It’s very difficult to go back and read my old posts.
Since I had started this blog, I have been sliding deeper into a wormhole of mood swings, depression, self loathing, and all around mental instability.
I have never been like this. Not for this long. Of course like every woman in the world, I’ll go through stages (usually lasting a week at a time) of unhappiness, but when in lasts more than a couple months.. changes need to be made.
I don’t sleep.
I don’t eat.
I don’t put my whole heart into anything anymore, because I know I will be mocked for doing so.
I have never felt so lonely. I just want to run. I want to run as far away as my money will take me.
I would be leaving nothing behind.
Category Archives: Emotional
When it’s over.
After a period of time you begin to forget the tiny things that you’ve come to learn about someone.
You forget how he always would put 5 creamers in his coffee, and he refused to sleep without at least holding your hand. You only remember the bad things, and the stupid arguments. The fact that you enjoyed the same music becomes irrelevant and just the sound of his name makes you nauseous.
I’ve been through this so many times over the past few years, I’ve never wanted to be finished and done with such emotional holds on people so badly in my life.
I don’t think I am cut out for it at this point in my life.
At this moment I am on my way to San Diego for the week. To clear my head and try and figure my life out. I have my bestfriend and her advice for 7 days. In those 7 days, I have no choice but to make a decision. This is the line.
Mistakes made.
I cant do this anymore, baby.
This thing we call a relationship is falling apart before our eyes, and you don’t even seem care.
You have to see it. You have to see my hurt.
Baby, think I’ve given up.
I think I’ve stopped trying to impress you everyday.
I think I just can’t take your judgement anymore, baby. I just can’t shut up an watch you be demeaning towards — not only my friends, but your own.
I think I’m just done putting in every inch of effort I can muster, with nothing in return.
I think Im done expecting the minimum from you and getting even less
With hoping you would understand when you never even try too
I can’t stand telling you that I love you, or looking back on when you use to care for me over yourself
I’ve given you everything you wished for.. how could I possibly give up now.
I’ve never felt like I have been throwing so much of my life away, before.
This in the end
The end of my rope
The last of the straws
The finish of the spilt milk
I’m done
But please prove me wrong, baby.
Someone get this girl a smile!
I kind of jinxed myself when I named my Blog “The DAILY Barefoot”. Obviously I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with the façade of updating everyday. Well to be perfectly honest I’ve been in absolutely no mood this past month. I felt like I was repeating myself over and over again.
I’m upset, I don’t know why.
I’m fine, I don’t know why I was so upset.
I’m upset again, things never get better.
I’m fine, thing will get better.
I was just getting annoyed with myself for repeating over and over. Everytime I started to write, it just tossed my phone aside in frustration.
Well after a good month of not updating, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need some serious. Major. Joke free. CHANGES.
I’m not kidding, a girl can only hate what her life is turning into so much.
I thought my life in college was at a holding point, well shit this is a million times worse than college.
I’m doing nothing with my life, and I don’t like the place I’m living.
I need to move. I need to get away from the mountains. I need to go to a place where it is always warm and there are many many people to distract me.
My bestfriend and I were stalking shit back and forth as we usually do. I mentioned that I’ve never worked out so much in my life, and he answered me with the most obvious answer that I had been ignoring for the longer time..
Well yeah… It’s because you’re so depressed all the time.
Bam. Punch to face. Someone other than me sees it. I’m not just crazy, something is seriously wrong.
So I’m going to start slowly making changes to my life until I am back to being content and happy with my life… Like I’ve ALWAYS been.
I’m ready to be happy again.
The Hater of Love.
You know, I started this entry with intentions of writing about my views on Valentines day, and how love should be shown everyday.
This would be the same speech I’ve carried on about since I was I was about 15.
But you know, every year I always hope for something unexpected.
I always hope that the man I was with would do a little something to show his appreciation. I always do so much in relationships, and never ask for anything in return.
I’ve had some pretty rough Valentines under my belt.
2012- Spent home alone. I ended up crying quite a bit if I remember correctly. I was “seeing” someone, but he lived hours away, and the most we exchanged was a Happy Valentines day over text.
2011- I was actually dating the same guy as mentioned in 2012, we went all antivalentinesand we did nothing but worked, he did take me to the gym, I find that pretty darn romantic.
2010- Spent at the guy mentioned in 2011 and 2012’s house, with all my best guy friends. I spend the night sobbing on the floor, while one by one the guys came in and comforted me. Total pity party.
2009- spend with the man I was with for almost 4 years (and who I was crying about in year 2010). He completely covered my room in roses and gifts.
2008- ditto to year 2009.
Before this is pretty much a blur. I’m sure I was dating men during valentines, but it wasn’t anything that mattered.
But to get to the point. This year was very different.
2013- This year I took my boyfriend out to eat.
After we made our way home, I laid in bed. He came upstairs for a short time, told me not to pout, and then left when I wouldn’t speak to him.
Words rarely come to me when my heart is heavy. I’m sorry I’m that way. I’ve always been that way. And baby, you know I’m that way.
It is 11:36 at night.
On valentines day.
And I am alone crying in my bed, while the man I love is unconcerned about the fact .
It’s gotten to the point to if he ever did find this blog, I hope he sees my struggle.
Yes, I am in the wrong for not using my words.
But you are in the wrong for not wanting me to use the words I try to muster. You can’t watch me cry, and then leave. This isn’t going to go away.
What is this relationship that we are in? Who does this. Who puts up with being so hurt for so long.
What do we have to gain from this relationship.
This is only going to end badly, because we have both already given up.
But please fight for me.
You promise you would fight for me.
MondayMorning.
You ever want to look at someone and say, “I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be around.”
But you don’t have the heart to say it.
Angels watching over me.
Yesterday I had taken this picture of my bank account. Showing $7 and change.
I had to find a way to make this last for nine days until my next paycheck, which was obviously impossible. My gas light came on while I was on my way to work today, and I honestly had no idea why I was going to do for the next nine days.
Today on my lunch break I had checked my bank account, and I had received my tax return that very morning! The Lord is so good, and anytime I need him, he is always there.
I’ve been going through some rough times lately, and God couldn’t have had better timing. Bless him.
Been better.
Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine and two margaritas. I’m still trying to convince myself Im fine. Something needs to change. Things are not well with me.
Miner breakdown. All is well.
After reading my post yesterday, it’s pretty clear that I had an anxiety attack, not just splattered on my blog, but right there in my boyfriend’s car on my lunch break.
I just sat there shaking and crying. I couldn’t even explain why.
My attempt at words only came out in tears, painful tears that you feel in your throat. I don’t even know what was going on. By 7am I had already cried 3 separate times, and on my way to work, and while I was at work.
The only conclusion I could come up with was that I’ve just been extremely stressed out with work, lack of sleep, and home life, that I just had to have a break down.
I’m definitely still extremely tired, but not feeling like my world is coming to an end.
Trying to stay positive.
The American dream.
I hate the thought of the American dream. The typical life goal that everyone sets for themselves. I’m sick of thinking that my goals should be as cliché as everyone else’s.
I don’t want it. I don’t want to get married, and I don’t want to have kids, I don’t want to have a office 8-5 job and I don’t want to be conservative. I hate that, that’s not me. This person I’m becoming is not me. This is what people expect of me and I am not down with the idea. I don’t want to grow up at twenty one and work my life away, barely scraping by. I’m so exhausted, I’m mentally and physically drained of my life. -A
The Daily Barefoot 