Category Archives: Asheville

What’s an Emotion.

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My hands settle on the keyboard. What words can I conjure to explain my emotions. What could I possibly write down right now that will help me understand months/years down the road, how I feeling at this exact moment in my life… What words fit?

Anxiety? Fear? Hurt? Depressed? Anger? Resentment?

They come close, but they aren’t the right words. How can I explain how my insides are on fire, constant knots and nausea. My heart is constantly pounding at full speed at all times. Tears roll down from my eyes at the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places.

What is wrong?
Why am I crying?
Why do I scream lyrics at the top of my lungs only to fight more tears painfully making their way up my throat and rolling down my cheeks.
How can I be so happy to be moving towards the life I have been dreaming of, while at the same time feeling so empty.

Anxiety has hit again. My anxieties have anxieties.
What if something goes wrong.
What if I lose more.
What if I never see the money that I had loaned my ex boyfriend.
What if my car breaks down.
What if I hate living in Florida. Then what. Where do I go. Back to Franklin, back to Asheville, back to the life I have resented and hated for the past 20 years of my life.

Why am I so afraid.
Why is this so hard.
Why did I have to give him everything. … Absolutely everything.
Everything I could give.
All of my love, all of my heart, all of my effort and time and money and bliss.

How could he watch me walk away without even a goodbye.
I’m so broken.
I’ve become so cold.
I dread the next man who braves that slow painful stroll to my heart. The things that man will have to endure to simply be close to me, will I be that closed off from now on?
Is my heart officially frozen in time, waiting for the perfect one. I thought I had found that perfect one. Can I go through the search again.

My heart is on fire.
And not even slightly in a good way. Rage. Anger. Frustration.
Get me out of this state.
Get me so far away I cant even turn back if I begged to.

The Runaway.

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It’s very difficult to go back and read my old posts.
Since I had started this blog, I have been sliding deeper into a wormhole of mood swings, depression, self loathing, and all around mental instability.
I have never been like this. Not for this long. Of course like every woman in the world, I’ll go through stages (usually lasting a week at a time) of unhappiness, but when in lasts more than a couple months.. changes need to be made.
I don’t sleep.
I don’t eat.
I don’t put my whole heart into anything anymore, because I know I will be mocked for doing so.
I have never felt so lonely. I just want to run. I want to run as far away as my money will take me.
I would be leaving nothing behind.

Gym observation.

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Tattooed gym ladies have a bond, an unspoken bond. Now I’m not going to go all out and say all tattooed gym ladies, but for the few that I have run into at the gym, do. We will ignore all others, not even glance up at someone for a second, we are focused and we have priorities. But as soon as we notice another girl with the obvious mutual love for body art, we make eye contact, and we instantly acknowledge each other. It is completely subconsciously, I didnt even realize I’ve been doing this until today. I love it. We need to stick together. -A

Go home winter, you’re drunk.

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Thanks to the fact that I’ve been documenting every moment of my life since I was a tween, I’ve made some pretty obvious observations. Like the fact that every winter I get dreadfully hateful and borderline depressed.. and then every summer I feel like I’m the freakin king of the world and could take on a damn army single handedly.
Luckily this year I’ve have a couple of different variables in my life compared to the 20 other years. But I’ve definitely been feeling the stab of my traditional winter gloom. I’m really trying to keep a positive mindset until summer rolls around, because I’m sure my poor boyfriend is about ready to lock me in a closet.
On a different subject, I’m really considering picking up a second job. you know, cause my first job isn’t already dreadfully stressful, i dont have to deal with ridiculous people all day, it doesn’t take up all of my time, energy, and my sane mindset (sarcasm).
I just really, really miss waiting tables. I miss dealing with costumers, NOT patients… Okay really I just miss working 5 hours and making 100$.
Christmas has completely sucked me dry, and I really don’t want to start having money problems… Okay I really just want to be able to go out and not worry about how much I’m spending.
Ahhh the motivations of a 21 year old.

December Thirtyfirst.

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The very last day of 2012. It’s at this point you may come to realize that the thing you’ve been wanting to do all year, will not be done. You’ve officially set this year in stone as of today.

Why dont you just dwell on this year. How did you do? How bad did you fuck up? Or how much did you achieve?

Personally. I think I did pretty damn good with only one year to make things happen. In a matter of one year, I was caught up in a very unhealthy romance. I had broken a heart. I had gone through depression. I had every one of my closest friend move away from me. I had met a stranger out of the blue, who I later started dating. I had graduated college. I had quit an amazing job after 3+ years. I had moved to Asheville, NC to live with a man I had only met 5 months earlier. I had moved away from my family for the first time in my life, becoming the first person in my family to move away from Franklin in 20 years . I had gotten a very ‘professional’ job at a doctors office. I had gotten a promotion. I had fallen in love. I had kept in contact with my closest friends. I had met a lot of people and learned many things, it’s unbelievable that so many changes could happen in a matter of 12 months.
But what now? What is this upcoming year going to bring me?
Every year I read about people’s New Year Resolutions. And usually it’s all talk.
It’s weird how everyone in the country feels like tomorrow is the official day to make positive changes in their life. I’ll never understand why the start of a year is a better time to make changes than anyother day in entire the world.
Oh your fat and unhappy? You’re totally right, why don’t you wait until January 1st to try and make things better and go to the gym. Because that’s the only day all year that you can try and better yourself….. No idiot. You should have made some life changes a long ass time ago.
January 1st should not be spent telling yourself that things are going to get better, it should be spent with you congratulating yourself on being successful and happy and making great choices in the past year.
I may never fully understand the human race and the traditions that we find necessary. Even when I was a young girl I thought New Years Resolutions were a load of crock.
In conclusion. Think about it. Why are you waiting until January 1st to better yourself? You had to have know this needed to happen a long time ago.
People are lazy. I struggle to act like I don’t care about how lazy people are.
Stop dreaming up ideas on how you could be smarter or nicer or more attractive. Just take care of yourself and put other people’s feelings before your own. It really can’t get much simpler than that. I promise.