Simple Words.

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I work with one man at the doctors office, other than he doctors themselves.
Today as I was sitting alone in the X-ray room, sipping coffee and watching nerdy YouTube videos, he comes in, sits down, looks over and says, “you know, I’m probably going to cry when you leave.”
I laughed and slapped my knee.
“I’m serious though. You don’t come across girls like you very often Annie. Everyday you come in here, in a good mood, with all your health problems and relationship issues that you’ve been dealing with. You’re always the most positive one here.”
I just laughed.
“I’m serious Annie. I think about how the men at the fire department would kill to have a woman like you.”
I laughed again.
“Did he not cry, or fight for you? I mean did he really just let you go..?”
I sighed, and nodded my head.
I told him my sob story. I smiled as I explained how I lost almost everything in the storm on Saturday, because my ex boyfriend insisted I had everything out by then.
He stared at me, mouth wide, eyes sad.
“You deserve so much Annie. You deserve to have the world given to you. Not taken away.”

I’m so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. They get me through the toughest of times.

Decisions.

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526596_10151435218712155_1400496900_nOne of the hardest parts of life, is deciding whether to try harder, or walk away, and in some instances, those decisions end up being the greatest choices you’ve made for yourself in a very long time.
After months of fighting with my heart, and pushing aside the inevitable, I am finally doing what I have been planning for myself for years. Moving far, far away from North Carolina. Permanently. With no one to convince me to do otherwise, this is my life. For the first time in too long, my life is being controlled by me, and not the opinions of others.
Things will get easier.

Falling out of Love.

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If you’ve ever been in love, you know how it is. A relationship in the first flush of love is so exciting. Your heart beats faster when you think of your dear one. You make up any excuse to be together, and all your free time revolves around them.Your circle of friends expands to include theirs, and with their encouragement you try some of the adventurous things you never dreamed could. And your friends and family are so happy for you.
Time passes and things change.
You begin to discover not only who you are, but who you are in relation to them. Some of it is good, some of it not as much.
And then they change a little, too. You begin to see who they are and learn what you can expect of them
And it’s still good. You can adapt, accept them for their flaws. You will not abandon.

And things change still more. Communication breaks down. You’re spending more and more time trying to fix things and make them work as smoothly as before.
It’s not easy. Because of the time you’re investing, you begin to feel more isolated from the ones you love.
The warm glow you used to feel has disappeared and been replaced by frustration and disappointment.

And you wonder, is it worth it… Is this worth it.

The Runaway.

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It’s very difficult to go back and read my old posts.
Since I had started this blog, I have been sliding deeper into a wormhole of mood swings, depression, self loathing, and all around mental instability.
I have never been like this. Not for this long. Of course like every woman in the world, I’ll go through stages (usually lasting a week at a time) of unhappiness, but when in lasts more than a couple months.. changes need to be made.
I don’t sleep.
I don’t eat.
I don’t put my whole heart into anything anymore, because I know I will be mocked for doing so.
I have never felt so lonely. I just want to run. I want to run as far away as my money will take me.
I would be leaving nothing behind.

50 things that most people don’t know about me.

