Tag Archives: hate

Falling out of Love.

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If you’ve ever been in love, you know how it is. A relationship in the first flush of love is so exciting. Your heart beats faster when you think of your dear one. You make up any excuse to be together, and all your free time revolves around them.Your circle of friends expands to include theirs, and with their encouragement you try some of the adventurous things you never dreamed could. And your friends and family are so happy for you.
Time passes and things change.
You begin to discover not only who you are, but who you are in relation to them. Some of it is good, some of it not as much.
And then they change a little, too. You begin to see who they are and learn what you can expect of them
And it’s still good. You can adapt, accept them for their flaws. You will not abandon.

And things change still more. Communication breaks down. You’re spending more and more time trying to fix things and make them work as smoothly as before.
It’s not easy. Because of the time you’re investing, you begin to feel more isolated from the ones you love.
The warm glow you used to feel has disappeared and been replaced by frustration and disappointment.

And you wonder, is it worth it… Is this worth it.

When it’s over.

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d5166c95ab04460296c8afd9bd957ef5_7After a period of time you begin to forget the tiny things that you’ve come to learn about someone.
You forget how he always would put 5 creamers in his coffee, and he refused to sleep without at least holding your hand. You only remember the bad things, and the stupid arguments. The fact that you enjoyed the same music becomes irrelevant and just the sound of his name makes you nauseous.
I’ve been through this so many times over the past few years, I’ve never wanted to be finished and done with such emotional holds on people so badly in my life.
I don’t think I am cut out for it at this point in my life.
At this moment I am on my way to San Diego for the week. To clear my head and try and figure my life out. I have my bestfriend and her advice for 7 days. In those 7 days, I have no choice but to make a decision. This is the line.

Mistakes made.

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DSC_9187I cant do this anymore, baby.
This thing we call a relationship is falling apart before our eyes, and you don’t even seem care.
You have to see it. You have to see my hurt.

Baby, think I’ve given up.
I think I’ve stopped trying to impress you everyday.
I think I just can’t take your judgement anymore, baby. I just can’t shut up an watch you be demeaning towards — not only my friends, but your own.
I think I’m just done putting in every inch of effort I can muster, with nothing in return.
I think Im done expecting the minimum from you and getting even less
With hoping you would understand when you never even try too

I can’t stand telling you that I love you, or looking back on when you use to care for me over yourself
I’ve given you everything you wished for.. how could I possibly give up now.
I’ve never felt like I have been throwing so much of my life away, before.
This in the end
The end of my rope
The last of the straws
The finish of the spilt milk
I’m done

But please prove me wrong, baby.

The Hater of Love.

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You know, I started this entry with intentions of writing about my views on Valentines day, and how love should be shown everyday.
This would be the same speech I’ve carried on about since I was I was about 15.
But you know, every year I always hope for something unexpected.
I always hope that the man I was with would do a little something to show his appreciation. I always do so much in relationships, and never ask for anything in return.
I’ve had some pretty rough Valentines under my belt.
2012- Spent home alone. I ended up crying quite a bit if I remember correctly. I was “seeing” someone, but he lived hours away, and the most we exchanged was a Happy Valentines day over text.
2011- I was actually dating the same guy as mentioned in 2012, we went all antivalentinesand we did nothing but worked, he did take me to the gym, I find that pretty darn romantic.
2010- Spent at the guy mentioned in 2011 and 2012’s house, with all my best guy friends. I spend the night sobbing on the floor, while one by one the guys came in and comforted me. Total pity party.
2009- spend with the man I was with for almost 4 years (and who I was crying about in year 2010). He completely covered my room in roses and gifts.
2008- ditto to year 2009.
Before this is pretty much a blur. I’m sure I was dating men during valentines, but it wasn’t anything that mattered.
But to get to the point. This year was very different.
2013- This year I took my boyfriend out to eat.
After we made our way home, I laid in bed. He came upstairs for a short time, told me not to pout, and then left when I wouldn’t speak to him.
Words rarely come to me when my heart is heavy. I’m sorry I’m that way. I’ve always been that way. And baby, you know I’m that way.
It is 11:36 at night.
On valentines day.
And I am alone crying in my bed, while the man I love is unconcerned about the fact .
It’s gotten to the point to if he ever did find this blog, I hope he sees my struggle.
Yes, I am in the wrong for not using my words.
But you are in the wrong for not wanting me to use the words I try to muster. You can’t watch me cry, and then leave. This isn’t going to go away.
What is this relationship that we are in? Who does this. Who puts up with being so hurt for so long.
What do we have to gain from this relationship.
This is only going to end badly, because we have both already given up.

But please fight for me.
You promise you would fight for me.