Tag Archives: love

She was Land Locked.

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Today marks my first month calling Tampa, home.
One month. It is definitely a good sign that I’ve made it this long.
I figured that if I was going to fail, I would have done it by now.
But here I am, living and thriving!
And dear heaven do I love it here.
I love the over sized lizards that greet you every time you walk out the door. The snakes and bugs that disappear as fast as they appear.
Taking cold showers every single day without question.
Sweating if not all day, at least once everyday.
The feel of air conditioner hitting your face the moment you enter any building or home.
These are the things I love. The things I’ve dreamed of having since I was a child.
Today I read that God likes to outdo himself. His dream for your life is so much bigger than your own.
He is going to take you places that you never thought possible, open up doors that you never imagined to be unlocked.
He’s going to bring talent out of you that you didn’t even know you had.
This is when I get excited about my future!

My destiny is not determined by the economy, how I was raised, or my education.
My destiny is determined by Almighty God. Look at where he has brought me!

Be a Man.

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I ask of one thing from the males I come in contact with.20130611-132536.jpg Just be a freaking a man.
For Gods sake it isn’t that difficult.
The initiative if for you to take. TAKE IT.
Please do not expect me to chase you for your attention.
If you want a woman to be a part of your life, grow a pair and pursue her.
Women want to feel wanted, and it is not the woman’s job to take the initiative.
That is for the man to do.
Haven’t heard from her all day? Text her and tell her you miss the words that fall from her lips.
Be a man. Be a strong man.

Dear Man Across the Room.

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Dear Man Across the Room,
It was a pleasure to make eye contact with you. I like the outfit you decided to wear today, and you have an incredible smile. But please don’t come over here.
You see, even though we both enjoy looking at each other, I sincerely don’t want to waste your time.
Thank you for asking for my number, it was great talking to you, I truly believe you’re interested in me.. but I don’t want to waste your time.
You see, sweet Man Across the Room, I’m a lost cause, and even though my father told me not to let my heart grow cold, I believe I already have.

Why don’t you believe me?
Okay, lets just say there is a spark between us, lets just say we date, lets just say you start to call me yours, and I call you mine.
You’ll come to learn that I’ll never let you say the word “forever” around me.
You’ll tell me you love me everyday, and I’ll never reply with the same.
You’ll never get to make love to me.
You’ll talk of marriage, and future, yet everytime I’ll laugh and change the subject.
I won’t let you get close, you’ll try, and you’ll fight, and I’ll sit in silence and you’ll walk away in disgust.
This is who I’ve become.
And the day you realize that, and the day you tell me, “We will overcome this cold silence”, is the day you will never lose me.

Because all I ask for is true effort.
True, unwavering, passionate, effort.
But we will never find out if you will give me that effort, because I will never give you the chance to prove yourself.

But thank you, Man Across the Room. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else.

When it isn’t right.

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DSC_9687I will not let you become infatuated by me.
I will push you away as soon as you decide you want to be close.
I have come to realize that I am completely emotional unavailable. No matter how much I want to be in my head. Being available sounds like such a great idea, in theory.
No I am not ready to admit I care for you. I don’t even know how to care for someone anymore. Why do you make this so hard.
My heart is somewhere else. I don’t even truly know where that somewhere is, but it isn’t here. It isn’t with us.

This is wrong. This is so wrong.

Was it real.

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DSC_8550People would constantly tell me, ” Wow, I had no idea you guys were struggling. You’re an incredible actress.”

They said these things because all they saw were loveless pictures, such as this one.

What they didnt know was that the majority of this day I spent holding back tears.

I remember the silent drive home, and crying myself to sleep that night. I was so unhappy and depressed. And he wasnt bothered by it.

Thats all I remember when I look at these pictures.

Were we even happy, baby? Was it all for show?

Hopeless Romantic.

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In my prime dating years, I’ve repetitively heard the term, “I’m a hopeless romantic.”
Particularly from men.
Okay, actually only from men.
Even just last night I had a man call me, and in his lonely frustration, cursed himself for being “a hopeless romantic”.
But what is it that you boys think a hopeless romantic is? Because the men that have been throwing that term around are truly the most selfish people Ive come to know.