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  1. Toilet paper must be always facing outward.
  2. I can dance. Well.
  3. I love burnt popcorn.
  4. I always shake my soda before drinking.
  5. I’m a decent pool player.
  6. I collect Pokemon cards.
  7. I love driving long distances.
  8. I ran away from home when I was about seven. Came home for dinner.
  9. I adore horror movies.
  10. I hate tomatoes, but that’s probably the only thing I really hate eating.
  11. I always wanted to marry into a Greek family. I love the Greeks.
  12. In high school/college my hair was red, blonde, pink, ginger, and brown.
  13. I was in a serious car accident when I was about seventeen years old.
  14. My first kiss was while playing spin the bottle with my brother’s bestfriend.
  15. I love bars, clubs, concerts, and anywhere else there are huge crowds of nasty sweaty people rubbing up on everyone.
  16. I love movies, and quoting movies.
  17. My dream job was to be a photo journalist for the magazine “Black Belt”.
  18. I never celebrated Halloween until I was in college.
  19. I always dent the front of my coke cans.
  20. I love Zumba, even though I use to talk shit about it.
  21. My first pets were two lizards named Fred and George.
  22. I work in a doctors office and I am the youngest employee.
  23. I am the first person in my family to move out of Franklin in 20 years.
  24. While in college, my two close friends and I were nicknamed “Gutter Girls”, cause our heads are always in the gutter.
  25. I am a save-aholic.
  26. I got my first tattoo as soon as I turned 18, and then a new one every month for about 6 months.
  27. I have a total of 8 tattoos and a half sleeve.
  28. Everytime I breakup with someone, I get a piercing.
  29. My father is black. And you WILL offend me if you say the N word.
  30. My sperm donor is 100% Sicilian and I never met him.
  31. I am a Christian, and Jesus is my Lord.
  32. I have two very bestfriends, one lives in Southern California, and the other lives in Georgia.
  33. My food allergies consist of: sugars, dairy, meats, and gluten.
  34. I carry a backpack instead of a purse.
  35. I love swimming at night.
  36. I have never broken a bone.
  37. I was raised in a gym.
  38. I am a social butterfly.
  39. I absolutely adore making and bringing food for guys.
  40. My first job was at a Gem Mine.
  41. I have my black belt in American Kenpo Karate. I love the martial arts with all my heart.
  42. I hate the south and anything involving the south.
  43. I am rarely mad, but constantly disappointed.
  44. I’m not even slightly attracted to chiseled beefcake bros.
  45. I’m completely attracted to tattooed, gauged, band guys.
  46. I HATE living in the mountains.
  47. I only want to live on the beach one day.
  48. It took me about 4 months to finish this post.

When it’s over.

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d5166c95ab04460296c8afd9bd957ef5_7After a period of time you begin to forget the tiny things that you’ve come to learn about someone.
You forget how he always would put 5 creamers in his coffee, and he refused to sleep without at least holding your hand. You only remember the bad things, and the stupid arguments. The fact that you enjoyed the same music becomes irrelevant and just the sound of his name makes you nauseous.
I’ve been through this so many times over the past few years, I’ve never wanted to be finished and done with such emotional holds on people so badly in my life.
I don’t think I am cut out for it at this point in my life.
At this moment I am on my way to San Diego for the week. To clear my head and try and figure my life out. I have my bestfriend and her advice for 7 days. In those 7 days, I have no choice but to make a decision. This is the line.

Mistakes made.

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DSC_9187I cant do this anymore, baby.
This thing we call a relationship is falling apart before our eyes, and you don’t even seem care.
You have to see it. You have to see my hurt.

Baby, think I’ve given up.
I think I’ve stopped trying to impress you everyday.
I think I just can’t take your judgement anymore, baby. I just can’t shut up an watch you be demeaning towards — not only my friends, but your own.
I think I’m just done putting in every inch of effort I can muster, with nothing in return.
I think Im done expecting the minimum from you and getting even less
With hoping you would understand when you never even try too

I can’t stand telling you that I love you, or looking back on when you use to care for me over yourself
I’ve given you everything you wished for.. how could I possibly give up now.
I’ve never felt like I have been throwing so much of my life away, before.
This in the end
The end of my rope
The last of the straws
The finish of the spilt milk
I’m done

But please prove me wrong, baby.

Someone get this girl a smile!

