.
Tears fall from my eyes, without emotions behind it. Everyone upsets me, everyone frustrates me. The tiny pet peeves I have that I choose to turn a blind eye too, now stands out like a searing burn.
My head throbs. My heart aches.
I blow up over the smallest things, and nothing makes sense.
Why can’t I sleep.

Reckless and Brave.

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I’ve come to learn that I’m pretty fearless when it comes to almost every situation in life.
Two years ago I packed up and drove 3 hours to spend the weekend with a man I had never met.
Two months ago I packed up and drove 2 hours to spend 24 hours with a man I had spoken to once at a concert.
And yesterday I drove 2 hours to see yet another man I admire in a band (shocker).

It was quiet possibly the most reckless thing I’ve done in a while. Band guys are notorious for having their way with women. But I walked away with my dignity and some amazing stories.
But when I got home my roommate was in tears. I realized that never in my life have I had someone truly worry about me. Worry enough to stay up all night and lose sleep over my decisions.
Wow… Really? I’ve never had someone worry about me as much as her?
That’s so unbelievable. When she sat there crying and telling me how worried she was, I was completely stunned. How could someone worry for me? But Im so careless. I’m such a spur of the moment person.
Why would someone put themselves though the heartache of worrying for me?

It was a real eye opener. That’s for sure.