We all have things we turn too when we’re going through hard times.
Alcohol, friends, sex, or if you’re me, you go skateboarding. Sadly while I was going through difficulties with my ex boyfriend, I managed to snap my last board.
The first thing I was set on getting as soon as I moved to Tampa was a new board, and why not a longboard since it is Tampa I was moving to.
Yesterday I purchased my first Sector 9 longboard. And I’ve spent every free moment I have on it. Finally I feel like I’m back to the person I was before Asheville.
Finally getting back to being myself again and doing what I love.
Communication Me.
I fixate on my phone screen. Scrolling through the slew of notifications I had received within one hours time.
First I started with my phone calls, listen to the short voicemail.
I check Instagram, Twitter, and if I’m feeling good, maybe even Facebook.
I open my text messages, I read them all. Yet reply to non.
I close out my phone and return it to the wall charger.
I turn on music and drift away from digital social life.
And I ask myself. Are all these new forms of communication really helping us communicate?
Yesterday I spent over 4 hours on the phone with people I thoroughly enjoy talking to.
In one of the conversations I had with a sweet gentleman from Tennessee, we discussed communication today, compared to when we were younger.
We are both in our twenties, and so we got to see both sides of the spectrum.
Talking for hours on the house phone with your best friend, pacing in a corner because the cord would only give you about two yards of leeway.
Today your bestfriend is the person you posted a meme on their Facebook wall, and LOL at.
Things change.
Usually for the worse.
Do we still know how to communicate?
Do we know how to have long conversations?
Discuss everything, and nothing.
No spellcheck, or editing.
Just our lips. Just the first thing that comes to mind.
Lets open up.
Lets dig deep into our hearts.
Lets talk about it.
Lets talk.
She was Land Locked.
Today marks my first month calling Tampa, home.
One month. It is definitely a good sign that I’ve made it this long.
I figured that if I was going to fail, I would have done it by now.
But here I am, living and thriving!
And dear heaven do I love it here.
I love the over sized lizards that greet you every time you walk out the door. The snakes and bugs that disappear as fast as they appear.
Taking cold showers every single day without question.
Sweating if not all day, at least once everyday.
The feel of air conditioner hitting your face the moment you enter any building or home.
These are the things I love. The things I’ve dreamed of having since I was a child.
Today I read that God likes to outdo himself. His dream for your life is so much bigger than your own.
He is going to take you places that you never thought possible, open up doors that you never imagined to be unlocked.
He’s going to bring talent out of you that you didn’t even know you had.
This is when I get excited about my future!
My destiny is not determined by the economy, how I was raised, or my education.
My destiny is determined by Almighty God. Look at where he has brought me!
Be a Man.
I ask of one thing from the males I come in contact with.
Just be a freaking a man.
For Gods sake it isn’t that difficult.
The initiative if for you to take. TAKE IT.
Please do not expect me to chase you for your attention.
If you want a woman to be a part of your life, grow a pair and pursue her.
Women want to feel wanted, and it is not the woman’s job to take the initiative.
That is for the man to do.
Haven’t heard from her all day? Text her and tell her you miss the words that fall from her lips.
Be a man. Be a strong man.
Dear Man Across the Room.
Dear Man Across the Room,
It was a pleasure to make eye contact with you. I like the outfit you decided to wear today, and you have an incredible smile. But please don’t come over here.
You see, even though we both enjoy looking at each other, I sincerely don’t want to waste your time.
Thank you for asking for my number, it was great talking to you, I truly believe you’re interested in me.. but I don’t want to waste your time.
You see, sweet Man Across the Room, I’m a lost cause, and even though my father told me not to let my heart grow cold, I believe I already have.
Why don’t you believe me?
Okay, lets just say there is a spark between us, lets just say we date, lets just say you start to call me yours, and I call you mine.
You’ll come to learn that I’ll never let you say the word “forever” around me.
You’ll tell me you love me everyday, and I’ll never reply with the same.
You’ll never get to make love to me.
You’ll talk of marriage, and future, yet everytime I’ll laugh and change the subject.
I won’t let you get close, you’ll try, and you’ll fight, and I’ll sit in silence and you’ll walk away in disgust.
This is who I’ve become.
And the day you realize that, and the day you tell me, “We will overcome this cold silence”, is the day you will never lose me.