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I kind of jinxed myself when I named my Blog “The DAILY Barefoot”. Obviously I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with the façade of updating everyday. Well to be perfectly honest I’ve been in absolutely no mood this past month. I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again.
I’m upset, I don’t know why.
I’m fine, I don’t know why I was so upset.
I’m upset again, things never get better.
I’m fine, thing will get better.
I was just getting annoyed with myself for repeating over and over. Everytime I started to write, it just tossed my phone aside in frustration.
Well after a good month of not updating, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some serious. Major. Joke free. CHANGES.
I’m not kidding, a girl can only hate what her life is turning into so much.
I thought my life in college was at a holding point, well shit this is a million times worse than college.
I’m doing nothing with my life, and I don’t like the place I’m living.
I need to move. I need to get away from the mountains. I need to go to a place where it is always warm and there are many many people to distract me.
My bestfriend and I were stalking shit back and forth as we usually do. I mentioned that I’ve never worked out so much in my life, and he answered me with the most obvious answer that I had been ignoring for the longer time..

Well yeah… It’s because you’re so depressed all the time.

Bam. Punch to face. Someone other than me sees it. I’m not just crazy, something is seriously wrong.
So I’m going to start slowly making changes to my life until I am back to being content and happy with my life… Like I’ve ALWAYS been.
I’m ready to be happy again.

The Barefoot Fighter.

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Guess what Fit Fam. It’s Brutal Thursday once again! Every night when everyone caters to their Thirsty Thursday routine, I’m at the gym, slaving away for 4 (or more) straight hours of constant weight training and cardio.
I do this twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I can honestly say I’ve haven’t been this in shape since my competition days in karate.
I’m so proud of myself. The only true support I’ve had during this journey is a very small handful of people I’ve come to meet at the gym. For the most part, the majority of the people I am close with are not supportive whatsoever. Convincing me that I’m

Overdoing it

and that I’m

Taking fitness too seriously

I just need to make some things clear about how serious I take fitness.
Fitness is the only thing in the entire world that I am talented at. FITNESS is my ONLY talent. It is the only thing I am proud of and I’m better at than the average person. I am a talented athlete. That is all I have. I don’t have musical talent, or academic talent. I have push yourself farther than anyone else in the room, and keep pushing until you are the last one standing talent.
So don’t you DARE tell me that I’m over doing it. This is what I love, and I depend on it greatly.

The Hater of Love.

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You know, I started this entry with intentions of writing about my views on Valentines day, and how love should be shown everyday.
This would be the same speech I’ve carried on about since I was I was about 15.
But you know, every year I always hope for something unexpected.
I always hope that the man I was with would do a little something to show his appreciation. I always do so much in relationships, and never ask for anything in return.
I’ve had some pretty rough Valentines under my belt.
2012- Spent home alone. I ended up crying quite a bit if I remember correctly. I was “seeing” someone, but he lived hours away, and the most we exchanged was a Happy Valentines day over text.
2011- I was actually dating the same guy as mentioned in 2012, we went all antivalentinesand we did nothing but worked, he did take me to the gym, I find that pretty darn romantic.
2010- Spent at the guy mentioned in 2011 and 2012’s house, with all my best guy friends. I spend the night sobbing on the floor, while one by one the guys came in and comforted me. Total pity party.
2009- spend with the man I was with for almost 4 years (and who I was crying about in year 2010). He completely covered my room in roses and gifts.
2008- ditto to year 2009.
Before this is pretty much a blur. I’m sure I was dating men during valentines, but it wasn’t anything that mattered.
But to get to the point. This year was very different.
2013- This year I took my boyfriend out to eat.
After we made our way home, I laid in bed. He came upstairs for a short time, told me not to pout, and then left when I wouldn’t speak to him.
Words rarely come to me when my heart is heavy. I’m sorry I’m that way. I’ve always been that way. And baby, you know I’m that way.
It is 11:36 at night.
On valentines day.
And I am alone crying in my bed, while the man I love is unconcerned about the fact .
It’s gotten to the point to if he ever did find this blog, I hope he sees my struggle.
Yes, I am in the wrong for not using my words.
But you are in the wrong for not wanting me to use the words I try to muster. You can’t watch me cry, and then leave. This isn’t going to go away.
What is this relationship that we are in? Who does this. Who puts up with being so hurt for so long.
What do we have to gain from this relationship.
This is only going to end badly, because we have both already given up.

But please fight for me.
You promise you would fight for me.