Category Archives: My love

I am a Closet Christian.

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My walk with The Lord is like sleep, slowly, and then all at once.
I once explained my relationship with Christ as a rollercoaster, going from being on fire for The Lord, screaming his name from the rooftops, to almost hiding the fact that he is my father.
20130807-094954.jpgIt’s a terrible and terrifying game that I am not proud of. I struggle so much with this portion of my life, more than anything in the world.
I never question him, yet I constantly question myself. Everyone else seems more knowledgeable and more dedicated.
I need to be taught.
I want to learn.
I hunger for his word and to praise him.

The Lord said “I, the One whom all blessings flow, am also bless by our time together. This is a deep mystery, do not try to fathom it.”
So to break this down, The Lord himself is thankful for the time that we spend together, as little as it might be. He is well aware that this is difficult to grasp, but thats okay. Don’t try to analyze and over think it.
Just know that it is true.

Precious Lord, I surrender my questions and doubt, I surrender my past, I surrender my need to have all the answers and choose to trust that You have all the answers. I will wait on Your timing to reveal Your ways to me and choose to press forward into the destiny You have prepared for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Twenty Two Years Not Dead.

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Today is my twenty second Birthday.

My twenty second year corrupting this galaxy with my loud obnoxious lingo, and outrageous acts of weirdom. In these twenty two years I have found myself associated with some of the most extraordinary situations, and interesting people.
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If you know me, and listen to my story, you know that my life has been one lucky toss of the dice after another.
Constant blessings.
For most if my life I’ve considered myself to be one of the most blessed and lucky girls ever to walk this crazy weird planet. And to put it bluntly, this past two months have been the most exciting and entertaining of them all.
Everything has fallen into place so perfectly for so long, that I’ve found myself bracing for impact from some type of future oncoming Borge ship of bad news.
Am I seriously waiting for something bad to happen? That makes no sense.

Last week, one of my friends was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve spent a good portion of time with him in the past two days, and it’s really inspired me concerning the type of person I am, compared to most of our human race.
This man is 25 years old, and was told that he could die in 1, 5, 10 years- they truly don’t know. That’s usually how cancer works.

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But isn’t that how life is anyway?
Aren’t we just as unsure when our time is up when we are healthy, as we are if we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness?
Why is it that it takes a person telling us that we will be dying at some point in our life, that be begin to actually feel like we should be living our life?
Does that make any sense? No.

I can’t stand how some people approach life. As if movies and videogames will fill the void enough to pass the time, rather than going out and meeting and living and not just simply existing.
Some people disgust me. But we’ll get into that later.

Be somebody instead of somebody’s.

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Three months ago I became a single woman.
After 11 months I had to do one of the hardest acts, and simply walk away from a man that I once loved.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is accept the absence of happiness in a relationship. Which is what had happened to us.
We were simply existing near each other, the passion and effort had not only become nonexistent, but grudges began to take root. We became shadows in each others daily lives.
Our pride and egos caused us to deny any type of struggle. We slowly began to fade from each others hearts.

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But don’t worry baby, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, and I won’t blame anyone for what happened in the past.
Life is moving forward, and I have so much living ahead of me. Why would I blame one person for what happened in the past?
He had never hurt me.
It just wasn’t right.
We weren’t right.
And that’s perfectly okay.

Sometimes in relationships we don’t want to be found as the one that gave up, so we slowly disappear.
Only when the relationship comes to an end do we reappear again, because no one came looking for us.
(In my head this makes sense)
The choices I made, I did that for me. When you think about it, life truly begins when you allow your curiosity for the extraordinary to run wild. Which is exactly what my life is leading towards.

I refuse to search for someone to fill the void that Bucky filled. We as humans are surprisingly strong, and are capable of learning so much, not only about the world around us, but about ourselves. We are complex creatures. At times we don’t even fully understand our own emotions or actions.
In my own opinion, I feel that when you are in a serious relationship, the ability to learn about yourself becomes stunted. It is difficult find out the type of person you are when you are spending your time seeking validation from your significant other.
It is so unhealthy when we don’t give ourselves time to be somebody, instead of somebody’s.

Be a Man.

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I ask of one thing from the males I come in contact with.20130611-132536.jpg Just be a freaking a man.
For Gods sake it isn’t that difficult.
The initiative if for you to take. TAKE IT.
Please do not expect me to chase you for your attention.
If you want a woman to be a part of your life, grow a pair and pursue her.
Women want to feel wanted, and it is not the woman’s job to take the initiative.
That is for the man to do.
Haven’t heard from her all day? Text her and tell her you miss the words that fall from her lips.
Be a man. Be a strong man.

