Category Archives: Emotional

Hopeless Romantic.

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In my prime dating years, I’ve repetitively heard the term, “I’m a hopeless romantic.”
Particularly from men.
Okay, actually only from men.
Even just last night I had a man call me, and in his lonely frustration, cursed himself for being “a hopeless romantic”.
But what is it that you boys think a hopeless romantic is? Because the men that have been throwing that term around are truly the most selfish people Ive come to know.

So you want to find love? You want to find a soul mate? You want things to be easy?
Yet you push away the women that care for you and want to be there for you. You refuse to fight for that love, you want it to walk up to you and say “I’m here, I’ll take care of you, and I’ll stay right by your side even though you won’t treat me right.”
Basically from the men who have told me they were “hopeless romantics”, it pretty much means they are lonely and pity themselves because of it.tumblr_mnjkramoPh1r0o13po1_500
But that shouldn’t be the definition.
Hopeless Romantics should love, love. They should be passionate and romantic. They should put more effort into others than they do themselves. If you are lazy and self centered, then you probably had your heart broken, because someone you loved left you, you just can’t fathom why, and you pity yourself for it.
Hence, you using the term, “hopeless romantic”.

In my eyes, it just looks hopeless.
There is nothing romantic about a man being mad he’s alone.

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Your name is always on the tip of my tongue
and if you
wrap me in a blanket and place me by a fire
In the flames I’ll see your smile
But if I blink, it’ll disappear
Because our time, while full, was fleeting
And now you are just dandelion seeds in the summer breeze
that will land in another yard
To make someone else’s wishes come true.

Sleepless Ramblings.

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Sleeping has been a constant struggle since before I hit my first decade.
Chronic Insomnia is what the doctors enjoyed pegging it as.
On an average of 3-4 months at a time.
For an average of 2-3 hours a night.
You function. You have no choice but to function.
You keep your insomnia problems to yourself, because everyone wants to give their opinion on how you aren’t trying hard enough to sleep.
I’m sick of the opinions at this point.
Eleven years later you learn to just take the wee hours you’re given and not complain.
Insomnia isn’t all that bad. I get my best writing done at those times.
However it is my loneliest of times. I always wondered if my husband would stay up with me when I wasn’t able to sleep.

Bucky stayed up with me twice when I wasn’t able to sleep. Two times in a year. He made tea and we watched a movie, and both times I was able to fall back asleep. — I’m not sure why I’m mentioning this little fact, I really haven’t thought about it until today. Strange.
I think the lack of sleep causes me to ramble. I scroll up, apparently I’ve been writing for the past 40 minutes, but when it’s this early in the morning, time usually doesn’t matter.

Not until the sun comes up.

Disguised as Rain.

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In the two weeks of my preparing to leave North Carolina, the heavens had opened up and wept with me.
Perpetual tears rolled down my cheeks, that were always hidden by the rain that covered Asheville.
Cruel rain.
Unstoppable rain.
Rain that fell without remorse.
Rain had become the symbol of our breakup.

Today in Tampa, while we ran our errands and bought our groceries, the sky’s turned black, and the winds blew palm trees with full force.
We all stated the obvious.
Rain was soon to come. As soon as we pull in the driveway, plump drops of rain descend. I rush to the mailbox, bags in hand.
When women normally run for shelter, we smiled and laughed.
“The smell!” my bestfriend yelled over the beautiful sound of rain surrounding us, “Can you smell that, Annie? The smell of the rain!”
I was caught up in the moment.
That is the smell before the rain? That’s the so called petrichor, the scent of rain on dry earth?
We stood out there for a moment, “That smell,” I blurted out, “We don’t have that smell in North Carolina. That smell don’t even exist there.”
“Really? That’s funny.” She laughed as she proceeded to unlock the front door, and the air conditioned room hit our faces.
I spend the majority of the time going from window to window, watching the most beautiful rain take place.
The rain was literally easy on the eyes. It was calm and collected. It didnt feel like a punishment or a reminder of my heartache, but the perfect opportunity to play beautiful music and have long talks with my close friends.

