Category Archives: Emotional

I Don’t Miss You.

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I feel good all the time.
Constantly.
I think it’s because I’ve been doing a lot of drinking lately.
Day drinking, night drinking.
Am I coping for something? Am I trying to blur you out? I remember you; But only in short painful bursts – like as if you set your phasers from kill to stun.

This isn’t easy. I know I come off as this being easy for me, baby, this is so hard.
The amount of times I’ve brought you up today is absolutely pathetic.

Someday I’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you. Someday I’ll know why you didn’t fight for me.

But I hope that you find the right one.
I hope she loves you for the weird way you brush your teeth and for the way you love the smell of cinnamon brooms.
I hope she makes sure you take your medication, and cooks you breakfast on Saturday mornings.
I hope she likes Mexican food and watching shows on Netflix.
I hope she knows that your lips shake when your upset, and that you will always, no matter what, open the car door for her.
I sincerely hope.

I don’t miss you. I don’t miss anything.

The Common Anxiety Attack.

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Today I realized that I haven’t had any type of anxiety attack in 43 days.20130814-232738.jpg


 This is such amazing news.
This is such an improvement in my life.
Anxiety attacks have been a huge struggle for me, and the fact that Ive gone over a month without one is astounding.
God is good.

Detached.

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I’m really more of the suffer in silence type. I don’t bother people with my problems, and on an average day I keep to myself. I find brushing things off easy to do, and I rarely need a shoulder to cry on, however sometimes I do wish I was still in a relationship. Waiting for someone you’re not even sure will show up is draining. Waiting for the unknown is like a fist in your heart, and a constant questionable ache. My attempts at a relationship is not exactly “progress”. My immediate response to every man wiling to fight for my attention is push and run. The few who understand my cruel sarcasm is still gunned down with harsh ammunition. Men are willing to fight for what they want, but only for so long.

I have to tip my hat to them though. Men do not get the credit they deserve. Men can be very observant in certain aspects, and will study you in great detail when they want to get closer to you.
They will hum and discuss music they feel I would enjoy.
They will bring up topics of quotes about interests they are aware that I have.
Men are clever, but very sneaky.
I have found myself impressed with a few men right now.
However I am working on not getting emotionally invested in people, and it’s actually been a complete success. It doesn’t take much for me to stay emotionally detached, apparently.

Johanna de Silentio once said, “You have your whole lifetime; time takes times. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”

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Perfectly fine one minute.
In tears and wanting to hold you the next.
Complete 360 in a matter of moments.

Don’t ask me if I’m okay.

I am a Closet Christian.

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My walk with The Lord is like sleep, slowly, and then all at once.
I once explained my relationship with Christ as a rollercoaster, going from being on fire for The Lord, screaming his name from the rooftops, to almost hiding the fact that he is my father.
20130807-094954.jpgIt’s a terrible and terrifying game that I am not proud of. I struggle so much with this portion of my life, more than anything in the world.
I never question him, yet I constantly question myself. Everyone else seems more knowledgeable and more dedicated.
I need to be taught.
I want to learn.
I hunger for his word and to praise him.

The Lord said “I, the One whom all blessings flow, am also bless by our time together. This is a deep mystery, do not try to fathom it.”
So to break this down, The Lord himself is thankful for the time that we spend together, as little as it might be. He is well aware that this is difficult to grasp, but thats okay. Don’t try to analyze and over think it.
Just know that it is true.

Precious Lord, I surrender my questions and doubt, I surrender my past, I surrender my need to have all the answers and choose to trust that You have all the answers. I will wait on Your timing to reveal Your ways to me and choose to press forward into the destiny You have prepared for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.

That Georgia Back Road.

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I’ve been doing a lot of driving this week.

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It’s been a tradition of mine that the week of my birthday, I do a lot of solo traveling.

I’ve never consciously picked my birthday to do all this luscious traveling, it’s just worked out that way, and it’s usually right around 2,000 miles.

This year I traveled to four different states, made a lot of friends, and got to spend quality time with some of old ones. It was truly a wonderful birthday. A lot of thinking and reevaluating, which was much needed.

I was reading an old post I had written back in October (The peak of my excitement concerning moving to Asheveille), I had mentioned something that I found very interesting.
I wrote:

“Move away from Franklin. I had been preparing for seven years to get out of there, and not once did I ever picture it being with a man. It didn’t matter who I was dating, I always knew I would be moving, and I always pictured myself alone.”

I just wanted to put that there as a reminder, that I’ve always known that being alone was the more ideal way of life for me.

