Your name is always on the tip of my tongue
and if you
wrap me in a blanket and place me by a fire
In the flames I’ll see your smile
But if I blink, it’ll disappear
Because our time, while full, was fleeting
And now you are just dandelion seeds in the summer breeze
that will land in another yard
To make someone else’s wishes come true.
Sleepless Ramblings.
Sleeping has been a constant struggle since before I hit my first decade.
Chronic Insomnia is what the doctors enjoyed pegging it as.
On an average of 3-4 months at a time.
For an average of 2-3 hours a night.
You function. You have no choice but to function.
You keep your insomnia problems to yourself, because everyone wants to give their opinion on how you aren’t trying hard enough to sleep.
I’m sick of the opinions at this point.
Eleven years later you learn to just take the wee hours you’re given and not complain.
Insomnia isn’t all that bad. I get my best writing done at those times.
However it is my loneliest of times. I always wondered if my husband would stay up with me when I wasn’t able to sleep.
Bucky stayed up with me twice when I wasn’t able to sleep. Two times in a year. He made tea and we watched a movie, and both times I was able to fall back asleep. — I’m not sure why I’m mentioning this little fact, I really haven’t thought about it until today. Strange.
I think the lack of sleep causes me to ramble. I scroll up, apparently I’ve been writing for the past 40 minutes, but when it’s this early in the morning, time usually doesn’t matter.
Not until the sun comes up.
Disguised as Rain.
In the two weeks of my preparing to leave North Carolina, the heavens had opened up and wept with me.
Perpetual tears rolled down my cheeks, that were always hidden by the rain that covered Asheville.
Cruel rain.
Unstoppable rain.
Rain that fell without remorse.
Rain had become the symbol of our breakup.
Today in Tampa, while we ran our errands and bought our groceries, the sky’s turned black, and the winds blew palm trees with full force.
We all stated the obvious.
Rain was soon to come. As soon as we pull in the driveway, plump drops of rain descend. I rush to the mailbox, bags in hand.
When women normally run for shelter, we smiled and laughed.
“The smell!” my bestfriend yelled over the beautiful sound of rain surrounding us, “Can you smell that, Annie? The smell of the rain!”
I was caught up in the moment.
That is the smell before the rain? That’s the so called petrichor, the scent of rain on dry earth?
We stood out there for a moment, “That smell,” I blurted out, “We don’t have that smell in North Carolina. That smell don’t even exist there.”
“Really? That’s funny.” She laughed as she proceeded to unlock the front door, and the air conditioned room hit our faces.
I spend the majority of the time going from window to window, watching the most beautiful rain take place.
The rain was literally easy on the eyes. It was calm and collected. It didnt feel like a punishment or a reminder of my heartache, but the perfect opportunity to play beautiful music and have long talks with my close friends.
Things are slowly changing.
Everything life is throwing at me is beautiful, sincere and breathtaking.
Your Typical Tampa Bar Experience.
As two single women, me made the decision most single women make on a Friday night.
We were going to make dairy free milkshakes, watch Musicals, and dye our hair.
But of course, last minute we were ripped away from our plans of being social inverts, to going to one of the local Taverns.
Me being the fresh Tampa meat, I was the wingman for my gorgeous room mate.
Yes, I was Goose and she was Maverick, and we both wore our leather and heels in honor of that.
But clothing set aside, we meet up with the lads at the bar.
Greetings are made and drinks are divided among us.
And even though I wanted to follow one of the servers/bartenders around all day if he would have let me, I had not ordered a drink.
Topics were in dire need, but of course the first thing people want to do is talk about my tattoos. roll eyes.
Turns out that the man I was standing across from had “Allons-y” tattooed across his foot (a very nerdy Dr. Who reference).
So I slipped of my heels to show him my Dr. Who “Bowties are cool”, socks I happen to be wearing.
OUT OF NOWHERE!
The most heated drunken hour long rant between 5 men and myself pointing and yelling at eachother, arose from the depths of Mordor.
We touched the heated topics of Star Trek, Star Wars, Dr. Who, Iron Man, The Hulk, Superman, Spiderman, Marvel Comics, JJ Abrams, The Avengers, all Comics in general, Disney’s approach to Star Wars… Ext.
After about 30 minutes of us screaming over eachother, the owner of the comic book store yells “STOP!” We all come to a
Screeching halt.
“I have never, in all my years, seen a girl so passionate about these things.”
My throat was so sore, yet I managed to let out the biggest laugh.
By the end of the night that man had made multiple calls to managers, and promised to find me a job, possibly two, at two of the best paying restaurants in my area.
