Tag Archives: relationships

That Georgia Back Road.

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I’ve been doing a lot of driving this week.

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It’s been a tradition of mine that the week of my birthday, I do a lot of solo traveling.

I’ve never consciously picked my birthday to do all this luscious traveling, it’s just worked out that way, and it’s usually right around 2,000 miles.

This year I traveled to four different states, made a lot of friends, and got to spend quality time with some of old ones. It was truly a wonderful birthday. A lot of thinking and reevaluating, which was much needed.

I was reading an old post I had written back in October (The peak of my excitement concerning moving to Asheveille), I had mentioned something that I found very interesting.
I wrote:

“Move away from Franklin. I had been preparing for seven years to get out of there, and not once did I ever picture it being with a man. It didn’t matter who I was dating, I always knew I would be moving, and I always pictured myself alone.”

I just wanted to put that there as a reminder, that I’ve always known that being alone was the more ideal way of life for me.

As I read on through my posts, it became more and more clear to me how much of an optimistic I am. My bestfriend and roommate told me something last night that was so ingenious that I’m stunned I never thought about it before.
After I had told her my long yet abridged story of my birthday week. She stopped me and asked, ” Now Annie, are you sure you really had a good time, or are you just trying to convince yourself you did? Because we both do this, we are such optimistic’s that we convince ourselves that we are happy and had this amazing time, even though I turned out lousy.”

Never heard truer words. I look back on my past relationships and it became even clearer.
Sometimes you have to take that bad as it is, and except that it was truly bad.
Life doesn’t need to be sugar coated anymore than it already is.

Twenty Two Years Not Dead.

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Today is my twenty second Birthday.

My twenty second year corrupting this galaxy with my loud obnoxious lingo, and outrageous acts of weirdom. In these twenty two years I have found myself associated with some of the most extraordinary situations, and interesting people.
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If you know me, and listen to my story, you know that my life has been one lucky toss of the dice after another.
Constant blessings.
For most if my life I’ve considered myself to be one of the most blessed and lucky girls ever to walk this crazy weird planet. And to put it bluntly, this past two months have been the most exciting and entertaining of them all.
Everything has fallen into place so perfectly for so long, that I’ve found myself bracing for impact from some type of future oncoming Borge ship of bad news.
Am I seriously waiting for something bad to happen? That makes no sense.

Last week, one of my friends was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve spent a good portion of time with him in the past two days, and it’s really inspired me concerning the type of person I am, compared to most of our human race.
This man is 25 years old, and was told that he could die in 1, 5, 10 years- they truly don’t know. That’s usually how cancer works.

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But isn’t that how life is anyway?
Aren’t we just as unsure when our time is up when we are healthy, as we are if we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness?
Why is it that it takes a person telling us that we will be dying at some point in our life, that be begin to actually feel like we should be living our life?
Does that make any sense? No.

I can’t stand how some people approach life. As if movies and videogames will fill the void enough to pass the time, rather than going out and meeting and living and not just simply existing.
Some people disgust me. But we’ll get into that later.

Be somebody instead of somebody’s.

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Three months ago I became a single woman.
After 11 months I had to do one of the hardest acts, and simply walk away from a man that I once loved.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is accept the absence of happiness in a relationship. Which is what had happened to us.
We were simply existing near each other, the passion and effort had not only become nonexistent, but grudges began to take root. We became shadows in each others daily lives.
Our pride and egos caused us to deny any type of struggle. We slowly began to fade from each others hearts.

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But don’t worry baby, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, and I won’t blame anyone for what happened in the past.
Life is moving forward, and I have so much living ahead of me. Why would I blame one person for what happened in the past?
He had never hurt me.
It just wasn’t right.
We weren’t right.
And that’s perfectly okay.

Sometimes in relationships we don’t want to be found as the one that gave up, so we slowly disappear.
Only when the relationship comes to an end do we reappear again, because no one came looking for us.
(In my head this makes sense)
The choices I made, I did that for me. When you think about it, life truly begins when you allow your curiosity for the extraordinary to run wild. Which is exactly what my life is leading towards.

I refuse to search for someone to fill the void that Bucky filled. We as humans are surprisingly strong, and are capable of learning so much, not only about the world around us, but about ourselves. We are complex creatures. At times we don’t even fully understand our own emotions or actions.
In my own opinion, I feel that when you are in a serious relationship, the ability to learn about yourself becomes stunted. It is difficult find out the type of person you are when you are spending your time seeking validation from your significant other.
It is so unhealthy when we don’t give ourselves time to be somebody, instead of somebody’s.

Communication Me.

