Tag Archives: life

Home is where the bullshit is.

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For a substantial number of years, I have been living out of my car, or a suitcase, or on a couch, or in someones spare bedroom. For the majority of my adult life, I have chose to live in these conditions. I have never minded it, no matter how sad it sounds.

I’ve just always been running away.tumblr_mnerwn17OQ1qk1jiqo1_500
Driving away.
Putting more distance between me and my emotional tie I had with a man.
Constantly on the running from a relationship I ended.
Why am I like this? Why do I love to run away? I can honestly say I don’t even understand my own reasoning.

I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 years old, and since then I haven’t managed to spent more than 11 months in one place. Even the last home I lived in, where I was suppose to let myself settle and make a life in, I had to force myself to hang things up and try and get comfortable, because I knew I wouldn’t be there long.

Home is where the heart is. Home is wherever I’m with you. This is a house, not a home.

Do you know how many times I’ve fed those lines? How many times I’ve NOT felt at home. It’s unbelievable that at 21 years old, I am still living out of a suitcase and boxes…

… and I’m not on tour.

The Naked and New.

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This morning I opened my eyes to a completely different world.
My life routine has been officially compromised and nothing will ever be the same again.
This faithful morning at 7:00am I awoke in Odessa, FL. About 20 minutes away from Tampa, my new home.
Last night I made the grueling 12 hour drive with all of my earthly possessions, toward the unknown and unsure.
I stepped 12 hours out of my comfort zone and into a world of possibilities.
My morning shower was slightly longer than usual, I washed and scrubbed and cleaning off every speck of what might have been left there from my past life. The life I was living in North Carolina. The unhappiness foamed up on my body in forms of soap bubbles, every pore was being washed clean of every unhappy night spent in a place that I never truly felt at home in.

Here I am. Facing this new world head on. I have zero worries, what could I possibly worry about with my Lord on my side. God has grabbed me tightly around the heart in a matter of a week (soon I will be able to tell that amazing story).
My new focus is on my new life that I have begun to build and form.
I am molding who I want to be for the remainder of my days.

This is it. Here I am.
Diving head first into the most beautiful pool of unknown.
What could possibly be more exciting?

Decisions.

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526596_10151435218712155_1400496900_nOne of the hardest parts of life, is deciding whether to try harder, or walk away, and in some instances, those decisions end up being the greatest choices you’ve made for yourself in a very long time.
After months of fighting with my heart, and pushing aside the inevitable, I am finally doing what I have been planning for myself for years. Moving far, far away from North Carolina. Permanently. With no one to convince me to do otherwise, this is my life. For the first time in too long, my life is being controlled by me, and not the opinions of others.
Things will get easier.

Falling out of Love.

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If you’ve ever been in love, you know how it is. A relationship in the first flush of love is so exciting. Your heart beats faster when you think of your dear one. You make up any excuse to be together, and all your free time revolves around them.Your circle of friends expands to include theirs, and with their encouragement you try some of the adventurous things you never dreamed could. And your friends and family are so happy for you.
Time passes and things change.
You begin to discover not only who you are, but who you are in relation to them. Some of it is good, some of it not as much.
And then they change a little, too. You begin to see who they are and learn what you can expect of them
And it’s still good. You can adapt, accept them for their flaws. You will not abandon.

And things change still more. Communication breaks down. You’re spending more and more time trying to fix things and make them work as smoothly as before.
It’s not easy. Because of the time you’re investing, you begin to feel more isolated from the ones you love.
The warm glow you used to feel has disappeared and been replaced by frustration and disappointment.

And you wonder, is it worth it… Is this worth it.

Miner breakdown. All is well.

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After reading my post yesterday, it’s pretty clear that I had an anxiety attack, not just splattered on my blog, but right there in my boyfriend’s car on my lunch break.
I just sat there shaking and crying. I couldn’t even explain why.
My attempt at words only came out in tears, painful tears that you feel in your throat. I don’t even know what was going on. By 7am I had already cried 3 separate times, and on my way to work, and while I was at work.
The only conclusion I could come up with was that I’ve just been extremely stressed out with work, lack of sleep, and home life, that I just had to have a break down.
I’m definitely still extremely tired, but not feeling like my world is coming to an end.

Trying to stay positive.

The calm after the storm.

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You always hear the saying The calm before the storm, where as you’re basically anticipating hell swallowing you up. But you never hear the saying The calm after the storm… Where the sky is bright and sunny again, but you have all this damage that needs to be fixed, yet you’ve seen how bad it can get, and you’re just happy to be breathing.
And that, my friends, is where I’m at today. Happy. Happy to be breathing, and to have a man that loves me (even though he is a ridiculously talented lazy bastard). Happy to have my friends, and spend time with them (even though I have to travel to see them, and it’s very rare).
This weekend I spent a lot of time talking to my old buddies, the ones I use to throw down with every weekend, and we were all on top of the world.. Now everyone is “married”, not literally married, but at points in their lives that they have settled down with someone, they work everyday, and they stay in on the weekends. It hit me that I am not the only lame ass “married” chick out there. Everyone’s lives has settled down, and everyone is okay with that. That’s how life works, it doesn’t get to be fast passed for your entire life!
Once I realized this, I think I felt much better, knowing that no, I am not a complete lame ass, we are all growing up.
Saturday night I dressed up, and went out drinking with my bestfriend, we had a great time.. At least I did! I laughed an danced and chatted up with all my old buddies, it was exactly what I needed. My heart is a little more at ease, and I think everything is going to be just dandy. -A