Dear Man Across the Room.

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Dear Man Across the Room,
It was a pleasure to make eye contact with you. I like the outfit you decided to wear today, and you have an incredible smile. But please don’t come over here.
You see, even though we both enjoy looking at each other, I sincerely don’t want to waste your time.
Thank you for asking for my number, it was great talking to you, I truly believe you’re interested in me.. but I don’t want to waste your time.
You see, sweet Man Across the Room, I’m a lost cause, and even though my father told me not to let my heart grow cold, I believe I already have.

Why don’t you believe me?
Okay, lets just say there is a spark between us, lets just say we date, lets just say you start to call me yours, and I call you mine.
You’ll come to learn that I’ll never let you say the word “forever” around me.
You’ll tell me you love me everyday, and I’ll never reply with the same.
You’ll never get to make love to me.
You’ll talk of marriage, and future, yet everytime I’ll laugh and change the subject.
I won’t let you get close, you’ll try, and you’ll fight, and I’ll sit in silence and you’ll walk away in disgust.
This is who I’ve become.
And the day you realize that, and the day you tell me, “We will overcome this cold silence”, is the day you will never lose me.

Because all I ask for is true effort.
True, unwavering, passionate, effort.
But we will never find out if you will give me that effort, because I will never give you the chance to prove yourself.

But thank you, Man Across the Room. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else.

When it isn’t right.

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DSC_9687I will not let you become infatuated by me.
I will push you away as soon as you decide you want to be close.
I have come to realize that I am completely emotional unavailable. No matter how much I want to be in my head. Being available sounds like such a great idea, in theory.
No I am not ready to admit I care for you. I don’t even know how to care for someone anymore. Why do you make this so hard.
My heart is somewhere else. I don’t even truly know where that somewhere is, but it isn’t here. It isn’t with us.

This is wrong. This is so wrong.

A Quick Listen.

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I’m sitting down today without much inspiration to write to. I find it difficult to be inspired when I don’t have something I feel necessary to complain about. I realize that now I am settling into a place I love, with all the happiness I could ask for, it will take a toll on my writing.
What do you write about when everything is astounding? It’s interesting how I dont like to brag about my life, yet I have no problem complaining. In writing, that is.
It has been 7 weeks since I’ve been in a relationship.
It has been 6 weeks since I kissed a man.
And it has been so long since I was seriouslyinterested in anyone romantically.
For some, this seems like nothing to make a big deal about. But mind you, this is the longest I’ve ever gone without an emotional tie to someone. I’ve learned through experience that jumping from one relationship to another is just not giving yourself time to heal.
Time to figure out what went wrong and how can you avoid it.
It’s important to have that alone time, and to focus on yourself and no one else.

I’ve come to learn this in my mistakes.

Was it real.

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DSC_8550People would constantly tell me, ” Wow, I had no idea you guys were struggling. You’re an incredible actress.”

They said these things because all they saw were loveless pictures, such as this one.

What they didnt know was that the majority of this day I spent holding back tears.

I remember the silent drive home, and crying myself to sleep that night. I was so unhappy and depressed. And he wasnt bothered by it.

Thats all I remember when I look at these pictures.

Were we even happy, baby? Was it all for show?

Hopeless Romantic.

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In my prime dating years, I’ve repetitively heard the term, “I’m a hopeless romantic.”
Particularly from men.
Okay, actually only from men.
Even just last night I had a man call me, and in his lonely frustration, cursed himself for being “a hopeless romantic”.
But what is it that you boys think a hopeless romantic is? Because the men that have been throwing that term around are truly the most selfish people Ive come to know.

So you want to find love? You want to find a soul mate? You want things to be easy?
Yet you push away the women that care for you and want to be there for you. You refuse to fight for that love, you want it to walk up to you and say “I’m here, I’ll take care of you, and I’ll stay right by your side even though you won’t treat me right.”
Basically from the men who have told me they were “hopeless romantics”, it pretty much means they are lonely and pity themselves because of it.tumblr_mnjkramoPh1r0o13po1_500
But that shouldn’t be the definition.
Hopeless Romantics should love, love. They should be passionate and romantic. They should put more effort into others than they do themselves. If you are lazy and self centered, then you probably had your heart broken, because someone you loved left you, you just can’t fathom why, and you pity yourself for it.
Hence, you using the term, “hopeless romantic”.

In my eyes, it just looks hopeless.
There is nothing romantic about a man being mad he’s alone.