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I fixate on my phone screen. Scrolling through the slew of notifications I had received within one hours time.
First I started with my phone calls, listen to the short voicemail.
I check Instagram, Twitter, and if I’m feeling good, maybe even Facebook.
I open my text messages, I read them all. Yet reply to non.
I close out my phone and return it to the wall charger.
I turn on music and drift away from digital social life.
And I ask myself. Are all these new forms of communication really helping us communicate?
Yesterday I spent over 4 hours on the phone with people I thoroughly enjoy talking to.
In one of the conversations I had with a sweet gentleman from Tennessee, we discussed communication today, compared to when we were younger.
We are both in our twenties, and so we got to see both sides of the spectrum.

Talking for hours on the house phone with your best friend, pacing in a corner because the cord would only give you about two yards of leeway.
Today your bestfriend is the person you posted a meme on their Facebook wall, and LOL at.
Things change.
Usually for the worse.
Do we still know how to communicate?
Do we know how to have long conversations?
Discuss everything, and nothing.
No spellcheck, or editing.
Just our lips. Just the first thing that comes to mind.

Lets open up.
Lets dig deep into our hearts.
Lets talk about it.
Lets talk.

Be a Man.

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I ask of one thing from the males I come in contact with.20130611-132536.jpg Just be a freaking a man.
For Gods sake it isn’t that difficult.
The initiative if for you to take. TAKE IT.
Please do not expect me to chase you for your attention.
If you want a woman to be a part of your life, grow a pair and pursue her.
Women want to feel wanted, and it is not the woman’s job to take the initiative.
That is for the man to do.
Haven’t heard from her all day? Text her and tell her you miss the words that fall from her lips.
Be a man. Be a strong man.

Dear Man Across the Room.

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Dear Man Across the Room,
It was a pleasure to make eye contact with you. I like the outfit you decided to wear today, and you have an incredible smile. But please don’t come over here.
You see, even though we both enjoy looking at each other, I sincerely don’t want to waste your time.
Thank you for asking for my number, it was great talking to you, I truly believe you’re interested in me.. but I don’t want to waste your time.
You see, sweet Man Across the Room, I’m a lost cause, and even though my father told me not to let my heart grow cold, I believe I already have.

Why don’t you believe me?
Okay, lets just say there is a spark between us, lets just say we date, lets just say you start to call me yours, and I call you mine.
You’ll come to learn that I’ll never let you say the word “forever” around me.
You’ll tell me you love me everyday, and I’ll never reply with the same.
You’ll never get to make love to me.
You’ll talk of marriage, and future, yet everytime I’ll laugh and change the subject.
I won’t let you get close, you’ll try, and you’ll fight, and I’ll sit in silence and you’ll walk away in disgust.
This is who I’ve become.
And the day you realize that, and the day you tell me, “We will overcome this cold silence”, is the day you will never lose me.

Because all I ask for is true effort.
True, unwavering, passionate, effort.
But we will never find out if you will give me that effort, because I will never give you the chance to prove yourself.

But thank you, Man Across the Room. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else.

When it isn’t right.

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DSC_9687I will not let you become infatuated by me.
I will push you away as soon as you decide you want to be close.
I have come to realize that I am completely emotional unavailable. No matter how much I want to be in my head. Being available sounds like such a great idea, in theory.
No I am not ready to admit I care for you. I don’t even know how to care for someone anymore. Why do you make this so hard.
My heart is somewhere else. I don’t even truly know where that somewhere is, but it isn’t here. It isn’t with us.

This is wrong. This is so wrong.

Was it real.

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DSC_8550People would constantly tell me, ” Wow, I had no idea you guys were struggling. You’re an incredible actress.”

They said these things because all they saw were loveless pictures, such as this one.

What they didnt know was that the majority of this day I spent holding back tears.

I remember the silent drive home, and crying myself to sleep that night. I was so unhappy and depressed. And he wasnt bothered by it.

Thats all I remember when I look at these pictures.

Were we even happy, baby? Was it all for show?

Home is where the bullshit is.

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For a substantial number of years, I have been living out of my car, or a suitcase, or on a couch, or in someones spare bedroom. For the majority of my adult life, I have chose to live in these conditions. I have never minded it, no matter how sad it sounds.

I’ve just always been running away.tumblr_mnerwn17OQ1qk1jiqo1_500
Driving away.
Putting more distance between me and my emotional tie I had with a man.
Constantly on the running from a relationship I ended.
Why am I like this? Why do I love to run away? I can honestly say I don’t even understand my own reasoning.

I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 years old, and since then I haven’t managed to spent more than 11 months in one place. Even the last home I lived in, where I was suppose to let myself settle and make a life in, I had to force myself to hang things up and try and get comfortable, because I knew I wouldn’t be there long.

Home is where the heart is. Home is wherever I’m with you. This is a house, not a home.

Do you know how many times I’ve fed those lines? How many times I’ve NOT felt at home. It’s unbelievable that at 21 years old, I am still living out of a suitcase and boxes…

… and I’m not on tour.