As I read on through my posts, it became more and more clear to me how much of an optimistic I am. My bestfriend and roommate told me something last night that was so ingenious that I’m stunned I never thought about it before.
After I had told her my long yet abridged story of my birthday week. She stopped me and asked, ” Now Annie, are you sure you really had a good time, or are you just trying to convince yourself you did? Because we both do this, we are such optimistic’s that we convince ourselves that we are happy and had this amazing time, even though I turned out lousy.”

Never heard truer words. I look back on my past relationships and it became even clearer.
Sometimes you have to take that bad as it is, and except that it was truly bad.
Life doesn’t need to be sugar coated anymore than it already is.

Twenty Two Years Not Dead.

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Today is my twenty second Birthday.

My twenty second year corrupting this galaxy with my loud obnoxious lingo, and outrageous acts of weirdom. In these twenty two years I have found myself associated with some of the most extraordinary situations, and interesting people.
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If you know me, and listen to my story, you know that my life has been one lucky toss of the dice after another.
Constant blessings.
For most if my life I’ve considered myself to be one of the most blessed and lucky girls ever to walk this crazy weird planet. And to put it bluntly, this past two months have been the most exciting and entertaining of them all.
Everything has fallen into place so perfectly for so long, that I’ve found myself bracing for impact from some type of future oncoming Borge ship of bad news.
Am I seriously waiting for something bad to happen? That makes no sense.

Last week, one of my friends was diagnosed with cancer. I’ve spent a good portion of time with him in the past two days, and it’s really inspired me concerning the type of person I am, compared to most of our human race.
This man is 25 years old, and was told that he could die in 1, 5, 10 years- they truly don’t know. That’s usually how cancer works.

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But isn’t that how life is anyway?
Aren’t we just as unsure when our time is up when we are healthy, as we are if we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness?
Why is it that it takes a person telling us that we will be dying at some point in our life, that be begin to actually feel like we should be living our life?
Does that make any sense? No.

I can’t stand how some people approach life. As if movies and videogames will fill the void enough to pass the time, rather than going out and meeting and living and not just simply existing.
Some people disgust me. But we’ll get into that later.

The Lonely Road.

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If you know me, you know that typically, love spills out of me like a joyful glass of wine, filled to the brim with blessings .

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I find myself embracing everyone I see.
Every sentence is a compliment or a celebration of life. Life has so much to be celebrated about.

Rivulets of laughter bubble out of my lips, I simply cant restrain my happy heart.
Strangers thank me for being so in love with life. For reminding them that this is a good day, and they deserve to walk away from me with a smile.

However, those days are not everyday.
It is rare since I’ve moved to Florida, but it is known to happen.
It begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.
A feeling of physical pain caused by loneliness. My hands grip my warn out stealing wheel, I can hear me consciously tell myself that it is okay to cry.
It’s always okay to cry.

I won’t tell anyone I’m lonely, I wont mention I’m sad. This is simply a phase that we go through.

I’ll keep driving and keep moving on. But these Florida roads aren’t as peaceful as they were back in North Carolina.

Be somebody instead of somebody’s.

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Three months ago I became a single woman.
After 11 months I had to do one of the hardest acts, and simply walk away from a man that I once loved.
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is accept the absence of happiness in a relationship. Which is what had happened to us.
We were simply existing near each other, the passion and effort had not only become nonexistent, but grudges began to take root. We became shadows in each others daily lives.
Our pride and egos caused us to deny any type of struggle. We slowly began to fade from each others hearts.

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But don’t worry baby, grudges are a waste of perfect happiness, and I won’t blame anyone for what happened in the past.
Life is moving forward, and I have so much living ahead of me. Why would I blame one person for what happened in the past?
He had never hurt me.
It just wasn’t right.
We weren’t right.
And that’s perfectly okay.

Sometimes in relationships we don’t want to be found as the one that gave up, so we slowly disappear.
Only when the relationship comes to an end do we reappear again, because no one came looking for us.
(In my head this makes sense)
The choices I made, I did that for me. When you think about it, life truly begins when you allow your curiosity for the extraordinary to run wild. Which is exactly what my life is leading towards.

I refuse to search for someone to fill the void that Bucky filled. We as humans are surprisingly strong, and are capable of learning so much, not only about the world around us, but about ourselves. We are complex creatures. At times we don’t even fully understand our own emotions or actions.
In my own opinion, I feel that when you are in a serious relationship, the ability to learn about yourself becomes stunted. It is difficult find out the type of person you are when you are spending your time seeking validation from your significant other.
It is so unhealthy when we don’t give ourselves time to be somebody, instead of somebody’s.