Author Archives: Martini

She’s not dead yet.

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Life has come to a standstill for the last 7 days. I’ve spent 95% of this week glued to my couch infront of the TV. I’ve managed to watch 5 seasons and 8 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve eaten about 3 gallons of egg drop soup, 1 jar of apple sauce, and 10 cans of tomato soup. My entire world of constant work, gym, work , gym, work, gym…. has come to a stand still. My body aches, and I feel absolutely worthless… not just physically worthless, mentally worthless. I look around me, and it’s driving me insane. I cant fix anything. I cant get comfortable. I’m going insane. All the little things are eating me up. I need to get away.

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Everything use to be so picture perfect, I use to have unlimited time for myself. If I wanted to tan, or get my nails done, or spend 400$ on a brand new phone because I was tired of my old one… shit, I could do it. I never had money problems and the only stress I had was college. I was living on my own, by myself, for a year. I went to be every night at 11, I kept my house spotless, I watched horror movies every night, and I would write in my journal as often as I could.

Now adays I spend more of my time talking about what had been instead of what is. I have nothing impressing to talk about. Nothing interesting or funny, or exciting had happened to me in pretty long time. I miss it.

The Plateau.

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My best friends and I were texting today……

Now a little back ground on where by best friend is at in her life.. my best friend is one of the many military wives of San Diego. She moved to San Diego the same time I moved to Asheville, roughly 6 months ago. We had both moved to be with the one we loved (Although I cant really compare to what she has gone through, because she moved across country to be with her husband, and I moved an hour to be with by boyfriend of 4 months). IMG_1144Her husband has been deployed for roughly 4 months now, and he will still be deployed for 4 more months. She has moved for the first time in her adult life to the farthest point away without crossing an ocean, she moved without friends or family, and her husband shipped off in a matter of a few weeks after practically dropping her of in California. My best friend is one of the strongest women I’ve ever come to know.

Today we were discussing how we are both going through a point in our lives that is very plateau. We are both struggling pretty bad with keeping smiles on our faces, we’re both having a hard time pushing ourselves to get up every morning and convince ourselves its for a good reason.To think that our doors are exactly 2,331 miles (34 hours) apart from eachother, I feel like we are still sitting across the table from eachother, with our heavy hearts, in our favorite little restaurant in our old little town, ranting about our everyday lives and fixing eachothers problems with simple and honest advice.

We are both hoping that this little rough patch wears off. I just wish I was with her, so we could both rant about out problems, and then fix them with simple and honest advice…

Thirsty (H2o) Thursdays.

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I stopped recording my progress in the gym, simply because one of my biggest pet peeves in the universe, is women making sure everyone knows everytime they even think about stepping foot in a gym. Going to the gym is not meant to be something you brag about, you just do it. Same with eating healthy, just eat your healthy food, and stop taking pictures of it. The only people impressed are the people who do the exact same thing. True gym rats and fitness junkies put their energy into themselves, not showing off to others. If you wish to blast twitter/Facebook/IG up with pictures of the vegetables you ate for dinner, or a picture of your feet on a treadmill.. Make a damn fitness account or something and put your “look at me” shit on there. end rant.
For my own benefit, I need to start keeping track of my routine, or I can injure my little white girl body with all my PWNage. I started training for my Dance Fitness (also known as Zumba) certification in February. And a 5k in March.
My Thursday routine consists of:
(6:20-6:50)
Stretching + freestanding weights
(6:50-7:50)
Cenergy (which is an active yoga)
(7:50-8:50)
Zumba (dance fitness)
(8:50-9:30)
Freestanding weights + kickboxing
——————————————–
I rotate my routine by pretty much exercising what is LEAST sore that day. I don’t have arm days, cardio days, and leg days, I have “everything but the sore body part and sometimes still that body part” days.. Which is 4-5x a week.
I never take pictures in the gym, cause I don’t believe in having your phone with you while your working out, it causes too much of a distraction, at least it does for me. The gym is probably the only place my phone isn’t glued to my hand. But I’m going to TRY and start recording progress, along with meal plans. It doesn’t really sound like my cup of tea, but we’ll see if I can keep it up.

Go home winter, you’re drunk.

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Thanks to the fact that I’ve been documenting every moment of my life since I was a tween, I’ve made some pretty obvious observations. Like the fact that every winter I get dreadfully hateful and borderline depressed.. and then every summer I feel like I’m the freakin king of the world and could take on a damn army single handedly.
Luckily this year I’ve have a couple of different variables in my life compared to the 20 other years. But I’ve definitely been feeling the stab of my traditional winter gloom. I’m really trying to keep a positive mindset until summer rolls around, because I’m sure my poor boyfriend is about ready to lock me in a closet.
On a different subject, I’m really considering picking up a second job. you know, cause my first job isn’t already dreadfully stressful, i dont have to deal with ridiculous people all day, it doesn’t take up all of my time, energy, and my sane mindset (sarcasm).
I just really, really miss waiting tables. I miss dealing with costumers, NOT patients… Okay really I just miss working 5 hours and making 100$.
Christmas has completely sucked me dry, and I really don’t want to start having money problems… Okay I really just want to be able to go out and not worry about how much I’m spending.
Ahhh the motivations of a 21 year old.

