In the five months that I’ve been here, I’ve watched every one if my closest friends cry and struggle over the infatuation of a man.
I’ve held my friends tight, and poured them wine, and watched them puke into a toilet, as they sob over a man they thought cared for them.
This is why I’m single.
I find myself repeating over and over in my head.
I can’t bring myself to go through that heartache again. But at the same time, I realize how unusual it is for me to be heart broken. I’ve watched people do some crazy stuff over a relationship that had lasted as long as my period. I’ve never become so attached so quickly.
Sometimes it’s good to have a cold heart.
Sometimes it’s good to be heartless.
I have this weird thing that I’ve been doing lately.
Whenever a man shows the slightest bit of interest in me.
I start to resent him.
I roll my eyes at every kind word, and question his every action.
It really doesn’t make much sense. I don’t do it on purpose, honestly these men care deeply for me, and I’m almost disgusted in them for doing so.
Then I realized – I resent them for not being the man that I use to love. I can’t stand the idea of anyone other than him treating me better.
I’m constantly shooting them down for no reason except that – They aren’t Him. And I hate that about me.
We lay there in the middle of the night.
My back turned to you.
My back is always turned to you.
Your arm rests heavily over waist.
I’m so uncomfortable but I refuse to turn over.
I refuse to face you.
Read my mind, make things better.
You’re not right for me.
They never are right for me.
In a matter of 8 days I’ve had a great deal happen to me that has caused a shift in my attitude. A shift in my approach towards men and life in general.
Before I moved, my mom pointed her finger at me and said, “Six months Annie. You can’t date for six more months!”
We both laughed, she would never have actually meant it, but at this moment I am creeping up on month number 5. The idea of being with a man makes me sick.
I can’t hold, or kiss, or care for any man that wants me to.
I spend so much effort pushing away the hearts of sweet innocent men that are only hoping for a chance to change my mind.
They can’t change my mind.
No one can change my mind.
The most perfect man could knock on my door right now, and I still would turn him away, with ease and grace.
Men are constantly pursuing me, and I am constantly running.
I’ve gained the reputation of being a horrible texter. A horrible replier. A horrible communicator.
When simply enough, I just do not want to communicate with them. I don’t want to communicate with any of them.
I don’t want to date them, or go out with them, or hug them, or sit next to them. Nothing. I just want to be alone. Please.
Please just leave me alone.
You boys are only going to get hurt.
No. I don’t deal with awkward well.
I don’t deal well with boys who are so incredibly unsure, and constantly second guessing themselves.
If your not confident in yourself when it comes down to pursuing me, then consider yourself awkwardly pinning on the Friend Zone Badge.
I can’t stand when I actually decide to give a man a window of opportunity to pursue something between us, and he spends that window of opportunity doubting his every move.
I mean I can watch it happening! I can literally watch these men second guess themselves with every brush of contact they make with me.
Do you realize that you spend most of your life waiting. What could we possibly be waiting so long for.
Waiting for things to get better, get easier, get warmer, get colder?
Waiting for happiness, for love, for a sign, for a push?
I had an epiphany when I was 21 years old. I realized that I had spent the winter writing about how things would get better, yet excepting the fact that the way things were, was the way things would always be.
After far too long, I decided to finally put myself first. I decided to start living life to the very fullest I could possibly live it.
In two weeks time I had quit my job, packed up everything I owned, and moved 800 miles away in a little black Ford Focus.
I have a history of apologizing for not only my emotions and my every action – yet I cant seem to bring myself to apologize for taking off. I left every family, friend, and lover, to start new in a place I barely knew – But I had to get away.
Everyone needs to understand that not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly.
Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to us because their way of living forces us to compromise who we are, what we love, and our all around happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.
Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a happier life for yourself.
Those people may resent you, but one day they will understand. It takes nothing but time.
I feel good all the time.
I think it’s because I’ve been doing a lot of drinking lately.
Day drinking, night drinking.
Am I coping for something? Am I trying to blur you out? I remember you; But only in short painful bursts – like as if you set your phasers from kill to stun.
This isn’t easy. I know I come off as this being easy for me, baby, this is so hard.
The amount of times I’ve brought you up today is absolutely pathetic.
Someday I’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you. Someday I’ll know why you didn’t fight for me.
But I hope that you find the right one.
I hope she loves you for the weird way you brush your teeth and for the way you love the smell of cinnamon brooms.
I hope she makes sure you take your medication, and cooks you breakfast on Saturday mornings.
I hope she likes Mexican food and watching shows on Netflix.
I hope she knows that your lips shake when your upset, and that you will always, no matter what, open the car door for her.
I sincerely hope.
I’m really more of the suffer in silence type. I don’t bother people with my problems, and on an average day I keep to myself. I find brushing things off easy to do, and I rarely need a shoulder to cry on, however sometimes I do wish I was still in a relationship. Waiting for someone you’re not even sure will show up is draining. Waiting for the unknown is like a fist in your heart, and a constant questionable ache. My attempts at a relationship is not exactly “progress”. My immediate response to every man wiling to fight for my attention is push and run. The few who understand my cruel sarcasm is still gunned down with harsh ammunition. Men are willing to fight for what they want, but only for so long.
I have to tip my hat to them though. Men do not get the credit they deserve. Men can be very observant in certain aspects, and will study you in great detail when they want to get closer to you.
They will hum and discuss music they feel I would enjoy.
They will bring up topics of quotes about interests they are aware that I have.
Men are clever, but very sneaky.
I have found myself impressed with a few men right now.
However I am working on not getting emotionally invested in people, and it’s actually been a complete success. It doesn’t take much for me to stay emotionally detached, apparently.
Johanna de Silentio once said, “You have your whole lifetime; time takes times. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”