So you want to find love? You want to find a soul mate? You want things to be easy?
Yet you push away the women that care for you and want to be there for you. You refuse to fight for that love, you want it to walk up to you and say “I’m here, I’ll take care of you, and I’ll stay right by your side even though you won’t treat me right.”
Basically from the men who have told me they were “hopeless romantics”, it pretty much means they are lonely and pity themselves because of it.tumblr_mnjkramoPh1r0o13po1_500
But that shouldn’t be the definition.
Hopeless Romantics should love, love. They should be passionate and romantic. They should put more effort into others than they do themselves. If you are lazy and self centered, then you probably had your heart broken, because someone you loved left you, you just can’t fathom why, and you pity yourself for it.
Hence, you using the term, “hopeless romantic”.

In my eyes, it just looks hopeless.
There is nothing romantic about a man being mad he’s alone.

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Your name is always on the tip of my tongue
and if you
wrap me in a blanket and place me by a fire
In the flames I’ll see your smile
But if I blink, it’ll disappear
Because our time, while full, was fleeting
And now you are just dandelion seeds in the summer breeze
that will land in another yard
To make someone else’s wishes come true.

Disguised as Rain.

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In the two weeks of my preparing to leave North Carolina, the heavens had opened up and wept with me.
Perpetual tears rolled down my cheeks, that were always hidden by the rain that covered Asheville.
Cruel rain.
Unstoppable rain.
Rain that fell without remorse.
Rain had become the symbol of our breakup.

Today in Tampa, while we ran our errands and bought our groceries, the sky’s turned black, and the winds blew palm trees with full force.
We all stated the obvious.
Rain was soon to come. As soon as we pull in the driveway, plump drops of rain descend. I rush to the mailbox, bags in hand.
When women normally run for shelter, we smiled and laughed.
“The smell!” my bestfriend yelled over the beautiful sound of rain surrounding us, “Can you smell that, Annie? The smell of the rain!”
I was caught up in the moment.
That is the smell before the rain? That’s the so called petrichor, the scent of rain on dry earth?
We stood out there for a moment, “That smell,” I blurted out, “We don’t have that smell in North Carolina. That smell don’t even exist there.”
“Really? That’s funny.” She laughed as she proceeded to unlock the front door, and the air conditioned room hit our faces.
I spend the majority of the time going from window to window, watching the most beautiful rain take place.
The rain was literally easy on the eyes. It was calm and collected. It didnt feel like a punishment or a reminder of my heartache, but the perfect opportunity to play beautiful music and have long talks with my close friends.

Things are slowly changing.
Everything life is throwing at me is beautiful, sincere and breathtaking.

The Naked and New.

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This morning I opened my eyes to a completely different world.
My life routine has been officially compromised and nothing will ever be the same again.
This faithful morning at 7:00am I awoke in Odessa, FL. About 20 minutes away from Tampa, my new home.
Last night I made the grueling 12 hour drive with all of my earthly possessions, toward the unknown and unsure.
I stepped 12 hours out of my comfort zone and into a world of possibilities.
My morning shower was slightly longer than usual, I washed and scrubbed and cleaning off every speck of what might have been left there from my past life. The life I was living in North Carolina. The unhappiness foamed up on my body in forms of soap bubbles, every pore was being washed clean of every unhappy night spent in a place that I never truly felt at home in.

Here I am. Facing this new world head on. I have zero worries, what could I possibly worry about with my Lord on my side. God has grabbed me tightly around the heart in a matter of a week (soon I will be able to tell that amazing story).
My new focus is on my new life that I have begun to build and form.
I am molding who I want to be for the remainder of my days.

This is it. Here I am.
Diving head first into the most beautiful pool of unknown.
What could possibly be more exciting?

What’s an Emotion.

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My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?

Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?

They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.

What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.

Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.

Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.

How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.

My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.