New Years… abridged.

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I can honestly say that this New Years was completely different to how I normally spend my New Years.. Yelling and screaming with a drink in my hand and a couple dozen of my closest intoxicated friends. This year I actually watched the ball drop, I had only my boyfriend and our two good friends with me. I cooked hot wings, Guacamole, and salsa instead of bringing whiskey and noise makers. Ha! If 20 year old me could see me now, I would have rolled my eyes at me and call me an old vagina. I would have been right. hahaha

A step by step of my New Year Eve.
DSC_9104Beverages prepared.

DSC_9108Pico de Gallo + Guacamole made.

DSC_9113Hookah smoked.

DSC_9103Countdown made (Taylor and Mickey Lottes)

DSC_9131StarWars watched.

DSC_9136Battle Royal!

December Thirtyfirst.

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The very last day of 2012. It’s at this point you may come to realize that the thing you’ve been wanting to do all year, will not be done. You’ve officially set this year in stone as of today.

Why dont you just dwell on this year. How did you do? How bad did you fuck up? Or how much did you achieve?

Personally. I think I did pretty damn good with only one year to make things happen. In a matter of one year, I was caught up in a very unhealthy romance. I had broken a heart. I had gone through depression. I had every one of my closest friend move away from me. I had met a stranger out of the blue, who I later started dating. I had graduated college. I had quit an amazing job after 3+ years. I had moved to Asheville, NC to live with a man I had only met 5 months earlier. I had moved away from my family for the first time in my life, becoming the first person in my family to move away from Franklin in 20 years . I had gotten a very ‘professional’ job at a doctors office. I had gotten a promotion. I had fallen in love. I had kept in contact with my closest friends. I had met a lot of people and learned many things, it’s unbelievable that so many changes could happen in a matter of 12 months.
But what now? What is this upcoming year going to bring me?
Every year I read about people’s New Year Resolutions. And usually it’s all talk.
It’s weird how everyone in the country feels like tomorrow is the official day to make positive changes in their life. I’ll never understand why the start of a year is a better time to make changes than anyother day in entire the world.
Oh your fat and unhappy? You’re totally right, why don’t you wait until January 1st to try and make things better and go to the gym. Because that’s the only day all year that you can try and better yourself….. No idiot. You should have made some life changes a long ass time ago.
January 1st should not be spent telling yourself that things are going to get better, it should be spent with you congratulating yourself on being successful and happy and making great choices in the past year.
I may never fully understand the human race and the traditions that we find necessary. Even when I was a young girl I thought New Years Resolutions were a load of crock.
In conclusion. Think about it. Why are you waiting until January 1st to better yourself? You had to have know this needed to happen a long time ago.
People are lazy. I struggle to act like I don’t care about how lazy people are.
Stop dreaming up ideas on how you could be smarter or nicer or more attractive. Just take care of yourself and put other people’s feelings before your own. It really can’t get much simpler than that. I promise.

Numb.

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I’m in no mood to talk. I’m in no mood to think. I’m in to mood to argue or laugh or give a single fuck right now. I’m in no mood to even write this. I unexpectedly had a very eye past couple of days. Without even trying, I have learned a lot about myself this week. It might have been because of the stress of Christmas, and it finally ending. I’m honestly in no mood to even analyze my emotions at this point. 

 

Are you happy with your life?

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Browsing through blogs, I came across the question..

“Are you happy with your life?”

It’s out of habit I’ve found myself answering,

“Oh yes absolutely! I’ve never been better in my entire life.”

Yet I still find myself looking back in the past, and missing it more than i am glad it’s over.
I miss how things use to be, and the fun I use to have. I miss my friends and being able to go out with them every weekend and laugh and enjoy life together.
These days I don’t see much of that anymore… Actually I don’t see any of that at all ever anymore.
I’ve found myself being very lonely. Even more lonely than that year I spent single and living by myself. I’ve found myself in Asheville with zero friends that I can spend time, and talk with. That’s all I want, just some good people, and to enjoy the cool things in my town. I’ve done almost nothing fun and interesting, in one if the most interesting towns.
I’m so frustrated, and becoming very.. Negative.. I guess you could say. There is nothing I look forward to anymore, except for the slight chance to hangout with some friends in Franklin over the weekend.
I’m hoping that once the Christmas season is over, things will get a little less stressful, and life with hopefully brighten up for me a bit. That’s really all I need right now.
Because for me being such an optimistic person, it’s extremely hard on my heart to be so pessimistic.

Santa is a rich bastard.

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I think every year I expect the Christmas season to run smoothly, no stress, no money problems, no worrying about if enough gifts were bought for whoever I feel deserved the most for loving me. But damn cookies and milk, every year I’m wrong. This year especially. I’m finding myself so stupidly stressed out by the holidays this year, that I’m wondering when life went from “wooo bring on the gifts bitches!” to “Holy titties I have no idea what my crazy family wants.” The shortage of money and the urge to buy my friends/family/boyfriend everything I can possibly get my hands on, is not helping either. I’m honestly just ready for it to be over. Only one more week to go and then I can hopefully breath a little slower and wipe away my stress tears. Maybe even get this house clean!

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