Grow a Pair.

No. I don’t deal with awkward well.
I don’t deal well with boys who are so incredibly unsure, and constantly second guessing themselves.
If your not confident in yourself when it comes down to pursuing me, then consider yourself awkwardly pinning on the Friend Zone Badge.

I can’t stand when I actually decide to give a man a window of opportunity to pursue something between us, and he spends that window of opportunity doubting his every move.
I mean I can watch it happening! I can literally watch these men second guess themselves with every brush of contact they make with me.

No patience.
Need a man.

Waiting is Toxic.

Do you realize that you spend most of your life waiting. What could we possibly be waiting so long for.
Waiting for things to get better, get easier, get warmer, get colder?
Waiting for happiness, for love, for a sign, for a push?
I had an epiphany when I was 21 years old. I realized that I had spent the winter writing about how things would get better, yet excepting the fact that the way things were, was the way things would always be.
After far too long, I decided to finally put myself first. I decided to start living life to the very fullest I could possibly live it.
In two weeks time I had quit my job, packed up everything I owned, and moved 800 miles away in a little black Ford Focus.
I have a history of apologizing for not only my emotions and my every action – yet I cant seem to bring myself to apologize for taking off. I left every family, friend, and lover, to start new in a place I barely knew – But I had to get away.

20130819-121046.jpg Everyone needs to understand that not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly.
Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to us because their way of living forces us to compromise who we are, what we love, and our all around happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.

Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a happier life for yourself.

Those people may resent you, but one day they will understand. It takes nothing but time.

I Don’t Miss You.

I feel good all the time.
Constantly.
I think it’s because I’ve been doing a lot of drinking lately.
Day drinking, night drinking.
Am I coping for something? Am I trying to blur you out? I remember you; But only in short painful bursts – like as if you set your phasers from kill to stun.

This isn’t easy. I know I come off as this being easy for me, baby, this is so hard.
The amount of times I’ve brought you up today is absolutely pathetic.

Someday I’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you. Someday I’ll know why you didn’t fight for me.

But I hope that you find the right one.
I hope she loves you for the weird way you brush your teeth and for the way you love the smell of cinnamon brooms.
I hope she makes sure you take your medication, and cooks you breakfast on Saturday mornings.
I hope she likes Mexican food and watching shows on Netflix.
I hope she knows that your lips shake when your upset, and that you will always, no matter what, open the car door for her.
I sincerely hope.

I don’t miss you. I don’t miss anything.

Detached.

I’m really more of the suffer in silence type. I don’t bother people with my problems, and on an average day I keep to myself. I find brushing things off easy to do, and I rarely need a shoulder to cry on, however sometimes I do wish I was still in a relationship. Waiting for someone you’re not even sure will show up is draining. Waiting for the unknown is like a fist in your heart, and a constant questionable ache. My attempts at a relationship is not exactly “progress”. My immediate response to every man wiling to fight for my attention is push and run. The few who understand my cruel sarcasm is still gunned down with harsh ammunition. Men are willing to fight for what they want, but only for so long.

I have to tip my hat to them though. Men do not get the credit they deserve. Men can be very observant in certain aspects, and will study you in great detail when they want to get closer to you.
They will hum and discuss music they feel I would enjoy.
They will bring up topics of quotes about interests they are aware that I have.
Men are clever, but very sneaky.
I have found myself impressed with a few men right now.
However I am working on not getting emotionally invested in people, and it’s actually been a complete success. It doesn’t take much for me to stay emotionally detached, apparently.

Johanna de Silentio once said, “You have your whole lifetime; time takes times. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”

Perfectly fine one minute.
In tears and wanting to hold you the next.
Complete 360 in a matter of moments.

Don’t ask me if I’m okay.

I am a Closet Christian.

My walk with The Lord is like sleep, slowly, and then all at once.
I once explained my relationship with Christ as a rollercoaster, going from being on fire for The Lord, screaming his name from the rooftops, to almost hiding the fact that he is my father.
20130807-094954.jpgIt’s a terrible and terrifying game that I am not proud of. I struggle so much with this portion of my life, more than anything in the world.
I never question him, yet I constantly question myself. Everyone else seems more knowledgeable and more dedicated.
I need to be taught.
I want to learn.
I hunger for his word and to praise him.

The Lord said “I, the One whom all blessings flow, am also bless by our time together. This is a deep mystery, do not try to fathom it.”
So to break this down, The Lord himself is thankful for the time that we spend together, as little as it might be. He is well aware that this is difficult to grasp, but thats okay. Don’t try to analyze and over think it.
Just know that it is true.

Precious Lord, I surrender my questions and doubt, I surrender my past, I surrender my need to have all the answers and choose to trust that You have all the answers. I will wait on Your timing to reveal Your ways to me and choose to press forward into the destiny You have prepared for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.