Because all I ask for is true effort.
True, unwavering, passionate, effort.
But we will never find out if you will give me that effort, because I will never give you the chance to prove yourself.
But thank you, Man Across the Room. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else.
When it isn’t right.
I will not let you become infatuated by me.
I will push you away as soon as you decide you want to be close.
I have come to realize that I am completely emotional unavailable. No matter how much I want to be in my head. Being available sounds like such a great idea, in theory.
No I am not ready to admit I care for you. I don’t even know how to care for someone anymore. Why do you make this so hard.
My heart is somewhere else. I don’t even truly know where that somewhere is, but it isn’t here. It isn’t with us.
This is wrong. This is so wrong.
A Quick Listen.
I’m sitting down today without much inspiration to write to. I find it difficult to be inspired when I don’t have something I feel necessary to complain about. I realize that now I am settling into a place I love, with all the happiness I could ask for, it will take a toll on my writing.
What do you write about when everything is astounding? It’s interesting how I dont like to brag about my life, yet I have no problem complaining. In writing, that is.
It has been 7 weeks since I’ve been in a relationship.
It has been 6 weeks since I kissed a man.
And it has been so long since I was seriouslyinterested in anyone romantically.
For some, this seems like nothing to make a big deal about. But mind you, this is the longest I’ve ever gone without an emotional tie to someone. I’ve learned through experience that jumping from one relationship to another is just not giving yourself time to heal.
Time to figure out what went wrong and how can you avoid it.
It’s important to have that alone time, and to focus on yourself and no one else.
I’ve come to learn this in my mistakes.
Was it real.
People would constantly tell me, ” Wow, I had no idea you guys were struggling. You’re an incredible actress.”
They said these things because all they saw were loveless pictures, such as this one.
What they didnt know was that the majority of this day I spent holding back tears.
I remember the silent drive home, and crying myself to sleep that night. I was so unhappy and depressed. And he wasnt bothered by it.
Thats all I remember when I look at these pictures.
Were we even happy, baby? Was it all for show?
Home is where the bullshit is.
For a substantial number of years, I have been living out of my car, or a suitcase, or on a couch, or in someones spare bedroom. For the majority of my adult life, I have chose to live in these conditions. I have never minded it, no matter how sad it sounds.
I’ve just always been running away.
Driving away.
Putting more distance between me and my emotional tie I had with a man.
Constantly on the running from a relationship I ended.
Why am I like this? Why do I love to run away? I can honestly say I don’t even understand my own reasoning.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 years old, and since then I haven’t managed to spent more than 11 months in one place. Even the last home I lived in, where I was suppose to let myself settle and make a life in, I had to force myself to hang things up and try and get comfortable, because I knew I wouldn’t be there long.
Home is where the heart is. Home is wherever I’m with you. This is a house, not a home.
Do you know how many times I’ve fed those lines? How many times I’ve NOT felt at home. It’s unbelievable that at 21 years old, I am still living out of a suitcase and boxes…
… and I’m not on tour.
Hopeless Romantic.
In my prime dating years, I’ve repetitively heard the term, “I’m a hopeless romantic.”
Particularly from men.
Okay, actually only from men.
Even just last night I had a man call me, and in his lonely frustration, cursed himself for being “a hopeless romantic”.
But what is it that you boys think a hopeless romantic is? Because the men that have been throwing that term around are truly the most selfish people Ive come to know.
So you want to find love? You want to find a soul mate? You want things to be easy?
Yet you push away the women that care for you and want to be there for you. You refuse to fight for that love, you want it to walk up to you and say “I’m here, I’ll take care of you, and I’ll stay right by your side even though you won’t treat me right.”
Basically from the men who have told me they were “hopeless romantics”, it pretty much means they are lonely and pity themselves because of it.
But that shouldn’t be the definition.
Hopeless Romantics should love, love. They should be passionate and romantic. They should put more effort into others than they do themselves. If you are lazy and self centered, then you probably had your heart broken, because someone you loved left you, you just can’t fathom why, and you pity yourself for it.
Hence, you using the term, “hopeless romantic”.
In my eyes, it just looks hopeless.
There is nothing romantic about a man being mad he’s alone.
The Daily Barefoot 