Things are slowly changing.
Everything life is throwing at me is beautiful, sincere and breathtaking.

When Strangers See It Too.

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God has touched me in so many ways in the past four days, I just have to write now, collaborate later.

“I saw you on a treadmill wearing highheals. You were running as fast as you possibly could, with your arms reached out infront of you, reaching for something.
You were running and running and stumbling and catching yourself. And then after running as far as your body could take you, you reached out and hit the stop button.
The treadmill slowly comes to a halt, and you just fall back into someones arms. Completely drained of every last breath you could muster.
You just collapse. Laying there in his arms”

The man that spoke these words to me is almost a stranger. An acquaintance you might say.
He had been one of the men at the bible study I had joined my father at.
He had seen me sitting there and hugged me tightly, after about an hour into he bible study he stopped everything to tell me this.
This is a man that knows nothing of my life, a man that could not possibly know the relevance this vision (for lack of better words) had.
My heart was in my throat. How can someone know things like this about me.
God is so powerful.

What’s an Emotion.

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My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?

Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?

They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.

What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.

Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.

Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.

How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.

My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.

Impress me not.

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Why do people find themselves compelled to impress people. I’m so entirely burnt out from watching and hearing individuals going out of their way to convince others that they are interesting and impressive.
I mean, you learn over time that when someone says something only to make themselves sound interesting, it is simple meaningless surface shit.
It’s easy to tell when someone mentions facts about oneself that was completely unnecessary to bring up.
Why. Why do you have yourself convinced that these little meaningless “interesting” things is going to convince someone that you are a catch, or a better person. I will never understand.

Simple Words.

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I work with one man at the doctors office, other than he doctors themselves.
Today as I was sitting alone in the X-ray room, sipping coffee and watching nerdy YouTube videos, he comes in, sits down, looks over and says, “you know, I’m probably going to cry when you leave.”
I laughed and slapped my knee.
“I’m serious though. You don’t come across girls like you very often Annie. Everyday you come in here, in a good mood, with all your health problems and relationship issues that you’ve been dealing with. You’re always the most positive one here.”
I just laughed.
“I’m serious Annie. I think about how the men at the fire department would kill to have a woman like you.”
I laughed again.
“Did he not cry, or fight for you? I mean did he really just let you go..?”
I sighed, and nodded my head.
I told him my sob story. I smiled as I explained how I lost almost everything in the storm on Saturday, because my ex boyfriend insisted I had everything out by then.
He stared at me, mouth wide, eyes sad.
“You deserve so much Annie. You deserve to have the world given to you. Not taken away.”

I’m so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. They get me through the toughest of times.

Decisions.

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526596_10151435218712155_1400496900_nOne of the hardest parts of life, is deciding whether to try harder, or walk away, and in some instances, those decisions end up being the greatest choices you’ve made for yourself in a very long time.
After months of fighting with my heart, and pushing aside the inevitable, I am finally doing what I have been planning for myself for years. Moving far, far away from North Carolina. Permanently. With no one to convince me to do otherwise, this is my life. For the first time in too long, my life is being controlled by me, and not the opinions of others.
Things will get easier.

Falling out of Love.

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If you’ve ever been in love, you know how it is. A relationship in the first flush of love is so exciting. Your heart beats faster when you think of your dear one. You make up any excuse to be together, and all your free time revolves around them.Your circle of friends expands to include theirs, and with their encouragement you try some of the adventurous things you never dreamed could. And your friends and family are so happy for you.
Time passes and things change.
You begin to discover not only who you are, but who you are in relation to them. Some of it is good, some of it not as much.
And then they change a little, too. You begin to see who they are and learn what you can expect of them
And it’s still good. You can adapt, accept them for their flaws. You will not abandon.

And things change still more. Communication breaks down. You’re spending more and more time trying to fix things and make them work as smoothly as before.
It’s not easy. Because of the time you’re investing, you begin to feel more isolated from the ones you love.
The warm glow you used to feel has disappeared and been replaced by frustration and disappointment.

And you wonder, is it worth it… Is this worth it.