“Wow, nerds really look out for nerds.” I laughed as we exchanged numbers.
I am getting along so well here. This is becoming more and more my home every day.
Focusing on photon torpedoes rather than proton torpedoes.
Last night I managed to scavenge up enough money to take myself and one other grueling Star Trek fan to see Star Trek: Into Darkness.
Let me star out by saying that I don’t have as many cruel words about Abrams as I thought I would, considering how cynical Trekkies can be concerning the entire structure of Star Trek when pitching it to an uncultured audience (usually fans of everyday SciFi or action films), but I’m happy to announce that after much consideration, I am actually pretty impressed, and not to mention slightly excited by what Abram’s approach might be to the upcoming Star Wars.
But this post is not about Star Wars, as it usually is. But about Star Trek, the redheaded stepchild of most Science Fiction.
The problem with essentially remaking The Wrath of Khan is that you’re asking yourself to be geekily judged by the very high standard of Trekkies around the US.
I’m sure Abrams knew this when as he began working on the film. Abrams managed to take something that is solely based upon instances where there is a curious spatial anomaly in the astrometrics lab and an unexplained burst of tachyon particles from a nearby nebula has cause a wormhole.
This is what Trekkies love, and expect, and wait on the edge of their seats for. Abrams however made these moments almost nonexistent and focused more on the action-packed, dramatic ending, rather than mysteries to be explored.
Respectable, I suppose.
I suppose these are the things viewers hope for.
But the film dearly lacked important Trek-lingo that gave (my favorite) Voyager and the other Trek iterations their distinctive feel. I missed the babble and rambling of spacial distortions that is not scientifically possible.
Abrams did not give the Star Trek feel, it was much more like Star Wars than anything. Its preference for violence and political intrigue rather than science and exploration.
Baby Kirk quoted at the end of the film, “To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.” it was pretty bittersweet to listen to a line that we, as Trekkies, had heard over a hundred times, yet it was to sum up the ending of a film that did not have the soul of Star Trek.
It was upsetting to watch as Abrams approached those “new worlds” with phasers rather than tricorders.
That is NOT the Star Trek way.
My bitter Trekkie heart was a little sore. However Abrams managed not to derail Star Trek, but give you the feel that you just watched Will Smith curb stomp some aliens in Independence Day.
Which in once instance I loved, but like I said… That is NOT the Trek.
A couple other nitpicks I had toward the film was the looseness of the uniforms makes them lose someof the military-ness. This is the MILITARY, not cosplay.
Kirk would have NEVER sent his senior officer into a volcano. That shit is for redshirts, and redshirts only. There was no reason for Spock to be down there except to get Uhura all emotional.
Spock crying. Yes, it was sweet that Spock was all choked up about Kirk’s death (which is Spock’s death at end of The Wrath of Khan), but that is NOT Spock.
He would have sat there in silence, he never would have expressed such emotion.
Khan’s blood was not known to regenerate OTHER cells than his own. Where did Abram come up with that bullshit?
And one of the things that pissed me off the most were the Klingons. THOSE WERE NOT KLINGONS. Those things looked like the gay Persian God, Xerxes in 300 Movie.
BUT! The whole cast was rock-solid, honestly it was such an awesome thing to see Star Trek going from being KNOWN for their chronic horrible actors, to having some of the most extraordinary actors of our time. Benedict Cumberbatch was (for lack of better words) breathtaking at his performance as Khan.
I was (to put it lightly) disappointed that they decided to pick a pasty white British man to portray a genetically engineered superhuman from India, I have no idea how they messed that up. But that doesn’t sway the fact that Benedict did a superb job, as usual. Also Simon Pegg’s portrayal of Scotty was one of the most stand-out performances of the movie.
He was able to truly give the feel of Scotty, original Scotty. Which was such a relief because he is such an important piece of the series.
Overall, I kept in mind what Abrams said about the film – it’s for movie fans, not Trekkies.
He did provide the us with some “inside jokes” of the past. So, he did not completely forget about this audience. It was a movie for everyone.I recommend everyone – including Trekkies – to see it.
Abrams is trying to open it up to everyone wanting to see a good sci-fi movie. Star Trek Into Darkness isn’t a bad movie.
I even admit to the fact that it was a fucking badass fucking movie (even though it’s the new poster-child for sequel mistakes).
But what can you do?
I’m just one of the many Trekkies out there in the world who may ever be truly satisfied.
I was (to put it lightly) disappointed that they decided to pick a pasty white British man to portray a genetically engineered superhuman from India, I have no idea how they messed that up. But that doesn’t sway the fact that Benedict did a superb job, as usual. Also Simon Pegg’s portrayal of Scotty was one of the most stand-out performances of the movie.
