I just don’t get attached.
To anything.
People. Places. Things. Nothing.
I find that pretty disturbing.
What’s wrong with me?
Can I not love enough to be heartbroken?
Tag Archives: hate
Self Pity is Poisonous.
Certainly the most destructive vice that a person can have, more than pride (which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins), is self pity.
Self pity will ruin a person.
Will ruin a relationship.
Will ruin a friendship.
Will ruin your own metal stability.
Self-pity is the gift that keeps on robbing. The Black Plague of attitudes, a poisonous leech attached to one’s heart.
It is an acid which eats holes in not only your happiness, but everyone that associates with you.
Self-pity takes away the strength needed to escape the predicaments you’re in.
I’ve never been one for expressing self pity. Truthfully one of the biggest peeves I have is watching someone flounder in their own.
Complaining about where you are in life is the first toe-dip into the wide world of self-pity.
Make some damn changes.
Right now in my life I am struggling with something I don’t fully understand.
Yet when I do come to understand it a little better, I’ll be back to dig deeper into the cause and meaning of this struggle.
But for now, I’ll continue to open up to friends I don’t know, and men I’ve never met.
Be a Man.
I ask of one thing from the males I come in contact with.
Just be a freaking a man.
For Gods sake it isn’t that difficult.
The initiative if for you to take. TAKE IT.
Please do not expect me to chase you for your attention.
If you want a woman to be a part of your life, grow a pair and pursue her.
Women want to feel wanted, and it is not the woman’s job to take the initiative.
That is for the man to do.
Haven’t heard from her all day? Text her and tell her you miss the words that fall from her lips.
Be a man. Be a strong man.
Dear Man Across the Room.
Dear Man Across the Room,
It was a pleasure to make eye contact with you. I like the outfit you decided to wear today, and you have an incredible smile. But please don’t come over here.
You see, even though we both enjoy looking at each other, I sincerely don’t want to waste your time.
Thank you for asking for my number, it was great talking to you, I truly believe you’re interested in me.. but I don’t want to waste your time.
You see, sweet Man Across the Room, I’m a lost cause, and even though my father told me not to let my heart grow cold, I believe I already have.
Why don’t you believe me?
Okay, lets just say there is a spark between us, lets just say we date, lets just say you start to call me yours, and I call you mine.
You’ll come to learn that I’ll never let you say the word “forever” around me.
You’ll tell me you love me everyday, and I’ll never reply with the same.
You’ll never get to make love to me.
You’ll talk of marriage, and future, yet everytime I’ll laugh and change the subject.
I won’t let you get close, you’ll try, and you’ll fight, and I’ll sit in silence and you’ll walk away in disgust.
This is who I’ve become.
And the day you realize that, and the day you tell me, “We will overcome this cold silence”, is the day you will never lose me.
Because all I ask for is true effort.
True, unwavering, passionate, effort.
But we will never find out if you will give me that effort, because I will never give you the chance to prove yourself.
But thank you, Man Across the Room. I hope you find what you are looking for in someone else.
Was it real.
People would constantly tell me, ” Wow, I had no idea you guys were struggling. You’re an incredible actress.”
They said these things because all they saw were loveless pictures, such as this one.
What they didnt know was that the majority of this day I spent holding back tears.
I remember the silent drive home, and crying myself to sleep that night. I was so unhappy and depressed. And he wasnt bothered by it.
Thats all I remember when I look at these pictures.
Were we even happy, baby? Was it all for show?
Hopeless Romantic.
In my prime dating years, I’ve repetitively heard the term, “I’m a hopeless romantic.”
Particularly from men.
Okay, actually only from men.
Even just last night I had a man call me, and in his lonely frustration, cursed himself for being “a hopeless romantic”.
But what is it that you boys think a hopeless romantic is? Because the men that have been throwing that term around are truly the most selfish people Ive come to know.
So you want to find love? You want to find a soul mate? You want things to be easy?
Yet you push away the women that care for you and want to be there for you. You refuse to fight for that love, you want it to walk up to you and say “I’m here, I’ll take care of you, and I’ll stay right by your side even though you won’t treat me right.”
Basically from the men who have told me they were “hopeless romantics”, it pretty much means they are lonely and pity themselves because of it.
But that shouldn’t be the definition.
Hopeless Romantics should love, love. They should be passionate and romantic. They should put more effort into others than they do themselves. If you are lazy and self centered, then you probably had your heart broken, because someone you loved left you, you just can’t fathom why, and you pity yourself for it.
Hence, you using the term, “hopeless romantic”.
In my eyes, it just looks hopeless.
There is nothing romantic about a man being mad he’s alone.
Your name is always on the tip of my tongue
and if you
wrap me in a blanket and place me by a fire
In the flames I’ll see your smile
But if I blink, it’ll disappear
Because our time, while full, was fleeting
And now you are just dandelion seeds in the summer breeze
that will land in another yard
To make someone else’s wishes come true.
Disguised as Rain.
In the two weeks of my preparing to leave North Carolina, the heavens had opened up and wept with me.
Perpetual tears rolled down my cheeks, that were always hidden by the rain that covered Asheville.
Cruel rain.
Unstoppable rain.
Rain that fell without remorse.
Rain had become the symbol of our breakup.
Today in Tampa, while we ran our errands and bought our groceries, the sky’s turned black, and the winds blew palm trees with full force.
We all stated the obvious.
Rain was soon to come. As soon as we pull in the driveway, plump drops of rain descend. I rush to the mailbox, bags in hand.
When women normally run for shelter, we smiled and laughed.
“The smell!” my bestfriend yelled over the beautiful sound of rain surrounding us, “Can you smell that, Annie? The smell of the rain!”
I was caught up in the moment.
That is the smell before the rain? That’s the so called petrichor, the scent of rain on dry earth?
We stood out there for a moment, “That smell,” I blurted out, “We don’t have that smell in North Carolina. That smell don’t even exist there.”
“Really? That’s funny.” She laughed as she proceeded to unlock the front door, and the air conditioned room hit our faces.
I spend the majority of the time going from window to window, watching the most beautiful rain take place.
The rain was literally easy on the eyes. It was calm and collected. It didnt feel like a punishment or a reminder of my heartache, but the perfect opportunity to play beautiful music and have long talks with my close friends.
Things are slowly changing.
Everything life is throwing at me is beautiful, sincere and breathtaking.
What’s an Emotion.
My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?
Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?
They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.
What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.
Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.
Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.
How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.
My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.
Simple Words.
I work with one man at the doctors office, other than he doctors themselves.
Today as I was sitting alone in the X-ray room, sipping coffee and watching nerdy YouTube videos, he comes in, sits down, looks over and says, “you know, I’m probably going to cry when you leave.”
I laughed and slapped my knee.
“I’m serious though. You don’t come across girls like you very often Annie. Everyday you come in here, in a good mood, with all your health problems and relationship issues that you’ve been dealing with. You’re always the most positive one here.”
I just laughed.
“I’m serious Annie. I think about how the men at the fire department would kill to have a woman like you.”
I laughed again.
“Did he not cry, or fight for you? I mean did he really just let you go..?”
I sighed, and nodded my head.
I told him my sob story. I smiled as I explained how I lost almost everything in the storm on Saturday, because my ex boyfriend insisted I had everything out by then.
He stared at me, mouth wide, eyes sad.
“You deserve so much Annie. You deserve to have the world given to you. Not taken away.”
I’m so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. They get me through the toughest of times.
The Daily Barefoot 