He was able to truly give the feel of Scotty, original Scotty. Which was such a relief because he is such an important piece of the series.
Overall, I kept in mind what Abrams said about the film – it’s for movie fans, not Trekkies.
He did provide the us with some “inside jokes” of the past. So, he did not completely forget about this audience. It was a movie for everyone.I recommend everyone – including Trekkies – to see it.
Abrams is trying to open it up to everyone wanting to see a good sci-fi movie. Star Trek Into Darkness isn’t a bad movie.
I even admit to the fact that it was a fucking badass fucking movie (even though it’s the new poster-child for sequel mistakes).
But what can you do?
I’m just one of the many Trekkies out there in the world who may ever be truly satisfied.
When Strangers See It Too.
God has touched me in so many ways in the past four days, I just have to write now, collaborate later.
“I saw you on a treadmill wearing highheals. You were running as fast as you possibly could, with your arms reached out infront of you, reaching for something.
You were running and running and stumbling and catching yourself. And then after running as far as your body could take you, you reached out and hit the stop button.
The treadmill slowly comes to a halt, and you just fall back into someones arms. Completely drained of every last breath you could muster.
You just collapse. Laying there in his arms”
The man that spoke these words to me is almost a stranger. An acquaintance you might say.
He had been one of the men at the bible study I had joined my father at.
He had seen me sitting there and hugged me tightly, after about an hour into he bible study he stopped everything to tell me this.
This is a man that knows nothing of my life, a man that could not possibly know the relevance this vision (for lack of better words) had.
My heart was in my throat. How can someone know things like this about me.
God is so powerful.
The Naked and New.
This morning I opened my eyes to a completely different world.
My life routine has been officially compromised and nothing will ever be the same again.
This faithful morning at 7:00am I awoke in Odessa, FL. About 20 minutes away from Tampa, my new home.
Last night I made the grueling 12 hour drive with all of my earthly possessions, toward the unknown and unsure.
I stepped 12 hours out of my comfort zone and into a world of possibilities.
My morning shower was slightly longer than usual, I washed and scrubbed and cleaning off every speck of what might have been left there from my past life. The life I was living in North Carolina. The unhappiness foamed up on my body in forms of soap bubbles, every pore was being washed clean of every unhappy night spent in a place that I never truly felt at home in.
Here I am. Facing this new world head on. I have zero worries, what could I possibly worry about with my Lord on my side. God has grabbed me tightly around the heart in a matter of a week (soon I will be able to tell that amazing story).
My new focus is on my new life that I have begun to build and form.
I am molding who I want to be for the remainder of my days.
This is it. Here I am.
Diving head first into the most beautiful pool of unknown.
What could possibly be more exciting?
Office quotes.
The last week that I spent at the office, I began writing down all the sweet and funny things people had told me concerning me moving.
Just for the soul purpose that when I look back Ill remember the good, and not just the bad.
“We’re going to do Gluten free shots before you leave. I’m going to ferment something in my house for you.”
“The sad part is that when you leave, I’m going to have to start doing my job and actually fix the computers, instead of you doing it.” -The IT guy
“Chris said he knew you would fit in Tampa just fine when he saw you dance the other night””It’s going to get boring again, Annie”
“But.. Whose going to fix the computers? And our iPhones?”
“I already dread how quiet it’s going to be after you leave.”
“The Tourist players are gonna miss you when they come back for their follow up appointments.”
“We’re gonna miss that bubbly personality.”
“You’re just so happy very day, you’re the happiest person I know! Isn’t she the happiest person you know?”
“We’ll, you’re too good of a person. In the sense that you do good for everyone else and not yourself.”
“You’re like our daughter. We are so proud of you.”
And the one that really choked me up.
“Annie, you don’t come across a heart like yours everyday. I have never met someone your age so selfless. You walk around here laughing, and humming and singing, and you never let the world beat the life out of you. You’re a strong one, Annie. One of the few.”
What’s an Emotion.
My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?
Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?
They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.
What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.
Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.
Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.
How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.
My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.
Impress me not.
Why do people find themselves compelled to impress people. I’m so entirely burnt out from watching and hearing individuals going out of their way to convince others that they are interesting and impressive.
I mean, you learn over time that when someone says something only to make themselves sound interesting, it is simple meaningless surface shit.
It’s easy to tell when someone mentions facts about oneself that was completely unnecessary to bring up.
Why. Why do you have yourself convinced that these little meaningless “interesting” things is going to convince someone that you are a catch, or a better person. I will never understand.
The Daily Barefoot 